The reason for the season is pride and ego... RIGHT?!?!?

So I have been beating myself up alot recently, I have just been in a funk and I can't seem to grasp the Christmas spirit. I can't stop thinking gosh why can't I just lower my pride adn ego and accept it. It's frustrating to know that my pride is this huge. We just talked about this in institute the other day and yet I am still hung up on it. The closer it gets to Christmas the more I can't push it away. I almost cried in the movies last night. During the opening credits. It wasn't even anything major going on, it was just the opening thing. I just can't stop thinking about my pride and it kills me inside to know that I am this ignorant. Argh... Merry Christmas Everyone!

My solution....

So I was so proud of myself. I was at work yesterday and I was tormented by the ideas in my previous post. I know that church really means alot to me, and I want someone that can be spiritual with me. I want someone that will lead me spiritually also, as to when (if ever) I start to fall away he will bring me back. So as I was sitting there thinking, I came up with an amazing solution...

I won't say a thing about him leaving the singles ward, since I go there every sunday I will keep going I will just start going to the first ward. I know you're not really supposed to do that, but I figure hey, God will forgive me. Atleast I am still going. I would probably just transfer my records to Crowfield if Robert left and I didn't go to First Ward. Anyways, the end of the solution. So Robert goes to first ward, and me too, but my deal is, he has to go to Sacrament every Sunday that I am there. He likes to sleep in and not go to sacrament, but I am making it mandatory, I will not say a thing if he just is on time to sacrament. I think this is a fair and workable compromise.

Anyways, I am having trouble with work. I really want to find a 9-5 where I can just work Monday through Friday and not have to worry about what days I am going to have off. When I was hanging with the missionaries I was all about having some weekdays off so I could chill with them. But now that I have distanced myself, I know that I really just want the weekends off. Especially if I am going to stop going to the SW that way I can still have the weekends to socialize with everyone. I can't wait!! I am actually going to start looking today. :D Well I hope that everyone is having a wonderful Sunday and I can't wait to update you again!!

S

It's a deep kinda night...

So I am kinda stumped, Robert sprung it on me that he is going to stop going to the singles ward in about two months. I hope that I would have enough influence with him that he would keep going out of respect for me. It is just odd that he wouldn't be involved in something that is a big part of me. I know that it is his decision ultimately, but I would still hope that I could keep him going with me. If he transfers his records back to the West Ashley ward, I wouldn't be able to transfer my records where he is. So I would either have to stay in the SW or transfer my records back to Crowfield and just go to West Ashley. I know that he has a valid argument, we spend alot of time together, and what is just 3 hours. But I think that my argument is relevant also. I want him to be there for my spiritual needs as well as my emotional. I need him to be there. I know that I can just talk to him about it, but he is so hard headed that I don't think that my opinion will have a big enough effect.

There are still parts of me that think that he is shielding himself, not letting himself open up completely and I know that is holding him back from giving himself completely to me. I don't know if he has a fear of me not loving him, or me loving him too much and he doesn't feel worthy of love. This is also the reason that I don't like psycho-analyzing my friends and my love. I know that I can say it but I don't know if he believes me when I say it. I do love him, there is something about him that just captivates me. I can't see my life without him right now. I am still just tripping about him not doing church with me, I even told him that I would cut my hours with him to keep him in church with me. It's not that I think he is going to fall away from there church if I am not there to keep him involved, I just think he is going to make himself more of a recluse again. I don't want him to pull away socially. I think it is a good thing that he is out there. I know that he knows that people are still going to be around because of me, but I know that he is going to feel like he doesn't fit in.

I hope that age isn't his driving factor for leaving the ward. I know that 30 isn't that old, I know that he is going to be 31 in 2 months, but I want him to know that he isn't 30. He is an amazing soul and that he is an amazing person. He is so cool and people love him for that. Although, the people that are in the ward right now (some of them, not all) are not nearly as mature as their years count. It is sad that the people that are in there mid to late 20's are acting like they are 16. It is pathetic and ridiculous. I just have an old soul and I want the classic life, I want to be happy, I want to be comfortable, I want to be just as in love with my husband at 20 years as I was at 2 months, I want to be able to be honest, and ugly, and sick, and funny.... everything that is me around people and not get judged for it. I think that some people just hang out with me because they like to make their judgements internally. They like to be witness to the next saga of the Stephanie show... This is the Stephanie show logging off for tonight.

S

Perfecto Mundo...

So tonight was a perfect night, cold, damp, dank, dreary, clammy... all of those make the perfect night. I know that you may be asking yourself what I could possibly be thinking, but it's 2 in the morning and I have trouble making cognitive thought after a good nights rest much less when I am a little sleep deprived. But I consider it a perfect night cause after I left Robert's the air was so thick and low that the lights almost reflected off of everything making it wonderful and bright. It was an extremely bright night. I loved it.

I rediscovered my Alicia Keys cd. It really is amazing how much emotion goes into a simple thing such as music. I can say that when I put it in and i heard the first few chords of the first song, the prelude to the entire disc, I really was taken back to a time probably 5 years ago. I could feel the comfort of that main street house and everything that was going on in the world. This was before I felt broken, this was before i joined the church, this was before I was tainted with the truth of the world...

I am a firm believe in the ignorance behind the statement, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is not always bliss. Being shielded and jaded to the real world, makes you naive to every thing around you. It really does stunt your emotional and psychological growth. I am not gonna get into details but I grew up more in 5 years than in the 17 before it. The joy I feel now is true joy, I have gotten past that part of my life and I am moving on to bigger and better things. Life really is going pretty ok right now, I am with my family who is amazing in every aspect of the word. I know that they still have some time here, but I know that when they go I am going to be so sad. I remember the first time MB left, I seriously felt like my world was crushed. I can never say it enough and i know that I should say it more but she means the world to me and I am grateful every day that I am with her. I have a boyfriend that is wonderful to me, he lights up my life! I have a job that I don't like but it gets the bills paid and makes the time drift faster. I have a church and a church family that I would trade for the world.

I really should write Truman and Wallace, I feel TERRIBLE everyday cause I remember at the most inopportune times that I really need to write them. I can't ever tell them how much they mean to me either. I know that a call would probably make their day... It's ok, I hope that God blesses them with a little more sugar everytime I pray cause I know that I thank God for the missionaries every time I pray.

This night was dreadfully perfect.

Ciao,

Steph

just read my last post.

So I just read my last post, and it is hard to believe that in that last message I talked more about my present than I thought. I know it has been forever since I updated this thing, and I really feel bad that I haven't kept up with my "journaling" but it will all work out. So the funny thing is, since that last message I have started dating Robert Provost. He is absolutely amazing. His was one of the numbers I got that night and we started dating exactly one month after that temple trip. Anyways...

I have also made some friendships that I don't want to ever see go. Like I never knew that there were so many people that I could relate to, although I am still having issues opening up to some of the people. I kinda worry that I may be stuck in an endless circle of never opening up until forced to. Then there are still those times where I know that I should cause my experiences will help someone else and I will put my two cents in but I don't think that I will ever open up like I have with Amanda and Dana.

Updates: Amanda's dad died. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I am not going into detail but I know that she will be ok. I really feel bad cause I haven't been there for her as much as I hope I would. I just can't stand to see her upset. She is one of the people that I would give my all. She is mine... I don't ever want to see anything happen to her but I can't keep her sheltered forever. Her family seems to be dealing with this ok, and I know that they are all strong people.

Sariah, had her twins, they are the most adorable babies that I have ever seen. She actually had them right about the time Robert and I started dating so I haven't been to see them much, but I have been over a couple of times and they are the best babies ever. Shannon and Tim are adopting a baby, I feel kinda bad that I haven't been around them much either. I think this week I am going to try and drag Robert over there with me, maybe a little RB and some dinner. Sounds like a plan that just might work. Well maybe not this week now that I think about the schedule.... oh well.

So I have been reading the ensign again, after slacking off for a little bit, and I can't believe how relevant some of the stories are. I am stuck re-reading the conference 2008 edition and I love it. Every story has parables and life lessons that make so much sense. I am starting to feel more confident in my life. I know that I usually have the big questions of what am I really doing here and what is my life really worth, but I just keep my patriarchal blessing in mind and I see how much of it is coming true. I never knew it until now, I am a natural born leader. :D That makes me happier than you know. Anyways, this has turned out to be way longer than I really wanted it to. So remember... live laugh love and forgive you enemies, physically and emotionally.

Stephanie

P.S. I thought of one more: I want someone that will not let me go through life as a shadow.

When the spirit touches me....

Today was an amazing Sunday, it was the first sunday in a month that I have been able to go to church.

A little background, I have been having a little trouble with a friend, not gonna get into too much detail cause I don't know the details myself. I am just sitting back and waiting for things to calm down and for life to go back to normal...

So church was just speaking to me today, in relief society we went over Forgiveness...

Matthew 18:17-35

¹⁷And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

¹⁸Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

²⁰For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

²¹Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

²²Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

²³Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.

²⁴And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

²⁵But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

²⁶The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

²⁷Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

²⁸But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

²⁹And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

³⁰And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

³¹So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

³²Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:

³³Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

³⁴And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

³⁵So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

To forgive no matter how big or small the trespass is, is pertinent to redemption. It seems that I am having a little trouble forgiving myself for a few of my past transgressions. Well lots of my past transgressions... there are things in my past that I feel I will never be able to forgive myself for. Forgiveness is all inclusive, upon forgiving others we must also forgive ourselves for the repentance process to begin. By not forgiving we are pretty well trying to say that we are working with satan. Who are we to not forgive when God forgives everything?

Forgiveness is on two parts, we must first forgive the action, then we must also forgive the actor. It seems that when we generally forgive we really only forgive the person but we still hold spite and malice towards the action, thus not actually forgiving anyone at all...

I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repents, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance. Luke 15:7

I know this is incomplete, and I can't believe I didn't finish it. ARGH! but I hope you enjoy the first part!!

Lo Tujo es Mio, lo mio es tujo....

So yesterday we went on the temple trip, it was alot of fun. I actually started talking to people and I had just this amazing experience there. I loved it, we went to do baptisms for the dead and it was so much fun. I kinda hope two people would be there, one had a reason not to be there, and the other well he and I don't talk.

I ended up getting like 4 new numbers yesterday, which is awesome. Now I actually have a connection to these people. I texted for a little bit last night. Maybe i'm finally fitting in somewhere. I loved the fact that Bishop told me that every time I go to the temple it is to learn. I didn't kno how I was going to learn this time, but I think God took over and kinda taught me as opposed to making me figure it out. I was the second one to go and Fred came up to me and started asking me ho I was feeling, I told him and he asked me why the baptismal font was below ground level, and explained a little about the symbolism that is going on there. It was really cool. He gave me the rest of the time to ponder about the font, and then at the end, he pretty well taught me how to look it up myself. I answered his question correctly, and then he asked me a few more questions about the font and I actually started understanding the makings of the font. It was really awesome! We went out to Rush's afterwards, and it wasn't the best burgers ever but they were pretty decent. I had alot of fun talking with Jeanine, Louisa, Debby, and Ashley. Keri was a big help too, she was so awesome and pretty well kept me under her wing. I think I am gonna go thank her for all of her help yesterday!

So Neil and Mary leave today for Texas, they are gonna be gone for 2 weeks, and I am just a little nervous as to what I am gonna do for two whole weeks. Oh well. I will manage, and if anything I can always go to Shannon's or Sariah's (UGH I STILL NEED TO CALL HER!) Dangit!

Should I mention he's rich....

So I was kinda bored, I went through a time today when I was thinking about what I wanted.

1. I want someone that will play with my hair.

2. I want someone that will let me put my head in his lap during a movie.

3. I want someone that lets me kiss his hands.

4. I want someone that will play with my toes.

5. I want someone that does small kisses on my neck.

6. I want someone that has laugh lines.

7. I want someone that furrows his brow.

8. I want someone that loves to make me smile.

9. I want someone that watches me walk away.

10. I want someone that tells me when I look fat.

11. I want someone that scratches my back.

12. I want someone that loves to look into my eyes.

13. I want someone that likes to rest his hand on my butt.

14. I want someone that watches whatever I want on t.v.

15. I want someone that texts me just to say hi.

16. I want someone that listens to me ramble.

17. I want someone that actually rambles right back.

18. I want someone that leaves me notes.

19. I want someone that loves songs.

20. I want someone that loves animals.

21. I want someone that loves the church.

22. I want someone that will keep me strong.

23. I want someone that will stay strong, no matter what.

24. I want someone that likes that I don't like storms.

25. I want someone that will just listen to me breathe.

26. I want someone that dances.

27. I want someone that window shops.

28. I want someone that just lets me lay my head in his lap during the times I want to.

I could go on forever with these things....

So I kinda....

So I kinda wanna try and get better at this whole blog thing. I have been in kinda a bad mood recently. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I swear every time God gives me lemons, I end up adding too much sugar and screwing up the lemonade. I had some trouble at work the past month. They put me in the Mini-mart and I couldn't catch a break. There in one person there that is pretty well the matriarch and she kept making snide comments. Of course she led everyone else there so if she had a problem with me everyone did. It finally got to the point that my last day there, no one talked to me. It's whatever though.

I have been hanging out with Shannon, she is really cool, I haven't been hanging with Sariah so much, which I regret every single day. I have just been so busy. MB and family leave this Saturday for a trip to Texas. I want to see my other sister so bad. I miss her like crazy. I have been back at the main store for two days now, I found out that one of my only friends there, his last day, is the 28th. I am pretty bummed about that. Other than that work is pretty boring. There have also been a couple of big things going on with my friends, I just don't want to get into it. 

I am talking to Nick right now, I can't seem to find a date with someone I actually want to go out with. I have been going to the singles ward, but it seems that everyone there is pretty cliquey, I don't seem to fit in. There a couple of guys there that I wouldn't mind dating. 

I have been hanging out with Christian quite a bit. Yes, I admit, I have actually been hanging out and talking to someone that lives in the same state as me. I talked to Hurst for a bit the other day, he is calmed down quite a bit. I have been talking to D off and on for awhile, he is doing really well. Talk to Nick all the time obviously. Oh, nick is coming down in August to hang out. I can't wait. It is only like 3 more months away. I know that sounds like forever but it will be here before I know it. Talked to Heaps and Wallace for just a min the other day, I miss those two like freakin crazy! I actually got to hang out with Wallace, Earl, Zookell, and Bjarnson (BJ) on monday. They were pretty cool. I hope to hang with them some more. I am just glad that they are getting along. Heaps goes home in like 2 weeks. CRAZY! I KNOW! 

I have been making a real attempt at doing things with people, I just have my own reasons for not doing things. I just worry that I am keeping myself from meeting people. Well not me exactly. Anyways, another one of those subjects I am not gonna touch. 

I have been listening to music alot lately. I can't seem to get some songs out of my head, they stick with me. I love music. I don't care how bad my day has been I just seem to chill out and calm down with music. 

As I sit here and type, I can't help but remember what someone said, that I do too much, and I don't know how to say no. I think that I am just a loving and caring person that does stuff for people but I think that I have enough control to  say no. Maybe, it's just a way that I feel accepted, maybe it is just me being weird. Maybe i just like to feel needed, that is why people unload their problems on me. I know that I am a good listener, and that I give good advice. Maybe it's just me....

Steph

:) You're eye....

It's not the way you smile at me, 

It's not the was you say my name,

It's just something in your eyes that reminds me of a day...

reminds me of a day when we first met,

reminds me of a day that we first kissed,

reminds me of a day when I fell.

reminds me o the day when I first missed...

your smile your kiss, my wish your lips.

Tomorrows a day that will never come,

and today is ending too soon.

I can't wait to be in your room.

in your thought and in your dreams,

sad dreams and happy ones too,

reminds me of the day I first saw you.

reminds me of a daw when we first met,

reminds me of the day that we first kissed,

reminds me of the day when I fell,

reminds me of the day when I first missed...

your smile you kiss, my wish your lips.

This time it's my smile. My simple little grin,

I'm forgetting everything I knew before,

I'm forgetting that you walked out my door,

I'm forgetting how sweet you smell,

I'm forgetting you smile so sly,

but there's still something in your eye...

reminds me of a day when we first met,

reminds me of the day that we first kissed,

reminds me of the day when I fell,

reminds me of the day when I first missed...

your smile your kiss, my wish your lips.

As much as I forget, your eyes still remind me....

From top to bottom....

It's kinda amazing, just how fast you can go from the top to the bottom, not missing hitting a peg in between. I always seem to go from friends, to feelings, to best friend. I can't ever seem to fit in between there. What is it about me that makes me such a good friend, and not even coming close to relationship material? I am slightly aggravated that I have let myself fall into this again. Not that I haven't been here before but just that I am stuck here now. I will always be here. Once the feelings are here I know that I am stuck. It seems that I can't ever get past this. I like to be the one that people can turn to but does it have to hurt this much when I realize that I can't turn to someone. I know that I have the friends that I will love forever, and I could call any one of them and if I really needed them to they would fly out here in a heart beat, or they would let me come over and stay with them. I just can't stand the fact that I can't find someone more than just a friend. Maybe I just come on too strong. Maybe I am too forward. Maybe I am too blunt. Maybe I am too honest. Maybe I am too open. Maybe it's everything about me.... it's just me top to bottom.

I talked to Shawn.....

Zone conference!

So I was asked the other day to give my testimony at Zone conference, little did I know I was going to be the only one to show up. It was kinda crazy, when we walked in the chapel, MB, Jorden, and I... there were quite a few handshakes and waves from everyone that knew us. Apparently they had changed the plans since no one showed up, well when I got there, they set it back up for just me. I was terrified. Everyone told me that I did great, and I am sure I did. I was just terrified. It was fun though, I felt special when Heapsey told me that I was a quote in his preach my gospel book... and apparently President McConkie was impressed enough that he was talking about it for awhile, and he was also quoting me through out the conference. I felt special when I heard that. I made sure and told Truman how special he was to me, and how much he and Konesky meant to me. I will never forget them EVER!! I can still remember the fear I felt. Maybe I will go ahead and do my testimony again in three weeks and try and shake a little more out. I can't wait. It was kinda invigorating!

Have you ever....

just had one of those conversations where you told someone something you never thought you would, and as you wait for a reaction you don't get one. I can't help but wonder if I said the wrong thing. I don't know what kind of response I was looking for but something is better than what I got. Anyways...

I can't wait for May, I just want to keep my self calmed down. A friend will be coming with me to Texas, and I think I am going to visit with them in California after. I can't wait to see him. Yeah, it is so freakin awesome that he is going to come meet my family and hang out with me! YEAH!!! 

Side note, I just listened to an awesome song.... Ok, here's the truth by Javier. It was not at all what I was expecting and it is insane.... everyone should listen to it. Listen to the whole thing.  Ok... off for now!

S

Just in a bad mood!

So I seem to have fallen into a funk. I am becoming obsessed with love and the concept of it. This is the loneliest i have felt in four years and i just have to have strength and faith that God will bring me out of this. I kinda worry/wonder if it isn't me just trying to force something with someone. I am still trying the concept of walking in faith and walking in his image. I have been trying so hard, and it seems that every time I get a little ahead I get right back behind. I think it is that time of the month where I just break down and cry but I don't want to. I have nothing to cry about, life is going rather well and everything that has been going on has pretty well been brought on by me. At the same time I don't want to feel like I don't deserve better, but I still have to wonder if I deserve anything at all. It all started with a text from an ex... and it blossomed from there. He actually asked if I saw us getting back together. He said he would change all the bad stuff and change his ways. I just have to remember what it said... what it meant... and  how I felt when I got it. In my heart I want him back so bad but I think it is more so just to fill the lonely. I just need faith, I need help, I need to be more faithful and I need to try harder to be more righteous. I have been doing well... three days and counting....

So I talked to him last night for like 2 hours, of course an hour of it was MB upstairs terrorizing me.... but it's cool it was fun.... I felt like we were young again. I know that 22 isn't old but it sure isn't young. I just want to feel alive and whole.... Sorry to vent about my mood. I can't seem to get happy tonight.... I might just take myself up on the offer of the cry....

S

Not tomorrow!

Thursday February 23rd, 2009... a day to remember. Yup guys that's when I get my blessing!! :D Yeah!!

S

It's just me...

SOOOO... kinda a lot has been going on, I have been having trouble with a friend of mine, and it seems that I am at a point where I don't know what to do. It's not that I have trouble with her, just that she has had trouble and I don't like not being there to protect her. We will change names, Julie has been getting threatening e-mails from Ben's mom, well we speculate that it was Ben's mom. It seems that I can't do anything for her, I feel like I am at a loss. 

Oh, also I got my patriarchal blessing recommend, I need to call for it. I already asked one friend to go with me and she said yes. I am sure that you didn't even have to ask who I asked, yes it was Sariah. Also I want T-$ to go, it would mean a lot to me if he could. IDK though. He lives so far away, I would have to go get him and his companion and I would have to bring them with us, his companion would have to just sit there and wait for me to get done with $. I know that Sariah will be there....

Also it seems that I am having feelings of incompetence. I don't know what to do sometimes. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to feel. I think I am going to start going to the singles ward... I would have to leave the house by 8 and I wouldn't be home until like 4:30, but I think it would be worth it. I kept saying I was going to wait until stake conference but I think I am just going to go for it. waiting doesn't help, it just makes you put off the inevitable. Plus I don't need to use her as a crutch....

Bid, adieu!

Not so good...

So I am feeling like doody, it was nice. I crawled into bed with MB right before they went to sleep. She rubbed my back for a few minutes. It was really nice. So I have body aches, and I just generally feel like crap. I had a fever earlier and I am pretty hungry. 

I haven't been having the best thoughts. I haven't been doing so well with my reading. I am beginning to wonder if I really should go back to Texas. The things... the things... I want to talk to Sariah... I will tomorrow.

There really isn't anything new going on. Still looking for a job. Same ol same going on. I am a little worried about the transfers going on tonight. I am also a little worried about us getting a douche bag in. I just don't want to lose a friend. I am pretty sure that they will stay the same. What if they don't? Will that make the next one even harder? Am I getting too attached? I really don't think I am. I just have made friends, and it seems that as soon as I get to trusting them.... they go away.  Oh well.

S

Much better than last time!

So I went in for another Bishop's meeting, it went way better this time. There were a few things that I just generally needed to talk to him about and there were a few things that he had planned to talk to me about. The mission thing was the same, still there still trying to figure things out. The nursery calling still there, but now that I have embraced it as a wonderful thing and not a burden it seems to be helping a lot. The temple, I think that as long as I keep working at the pace that I am going with, I will have my temple recommend before I know it. Even if I do have to wait until I am 25 to get it. I am just passing the time and doing my best. There is some temple work that I want to do in April, and I am trying to do what I can to prepare for that. I am excited for that too.  The biggest thing: I am getting my patriarchal blessing recommend. I get to get it next month! I am so extremely excited about it, also guess what I wanted to get it with another friend and go with them but they had theirs already. Well I know that it is a little bad to say but things worked out to where they couldn't get it. Now I am going to have mine soon and I think that I am going to get to go with them. I am UBER-excited about that!! Woot!

I am here in Missouri, everything is going well. I got to meet everyone... it was fun. I am just way WAY tired. I want to text some people but I don't want to seem pushy on them so I am laying off for a bit... can't wait to be home...

S

Awesome sleep!

So I have had a little trouble sleeping recently, I don't know what the cause of it is, but I do have to say that I got freakin sweet sleep last night, and I felt amazing when I woke up. Also, I like someone, genuinely like him. I don't want to get into details of who(m?) <~~~ NOT SURE IF THE M SHOULD BE THERE. Anyways, he is way awesome, and I love talking to him. I just don't know how he feels about me and I don't know if he ever would feel that way. Although I have it in good mind that he does reciprocate some sort of feelings.

Church was pretty good today, the kids were decent, although there were only 4 kids in class with three teachers. I thought about asking if I could go to relief society but I didn't just cause I didn't know how well that would go over. Also it seems the bishopric knows that I have been thinking about going to the singles ward. I don't really care that they know, I was just curious as to how. It's not a big deal though. Tee Hee, I also got blown off/dissed by an eleven year old. It was rather funny, it is Robin's daughter. You'll know why when your read below, but she talked to Jorden and when I asked her how she was doing, she just looked away. Silly kids :D!

OOH... I quit my job yesterday. I felt bad until MB helped me figure out what I was going to do and helped me talk to some people. Although I did wimp out and Sariah <~~~ LOVE HER took my keys inside for me, so I wouldn't have to see Robin. We went to go to the movies last night, and it seemed that it wasn't written in the stars. We went to one place in Summerville and they were sold out, then we went to a place in North Charleston and they weren't even showing the movie. So we ended up going to Denny's and just chatting and eating. There were these UBER rude women there, they had their phones out on the table and they were playing music, it was pretty ridiculous. Also Sariah, called the cops on this stupid driver. She was all over the road, and she was superdy duperdy reckless. Also hen Jenn was turning onto Crowfield, there was this retarded black guy, dressed in dark clothing that ran out into the road and flashed a sign for a moving sale. It was insane, Jenn almost hit him and then when she honked, he flipped her off. It was pretty crazy. Oh well, I am pretty sure that we are going to try the movie thing again on Tuesday.

TTFN
S

My favorite People!

Just a thought...

So I am laying here just thinking, thinking about how the world is as it is. Life isn't terrible but there are a lot of things I could do to improve my situation. I love who I have become. Who knew that just a thing as simple as going back to church and finding my true faith that I would feel better about myself. Now I am thinking about what I can do to find someone. I am not used to being alone, and I am not used to not having friends all around me. I don't care how long I live out here, I don't think I ever will be. I am not a social butterfly but my life seems to make more sense when I am helping other people. I love taking care of people. I know that in the hustle and bustle I tend to forget to take care of myself. That sucks sometimes, but I am going crazy. The point of this one is to vent about my lack of a love life. I have a few people that i am interested in but there is nothing reciprocated. I know that there is nothing. There is one guy that I don't necessarily want to be with (I wouldn't mind it) but I want someone like him. I hear him talk about his ex-'s and I am just amazed that there are really guys out there that are that kind and loving. I am seriously raising my standards every time I talk to him. It seems that I have seen the lower side of the people and now I want to see the higher. I am tired of having to force relationships to work, and just settling. I want to find someone that shares my beliefs, feelings, goals (although I don't know what my aspirations really are), and just as basic as liking my flavor of toothpaste. I know that we will have our differences, and I know that it will kill me to give up some stuff but hey, he will feel the same about some of his stuff. I just want to find someone that I can love forever. I have my friends, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are the greatest people in the world, and I love every single one of them.  I just want to find someone to be there through it all! Also I want to extend a super special thanks to a certain someone for being there and always knowing just what to say. Thank you for just being there no matter what, and just listening.... you are amazing and I truly love you with all my heart.

Later Days,

S

New Years was kinda...

So new years was kinda a drag, we went to the Charleston in the park at Marion Square, it was pretty fun I guess, there were some really awesome parts where we laughed like there was no tomorrow. MB and I have been doing alright, she and I have been arguing again. I just don't know what to do or say to her. I am stuck.... I love it here and I am so glad that she lets me stay here. 

So on a side note I am going to be looking for a new job soon, the one that I have right now is CRAP! I get paid minimum wage and my hours have been cut like crazy. I just want to get out of there. Everyone is looking for another job from what I assume, the store just sucks... 

After the marion square thing, I made Nick go out to another friends apartment for milk shakes, it was pretty awesome and I love going over there. I feel almost normal when I am there. There are also a few more friends that I love to go visit. I feel like I am back home when I hang with them. So after the milk shakes we ended up sitting on the couch and just playing on the computer and talking until Midnight, then we played guitar hero....

No kiss on new years!

S