It's a deep kinda night...

So I am kinda stumped, Robert sprung it on me that he is going to stop going to the singles ward in about two months. I hope that I would have enough influence with him that he would keep going out of respect for me. It is just odd that he wouldn't be involved in something that is a big part of me. I know that it is his decision ultimately, but I would still hope that I could keep him going with me. If he transfers his records back to the West Ashley ward, I wouldn't be able to transfer my records where he is. So I would either have to stay in the SW or transfer my records back to Crowfield and just go to West Ashley. I know that he has a valid argument, we spend alot of time together, and what is just 3 hours. But I think that my argument is relevant also. I want him to be there for my spiritual needs as well as my emotional. I need him to be there. I know that I can just talk to him about it, but he is so hard headed that I don't think that my opinion will have a big enough effect.

There are still parts of me that think that he is shielding himself, not letting himself open up completely and I know that is holding him back from giving himself completely to me. I don't know if he has a fear of me not loving him, or me loving him too much and he doesn't feel worthy of love. This is also the reason that I don't like psycho-analyzing my friends and my love. I know that I can say it but I don't know if he believes me when I say it. I do love him, there is something about him that just captivates me. I can't see my life without him right now. I am still just tripping about him not doing church with me, I even told him that I would cut my hours with him to keep him in church with me. It's not that I think he is going to fall away from there church if I am not there to keep him involved, I just think he is going to make himself more of a recluse again. I don't want him to pull away socially. I think it is a good thing that he is out there. I know that he knows that people are still going to be around because of me, but I know that he is going to feel like he doesn't fit in.

I hope that age isn't his driving factor for leaving the ward. I know that 30 isn't that old, I know that he is going to be 31 in 2 months, but I want him to know that he isn't 30. He is an amazing soul and that he is an amazing person. He is so cool and people love him for that. Although, the people that are in the ward right now (some of them, not all) are not nearly as mature as their years count. It is sad that the people that are in there mid to late 20's are acting like they are 16. It is pathetic and ridiculous. I just have an old soul and I want the classic life, I want to be happy, I want to be comfortable, I want to be just as in love with my husband at 20 years as I was at 2 months, I want to be able to be honest, and ugly, and sick, and funny.... everything that is me around people and not get judged for it. I think that some people just hang out with me because they like to make their judgements internally. They like to be witness to the next saga of the Stephanie show... This is the Stephanie show logging off for tonight.

S