It really has been a long time since I have seen this blog, I want to keep up with it more often but I know that I probably won't have the time or memory.
I want to more than anything just find a way to keep my memories so that I won't lose them as I get older. Update today: I have the flu, I feel like I am dying. Seriously though, I hope I am not though I would be very sad to lose my husband.
I can say that these last few months I have had some baby fever and I am kinda looking forward to getting pregnant. I do have to say that my last cycle that I am going through has been a little rough but I think it will get more regular as they come. I did take a fertility test and it came back normal so I shouldn't hjave trouble and hopefully within these next few months i will be with child. I think that would be amazing.
Christmas was fun, and so was Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving we spent the day at Robert's parents house. The food was SOOOO good. The only thing that sucked was that the night before Robert and I worked for 18 hours at the NEX getting it ready for Black Friday. Christmas was fun, Robert and I shared our presents before the actual Christmas day and so when we woke up it was a time for just us. Robert played his video games as I watched. Then I napped and we went to Jeff and Felicia's for dinner. The food was AMAZING!! I seem to have an affinity for good food. lol
Other than that, work is still work and life is still life. I thought Marriage would be harder than this, it is just like living with my best friend. Conversation and life isn't hard, we just go day to day and live in bliss.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Whispered Dreams....
So I am having trouble accessing sleep tonight. I don't know why. I don't think it's because of stress... I don't feel stressed. I don't think it's because of too much sleep... I haven't been sleeping much as it is. I don't think it's because of too much excitement... life is pretty mundane right now. I think it is my dreams... I don't want to have my dreams and I don't want to be stuck with the memory of them.
If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.
For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.
Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.
Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.
I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.
Pray for lucid dreams
If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.
For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.
Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.
Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.
I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.
Pray for lucid dreams
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Most hated moment!
So seriously, I have been in a mood where I don't want to be micro-managed at work or on facebook. I have become increasingly agitated with the people at work that after I finish a job they just have to look at it. The firs thing that pops into my head is... I KNOW I AM YOUNG, I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH EXPERIENCE AS I SHOULD, BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN DOING EMBROIDERY ALOT LONGER THAN YOU AND IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU THINK I SCREWED IT UP, THE CUSTOMER LOVED IT SO SHOVE IT!
I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.
Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.
I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.
Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
THE story....
So it all started on March 31, 2010... lol but seriously, so last night we are in the car right around midnight talking about how funny it would be to do an April Fool's joke with an empty box. So Today, April 1, 2010, Robert comes to pick me up from work and he comes in and visits with me for a few minutes. When we finally leave I go out to his car and I see a Zale's box on the dashboard of his car, I wouldn't even touch the box. Seriously. I told him that I wouldn't even touch it, cause I didn't want to look like and idiot. I just knew the box was empty and that I was gonna get stuck looking like the Fool! So he snatched it off the dash and put it in his pocket and told me fine I couldn't have it.
As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!
So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.
Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.
I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!
Stephanie
As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!
So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.
Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.
I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!
Stephanie
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Teeny weeny bikini!
So as the summer is rapidly approaching, I actually broke down and bought some diet pills. I know I always swore I wouldn't, but I just know that I need to trim up a little. I have been eating better and I know that they won't fix everything, but I am hoping that they help a little. I just want to lose about 20 pounds. One of my fears that i have is that when I start losing weight, it will be all in my boobs, seriously I like my boobs, I don't want to see them go. I know that in the long run as weight is lost on my waist it will also come out of my chest and I am fine with that.
So today I took my first two doses of Hydroxycut. I did alot of research on it and I made sure that I crossed my p's and q's. (:D Bonus points to anyone that can correct that and tell me the meaning and origin!) But I did notice that I was less hungry when I took them and I made sure and drank plenty of water, as a matter of fact, I must use the facilities as it is! lol
I am just hoping that before bathing suit season actually starts I will be a little trimmer, if I could just lose weight out of my face I would be TOTALLY happy. I really want to just lose that and a little on my back and tummy. I have been working out but I think that since my work schedule has become sorta regular I can start waking up at a decent hour and working out before work, I think that will help too. Oh well... wish me luck!!
Steph!
So today I took my first two doses of Hydroxycut. I did alot of research on it and I made sure that I crossed my p's and q's. (:D Bonus points to anyone that can correct that and tell me the meaning and origin!) But I did notice that I was less hungry when I took them and I made sure and drank plenty of water, as a matter of fact, I must use the facilities as it is! lol
I am just hoping that before bathing suit season actually starts I will be a little trimmer, if I could just lose weight out of my face I would be TOTALLY happy. I really want to just lose that and a little on my back and tummy. I have been working out but I think that since my work schedule has become sorta regular I can start waking up at a decent hour and working out before work, I think that will help too. Oh well... wish me luck!!
Steph!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Where does my happiness fit in?
So, as I have been under alot of stress and been running my poor little brain a mile a minute, I have come to one conclusion. I really think of other people way too much. Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to say that I am some Mother Theresa and I never think about myself cause I do. I think about myself alot and I do what I want alot. But it seems on the important things where I should really think about myself, it's just not happening.
I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D
Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.
Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.
Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.
Stephie
I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D
Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.
Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.
Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.
Stephie
Friday, February 12, 2010
Snow... snow.... snow....
So I realized the best time to ever surprise me, do it when I am experiencing something I have never experienced before. It snowed tonight and it is still snowing. It is insane how much it is snowing outside. I can't wait until the morning so I can see what the snow really looks like. I had a blast having a snowball fight with everyone, it was so much fun just rolling around in the snow and playing. Neil (I think) got me a good one in the face and i had snow shot straight up my nose. That was a horrible feeling but I Loved every minute of it.
Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...
S
Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...
S
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Holiday...
So I have been going through alot of crap recently, life just seems like it's not going to get easier. Tolerance and appreciation is running thin. I am having trouble seeing through the fog a little and I have to make some decisions soon that are going to affect my whole life. These are decisions that are way bigger than I am. Life is just not going as smooth as I would hope. I do have a few things that are going well though, like MB and I haven't really fought in awhile. That is a BIG plus for us, and work is kinda straightening itself out. Faye put in her two weeks then pulled it like 2 days later so I know that means Marci isn't going to be getting rid of me any time soon just cause she knows that Faye might just do it again.
I heard this song this morning and I knew that the words were ringing true for me, and I know that this is going to be my theme song for the next few months cause I don't see them getting any easier. I just have my priorities set at, question, answer, conversation, decision, and follow through. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just use a flow chart of life to make all of our decisions. Where we had the time to write pros and cons and do comparisons and figure out and micro manage our own lives. Wouldn't it be easier if we knew the future.... if only...
Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.
Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.
Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.
Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.
Don't bother to pack your bags
Or your map.
We won't need them where we're goin'.
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay.
Or your map.
We won't need them where we're goin'.
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay.
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse. (On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our (Sheltered in his Bivouac)
Friends and family in free verse. (On this road we'll never die.)
Friends and family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse. (On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our (Sheltered in his Bivouac)
Friends and family in free verse. (On this road we'll never die.)
Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
My eyes aren't clear....
So this morning I woke up with tears in my eyes, I hate when I do this cause I know that my eyes will be unclear for most of the morning. I had an odd dream but I can't help but wonder how much this is true or how much my dream is a sign of my reality.
I don't remember all of it, but it seems that I keep going back to Texas, I keep going back to Harlan's, I keep seeing the same old people, but the store is set up different. I am not sure that makes any sense, I know that it is probably just a sign that things have changed since I left. Well as we are leaving Harlan's we end up going to a little house on a prairie and there is a big train tracks there. My sisters and I decide to get on and ride the train around the tracks and as I come back around I have to pee so I jump off the train and run back inside. There were two guys there, Charles and someone else. Charles goes out to tell them to stop the trains so I can come out and get back on but they decided to keep going. As I come out I think to myself ok, I will just wait until they get closer to go out. They get closer, I go out, I wait... they get closer... they approach me... they keep going while staring at me. I cry. I can't help but wonder how much of a metaphor that is for life. I wonder how much I am going to miss with my sisters. I know that I already miss alot. I know that I am not like them anymore. I know that I have made my decisions and now I have to live with them. Yet, I also know that I wouldn't go back to save my life. I like where I am. I am just so frustrated that I feel like I am caught between my family and my church.
Well I woke up at this point and went back to sleep....
At this point I am still a little distraught cause of my original dream and I am crying already and we are walking around a town, there is a LDS church in this town and it is a little run down. I don't recognize it though. As a group of people (including me) are walking across the street I sit on the curb and just start crying, a group of three girls walk by and just laugh and keep walking. I decide to break away from the group and I walk into the church, as I am walking through the church I can't help but think to myself how much I just want to go home. I try and make it look like I haven't been crying and i keep walking through the church. I finally program the address of where I am going into my gps and i set off but I am a single white female walking through a progressively bad neighborhood. There are three young kids, maybe 12 - 15 and they stop and they think that they are going to mug me. I beat two of them up and the other two just leave. I run back to the church and as I am walking through cause I know that it's not safe on the streets. I go into Br Walkers institute class and I sit down at a desk with no one around me. The three girls walk in. It's three girls that I know from the ward but I am not going to put their names cause I know that they would not appreciate that. But they walk in and just sneer at me which makes me cry some more.
Well my eyes have finally cleared up, I just wish my mind could.
S
I don't remember all of it, but it seems that I keep going back to Texas, I keep going back to Harlan's, I keep seeing the same old people, but the store is set up different. I am not sure that makes any sense, I know that it is probably just a sign that things have changed since I left. Well as we are leaving Harlan's we end up going to a little house on a prairie and there is a big train tracks there. My sisters and I decide to get on and ride the train around the tracks and as I come back around I have to pee so I jump off the train and run back inside. There were two guys there, Charles and someone else. Charles goes out to tell them to stop the trains so I can come out and get back on but they decided to keep going. As I come out I think to myself ok, I will just wait until they get closer to go out. They get closer, I go out, I wait... they get closer... they approach me... they keep going while staring at me. I cry. I can't help but wonder how much of a metaphor that is for life. I wonder how much I am going to miss with my sisters. I know that I already miss alot. I know that I am not like them anymore. I know that I have made my decisions and now I have to live with them. Yet, I also know that I wouldn't go back to save my life. I like where I am. I am just so frustrated that I feel like I am caught between my family and my church.
Well I woke up at this point and went back to sleep....
At this point I am still a little distraught cause of my original dream and I am crying already and we are walking around a town, there is a LDS church in this town and it is a little run down. I don't recognize it though. As a group of people (including me) are walking across the street I sit on the curb and just start crying, a group of three girls walk by and just laugh and keep walking. I decide to break away from the group and I walk into the church, as I am walking through the church I can't help but think to myself how much I just want to go home. I try and make it look like I haven't been crying and i keep walking through the church. I finally program the address of where I am going into my gps and i set off but I am a single white female walking through a progressively bad neighborhood. There are three young kids, maybe 12 - 15 and they stop and they think that they are going to mug me. I beat two of them up and the other two just leave. I run back to the church and as I am walking through cause I know that it's not safe on the streets. I go into Br Walkers institute class and I sit down at a desk with no one around me. The three girls walk in. It's three girls that I know from the ward but I am not going to put their names cause I know that they would not appreciate that. But they walk in and just sneer at me which makes me cry some more.
Well my eyes have finally cleared up, I just wish my mind could.
S
Sunday, January 24, 2010
I had one of those moments...
NEEDLES and YARN! My life seems to be in a knitting cycle, I think about the days and I think knit 2 purl 1.... knit 2 purl 1.... k2tog.... pull slip stitich... PSSO... life seems to have been broken down to primary colors and the power of two metal rods as they twine the yarn together.
I can break it down even further.... let's start with a basic knit one row... purl one row... no need to involve ribbing. Life is funny that way. It seems as though when I start the knit, when I start anything new I get caught up in the past and I forget which stitch I am on. Then I start to think back about when I started other things and how I felt and how I dreamt and I can't help but remember the pain and torment that it truly caused. It is rough to think that if I had made one different decision at any part in my life I may not be here right now. I wouldn't change a thing... I am in love with a wonderful man and I wouldn't change that for the world. I feel like I talk about Robert so much and I am left to dwell on a statement that I made the other day.
"Baby, I thought about it, and i can't wait until I can fall asleep in your arms and not have to think about getting up in a few hours to leave."
I could sleep in his arms forever, literally, and I know that it's not just in his arms. I love to just lay in his bed and sleep... I love to let myself just collapse and curl up within comfort and just know that he is there. Just knowing that there is someone out there that I am completely comfortable with... someone that I feel like I have known for years. I know that this is destiny... in every inch of my being I know this.
I don't like to gush over him and I don't like to talk about him all the time. I don't want people to think that I am obsessed with him. I just know.... and i like that i just know....
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The LAME-inites....
So I was at work yesterday and per a previous conversation with my friend Ann (<3 she's cool) she asked a question regarding the garments we wear. She was really awesome about trying to be discreet about it cause she knew that people would have a hard time understanding exactly what or why, but the more "shady" she was being the more the people wanted to know what she was talking about. I really have no shame about my religion, I know that people won't always agree with it. But, just like I told Ann today on fb that tolerance is a part of free agency, the reason why I didn't get upset about the following story is because people have the choice to be as tolerant or as intolerant as possible, and who am I to judge about how they handle stuff. Anyways... I really didn't get too upset about this only because i know that they just didn't understand what I was saying, although I am sure that I didn't explain it very well either.
So after Ann asked her question, we got on the topics of temples and stuff. Penny started asking what was the difference between mormons and baptists. I told her that we still worship God, and we still view Jesus as the son of God and the savior of man, but that there was more to the story. I went through the story of Jesus coming to the americas and how he taught the people here. Of course as soon as I said the word Laminites instead of Native Americans, Penny took it as a racial slur against her heritage. I tried explaining that to her to and she was pretty well shut down by then. So I continued on with my story and how Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith and how the Book of Mormon (BoM) was found. I think she was pretty well turned off to the idea of it though.
I wish there was some way that I could have better explained this, although it does make me feel better about the missionaries, and it really does shine light on what they do every day. They go out and knock doors every day and get shot down all the time, but the still go out and still knock doors and still try to share their message. It really is inspiring to know that they are blessed and set apart from God to be able to go forth with this calling. I know that not everyone will agree with what I believe, I don't agree with what some people believe either, I just know that I am not fit to judge. I just feel that as long as people approach my views with an open mind and not try and change what I believe I am fine with them. It's when the people start to shun me or judge me or make assumptions about things that I have problems with it. Oh well.... I'm just one day closer to paradise!
Steph
So after Ann asked her question, we got on the topics of temples and stuff. Penny started asking what was the difference between mormons and baptists. I told her that we still worship God, and we still view Jesus as the son of God and the savior of man, but that there was more to the story. I went through the story of Jesus coming to the americas and how he taught the people here. Of course as soon as I said the word Laminites instead of Native Americans, Penny took it as a racial slur against her heritage. I tried explaining that to her to and she was pretty well shut down by then. So I continued on with my story and how Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith and how the Book of Mormon (BoM) was found. I think she was pretty well turned off to the idea of it though.
I wish there was some way that I could have better explained this, although it does make me feel better about the missionaries, and it really does shine light on what they do every day. They go out and knock doors every day and get shot down all the time, but the still go out and still knock doors and still try to share their message. It really is inspiring to know that they are blessed and set apart from God to be able to go forth with this calling. I know that not everyone will agree with what I believe, I don't agree with what some people believe either, I just know that I am not fit to judge. I just feel that as long as people approach my views with an open mind and not try and change what I believe I am fine with them. It's when the people start to shun me or judge me or make assumptions about things that I have problems with it. Oh well.... I'm just one day closer to paradise!
Steph
Monday, January 18, 2010
My age limit is 7...
So work today was funny and interesting and I knew that I had to share it with everyone, some of you will get kicks out of this mor many many different reason, just let me set the situation up for you.
I didn't shower this morning (yuck I know) cause I was running late, and I am wearing yesterday's make-up that I refreshed this morning. I am standing behind the counter and I am helping two older black gentlemen and when I say older I am referencing like 50-55 years old. Well one guy, we will call him Bill cause I don't know his name, looked at the tat that I have on my chest, and looked to Sydney, the other guy, and was like do you see the butterfly? Sydney said, yeah I see it, then asked me if I had a bee after my butterfly. I just giggled and said that I am dating someone, then he told me that I needed to date him, and he told me he was going to leave me with his number. As he is writing the number he is asking random things about me not too personal and he said that i needed to date both he and Robert. I was trying to be nice and didn't want to hurt the gentleman's feelings so I just told him that I was very much so into the guy I was with and that I was with a strict church and couldn't have a bee after my butterfly until I was married. He then asked me what church I was a part of and I told him I was a mormon and I am going to quote him... "Isn't that the church where you can have 4 or 5 husbands?" I was like no we ended that in the 1800's and he said I thought it was going on yesterday. I told him that there were some radical sects out there that still practice it but they don't follow the docterine of the BoM so they aren't affiliated with the LDS church. He told me that I needed to look into that church instead of the one I am in. (Very much so an anti-christ quality) Then he started asking me some of the things I am into, and i told him like puzzles, and knitting, and hanging out, watching movies, cooking... etc. He told me that he would marry me in a heart beat and I was still being stand-offish but he kept going. So I put his number in my pocket and helped the customers that had come up.
I thought they had left the store when I threw his number away but unbeknownst to me they were still shopping. Sydney decided to get a movie and just had to come back through my line. Then he said that he had come up with a perfect idea, that he and I and Bill and Wendie should go out to lunch or dinner. I told him that I didn't know I would have to think about it and I told him that if Wendie agreed I would go. I know that Wendie will never agree to go so I am not that worried about it. Anyways, I dipped into the trashcan after Sydney turned around and got his number out and his friend caught me. I started laughing cause Wendie started laughing and I turned beet red cause I had been caught. Well they bought some flowers and left. I was still so embarrassed. UGH!
So I called Jilli and told her what happened she and i Just laughed about it, then I called Robert <3 and he was like, (jokingly) fine I see how it is. You are going for an older man. I said well you know that I like older men, look at you. He said I know, I am your limit. I said, so 7 years is my limit, why didn't you tell me that before I would have told him no flat out that he was way to old for me. lol....
UGH! Gotta love old pervie men, yay.....
S
I didn't shower this morning (yuck I know) cause I was running late, and I am wearing yesterday's make-up that I refreshed this morning. I am standing behind the counter and I am helping two older black gentlemen and when I say older I am referencing like 50-55 years old. Well one guy, we will call him Bill cause I don't know his name, looked at the tat that I have on my chest, and looked to Sydney, the other guy, and was like do you see the butterfly? Sydney said, yeah I see it, then asked me if I had a bee after my butterfly. I just giggled and said that I am dating someone, then he told me that I needed to date him, and he told me he was going to leave me with his number. As he is writing the number he is asking random things about me not too personal and he said that i needed to date both he and Robert. I was trying to be nice and didn't want to hurt the gentleman's feelings so I just told him that I was very much so into the guy I was with and that I was with a strict church and couldn't have a bee after my butterfly until I was married. He then asked me what church I was a part of and I told him I was a mormon and I am going to quote him... "Isn't that the church where you can have 4 or 5 husbands?" I was like no we ended that in the 1800's and he said I thought it was going on yesterday. I told him that there were some radical sects out there that still practice it but they don't follow the docterine of the BoM so they aren't affiliated with the LDS church. He told me that I needed to look into that church instead of the one I am in. (Very much so an anti-christ quality) Then he started asking me some of the things I am into, and i told him like puzzles, and knitting, and hanging out, watching movies, cooking... etc. He told me that he would marry me in a heart beat and I was still being stand-offish but he kept going. So I put his number in my pocket and helped the customers that had come up.
I thought they had left the store when I threw his number away but unbeknownst to me they were still shopping. Sydney decided to get a movie and just had to come back through my line. Then he said that he had come up with a perfect idea, that he and I and Bill and Wendie should go out to lunch or dinner. I told him that I didn't know I would have to think about it and I told him that if Wendie agreed I would go. I know that Wendie will never agree to go so I am not that worried about it. Anyways, I dipped into the trashcan after Sydney turned around and got his number out and his friend caught me. I started laughing cause Wendie started laughing and I turned beet red cause I had been caught. Well they bought some flowers and left. I was still so embarrassed. UGH!
So I called Jilli and told her what happened she and i Just laughed about it, then I called Robert <3 and he was like, (jokingly) fine I see how it is. You are going for an older man. I said well you know that I like older men, look at you. He said I know, I am your limit. I said, so 7 years is my limit, why didn't you tell me that before I would have told him no flat out that he was way to old for me. lol....
UGH! Gotta love old pervie men, yay.....
S
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