My eyes aren't clear....

So this morning I woke up with tears in my eyes, I hate when I do this cause I know that my eyes will be unclear for most of the morning. I had an odd dream but I can't help but wonder how much this is true or how much my dream is a sign of my reality.

I don't remember all of it, but it seems that I keep going back to Texas, I keep going  back to Harlan's, I keep seeing the same old people, but the store is set up different. I am not sure that makes any sense, I know that it is probably just a sign that things have changed since I left. Well as we are leaving Harlan's we end up going to a little house on a prairie and there is a big train tracks there. My sisters and I decide to get on and ride the train around the tracks and as I come back around I have to pee so I jump off the train and run back inside. There were two guys there, Charles and someone else. Charles goes out to tell them to stop the trains so I can come out and get back on but they decided to keep going. As I come out I think to myself ok, I will just wait until they get closer to go out. They get closer, I go out, I wait... they get closer... they approach me... they keep going while staring at me. I cry. I can't help but wonder how much of a metaphor that is for life. I wonder how much I am going to miss with my sisters. I know that I already miss alot. I know that I am not like them anymore. I know that I have made my decisions and now I have to live with them. Yet, I also know that I wouldn't go back to save my life. I like where I am. I am just so frustrated that I feel like I am caught between my family and my church.

Well I woke up at this point and went back to sleep....

At this point I am still a little distraught cause of my original dream and I am crying already and we are walking around a town, there is a LDS church in this town and it is a little run down. I don't recognize it though. As a group of people (including me) are walking across the street I sit on the curb and just start crying, a group of three girls walk by and just laugh and keep walking. I decide to break away from the group and I walk into the church, as I am walking through the church I can't help but think to myself how much I just want to go home. I try and make it look like I haven't been crying and i keep walking through the church. I finally program the address of where I am going into my gps and i set off but I am a single white female walking through a progressively bad neighborhood. There are three young kids, maybe 12 - 15 and they stop and they think that they are going to mug me. I beat two of them up and the other two just leave. I run back to the church and as I am walking through cause I know that it's not safe on the streets. I go into Br Walkers institute class and I sit down at a desk with no one around me. The three girls walk in. It's three girls that I know from the ward but I am not going to put their names cause I know that they would not appreciate that. But they walk in and just sneer at me which makes me cry some more.

Well my eyes have finally cleared up, I just wish my mind could.

S