It hasn't been 7 months for nothing, the thing is, life hasn't been so hard the past 6 months. It has bee the remaining month that has been hard. Life seems like it is at a turning point for me and I don't know if it is turning for the better. Both cars are going to crap, well one is already there since I wrecked it, work is not satisfying, I feel like I am left out by my friends and school is not living up to my expectations either. I haven't been able to go to church much recently and I feel like I am letting my family down just by existing and the thought of not existing hurts too much to think about. I might not be able to go to Texas for Christmas and I don't know how to explain it to my family, money is tight, like really really tight. We are barely making ends meet.
I love my husband he is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the morning and go on with my day. Without him I think I would not be able to function, he is my foundation.
The shake in my hands has gotten worse with the stress and I can't wait to get pregnant. It's sad to say but I don't think I will ever get pregnant. Not that I am trying to complain or look for pity from somewhere I genuinely think there is something wrong with me and i won't be able to conceive. The doctor says, lose 50 pounds and we will try hormone therapy, no doctor has ever told me to lose weight. I know that I am larger but I have never truly had issues with my body until then. Now I look in the mirror and all I think is 50 pounds.... 50 pounds.... 50 pounds. It's been almost 2 months and I haven't lost a single pound, I am scared of trying, what if I can't, what if losing the weight makes me different. I am just so tired all of the time. I want to rest and not hurt. I hurt so much, my shoulders and back and feet are always in pain.
Life has just been hard especially these last 2 weeks.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
A Rock and Hard Place...
So I feel like life is getting harder, it seems like I am seriously being put between a rock and a hard place. I want to go see my family in Texas, I dream about it and think about it with every fiber of my being. Robert has finally conceded to going with me, that was a WHOLE different story... but I digress, and now that I am ready the money is just not here. My sister wants to do a baby shower in May in Texas, I can't afford to go. They said my mom would buy me a ticket, anyone that knows me knows that I HATE GIFTS! I especially hate the ones that make me feel like I am indebted to them. I don't want people to feel obligated to buy me gifts. If someone wants to just get me something small that they saw and it reminded them of me, I am fine with that, but Christmas and Birthday's make me EXCEEDINGLY uncomfortable. Anyways, they said my mom would buy me a ticket, Wanda said she wants me to come because she has news, obviously I am not high enough on her totem pole to inform immediately of important news, I have to wait until she is ready. Yet I am sure all the rest of my family knows. I feel like these 2000 miles is really 200,000 miles just because there is more than just a spatial gap, there is an emotional gap, that destroys me!
I miss my family so much it just seems like money is ALWAYS tight. I think that in October if we haven't been to see my family yet, we are most definitely going to Texas instead of Orlando. I feel like that going to Texas is WAY more important than going to a stupid theme park where I can't do anything except walk around and spend money. Even if we did end up going to Orlando I think I would be miserable the whole time... but does that matter to his family!?! NO! All that matters is that his side of the family is having fun, it's just something else that makes me feel like I don't belong. Every single person in his family knows that I get motion sick... yet, they still decided to go to an amusement park for the "family reunion"
I know that this blog post is extremely negative, it just seems like I am in a bad place tonight. I want to just sleep... I want to sleep long and hard and not go to church tomorrow. That is another thing that is bothering me... why don't I have a calling in church!?! Every other person in the church has a calling, EXCEPT me, it has been almost a year... Oh well, that is enough complaining to a white screen that no one will read.
I miss my family so much it just seems like money is ALWAYS tight. I think that in October if we haven't been to see my family yet, we are most definitely going to Texas instead of Orlando. I feel like that going to Texas is WAY more important than going to a stupid theme park where I can't do anything except walk around and spend money. Even if we did end up going to Orlando I think I would be miserable the whole time... but does that matter to his family!?! NO! All that matters is that his side of the family is having fun, it's just something else that makes me feel like I don't belong. Every single person in his family knows that I get motion sick... yet, they still decided to go to an amusement park for the "family reunion"
I know that this blog post is extremely negative, it just seems like I am in a bad place tonight. I want to just sleep... I want to sleep long and hard and not go to church tomorrow. That is another thing that is bothering me... why don't I have a calling in church!?! Every other person in the church has a calling, EXCEPT me, it has been almost a year... Oh well, that is enough complaining to a white screen that no one will read.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thirty day Challenge.... Day... Ugh... does it even matter
So the thirty day challenge was just that, a challenge, and I failed it, as I expected I would. I haven't been keeping up with much recently, I feel like life is getting harder and harder to get things done. I got a job YAY but it seems like I am getting limited hours, so I think I have to find a second job.
I failed at the thirdy day challenge in a BIG way. Seriously though. I didn't even make it halfway through. Kind of an euphamism for my life. I usually give up half wayt hrough for the things that don't matter as much to me. There are things that do matter to me that i know I will never give up on....
1) My family, as much as I have malice towards certain people in my family, I will never give up on them. Even when every inch of my being is telling me to just quit thinking about them and let it go, I can't.... most people should know right now that I am talking about my dad. My sisters, oh gosh, what do I say about them, they are my whole world. We NEVER talk, well mary adn I do sometimes, and Wanda and I have sporadic, short, yet meaningful conversations.... but I love them more than life itself... I love them more than chocolate milk! My mom, SHE IS A GODDESS! She is the epitomy or perfection, ok maybe not that perfect but to me she is my everything. She and I probably talk the least, but I swear she is telepathic, she can always call right at the right moment, it's her mom power.
2) My husband, Robert means more to me than I can ever explain. I will never be able to put into straight words what he means to me and to my life. I joked with him, when we first started dating, I had NOOOOOO intention of ever getting serious with him, I was just making friends. Then BOOM a year later we are married. Really funny thing, is that most of his family thought we were pregnant and that's why we wanted a speedy wedding. HAH! I still wonder how many of them really thought we were active!?! SOOO, between, my husband and my mom and sisters technically my heart should explode. Yet, there is still a little room for a kid in my life.
3) Myself, as much as I think about it and as much as I know I should sometimes quit trying stuff. I know that just giving up will get to me. I know that I am amazing and super duper smart and that I can do so much, but sometimes I have other things on my plate. Like going to school, right now it's a goo after thought and I think that I could do it one day, it just seems like I always have too much going on to even think about that as a feasible option. I need to just set it in stone and DO IT! But what do I go to school for...
4) My friends, you know who you are, and most of you don't even read my blogs, funny thing is I know that most of you won't read my blogs. But there are a select few that I would lay my life on the line for... seriously, once I reach that point of trust, it never goes away. One person that I love above all other friends is Amanda, if she called em tomorrow and said she really needed me to come back to Texas, I would be there in an instant. She knows that she can ask anything of me and it will be taken care of. She is a sister to me. My other friends might have to do a hairs worth of convincing to get me to come back at the drop of a hat! ;) I love my friends, they are what keep me sane and grounded.
I need to add one more thing to this list, but it's me having faith to take care of it.... my weight... I found out on Sunday, I have gained 15 POUNDS since I lost my job. Seriously, I was already overweight but now there is another 15 POUNDS! I need to seriously buckle down and start trying to lose... I know I am beautiful, I still get hit on by guys and stuff, but still... I never pictured in my mental image of me as fat, now with these 15 pounds, my mental image is HUGE! GEEZE... 15 POUNDS! So, I don't want to start a weight loss blog, but I am going to start a challenge, anyone that reads this and sees me eating unhealthy food, STOP ME! Remind me of my 15 POUNDS, and remind me that I need to lose weight. Don't stop me from eating just stop me from eating crap that will just make me gain weight again.
I failed at the thirdy day challenge in a BIG way. Seriously though. I didn't even make it halfway through. Kind of an euphamism for my life. I usually give up half wayt hrough for the things that don't matter as much to me. There are things that do matter to me that i know I will never give up on....
1) My family, as much as I have malice towards certain people in my family, I will never give up on them. Even when every inch of my being is telling me to just quit thinking about them and let it go, I can't.... most people should know right now that I am talking about my dad. My sisters, oh gosh, what do I say about them, they are my whole world. We NEVER talk, well mary adn I do sometimes, and Wanda and I have sporadic, short, yet meaningful conversations.... but I love them more than life itself... I love them more than chocolate milk! My mom, SHE IS A GODDESS! She is the epitomy or perfection, ok maybe not that perfect but to me she is my everything. She and I probably talk the least, but I swear she is telepathic, she can always call right at the right moment, it's her mom power.
2) My husband, Robert means more to me than I can ever explain. I will never be able to put into straight words what he means to me and to my life. I joked with him, when we first started dating, I had NOOOOOO intention of ever getting serious with him, I was just making friends. Then BOOM a year later we are married. Really funny thing, is that most of his family thought we were pregnant and that's why we wanted a speedy wedding. HAH! I still wonder how many of them really thought we were active!?! SOOO, between, my husband and my mom and sisters technically my heart should explode. Yet, there is still a little room for a kid in my life.
3) Myself, as much as I think about it and as much as I know I should sometimes quit trying stuff. I know that just giving up will get to me. I know that I am amazing and super duper smart and that I can do so much, but sometimes I have other things on my plate. Like going to school, right now it's a goo after thought and I think that I could do it one day, it just seems like I always have too much going on to even think about that as a feasible option. I need to just set it in stone and DO IT! But what do I go to school for...
4) My friends, you know who you are, and most of you don't even read my blogs, funny thing is I know that most of you won't read my blogs. But there are a select few that I would lay my life on the line for... seriously, once I reach that point of trust, it never goes away. One person that I love above all other friends is Amanda, if she called em tomorrow and said she really needed me to come back to Texas, I would be there in an instant. She knows that she can ask anything of me and it will be taken care of. She is a sister to me. My other friends might have to do a hairs worth of convincing to get me to come back at the drop of a hat! ;) I love my friends, they are what keep me sane and grounded.
I need to add one more thing to this list, but it's me having faith to take care of it.... my weight... I found out on Sunday, I have gained 15 POUNDS since I lost my job. Seriously, I was already overweight but now there is another 15 POUNDS! I need to seriously buckle down and start trying to lose... I know I am beautiful, I still get hit on by guys and stuff, but still... I never pictured in my mental image of me as fat, now with these 15 pounds, my mental image is HUGE! GEEZE... 15 POUNDS! So, I don't want to start a weight loss blog, but I am going to start a challenge, anyone that reads this and sees me eating unhealthy food, STOP ME! Remind me of my 15 POUNDS, and remind me that I need to lose weight. Don't stop me from eating just stop me from eating crap that will just make me gain weight again.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Day 10: Songs that you listen to in different moods...
I can say that i listen to TONS of music. I listen to music at any chance, seriously though. I love heavy beats... If I had to break it down by moods I couldn't even name songs there would be so many so I can just name types.
Sad: I listen to usually slower music, songs where the beat will mellow me out, generally softer rock where the melodies can take my mood along different paths: Incubus is a good one.
Mad: I listen to either the same kind of music as sad, unless it is a Deep anger, then I listen to HEAVY rock, the kind of rock that usually irritates me. if I had to pick a good reference, I would say: Distillers or As I Lay Dying.
Happy: I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE my happy music. Oh goodness the thought alone makes me happy. I love HUGE heavy beats, with a good drumma drumm drumm that I can shake my booty too, with lyrics that make me think about how FLY I am, and a rythm that shakes me to the core... I can't even think of a single general reference, Um, how about Black Eyed Peas... ooh yeah that's a good one.
Calm: I like soft but heavy beats where I can almost kinda trance out and not think about it anymore, I know the perfect reference... Imogen heap... Hide and seek is the most amazing thing that I know, it makes me smile and think back, it puts me into a calmer mood just thinking about it.
Nostalgic: Country, good ole country makes me happy, I listen to the older country that makes me think about all my time back home and it makes me think about growing up, crountry from the 90's reminds me of my mom waking us up, and I would go crawl into her bed while she showered and I would talk to her while she got ready, and I would just watch her and listen to her radio as it played country music, every morning it was 100.3 KILT. She woke up at 6 to the national anthem every morning. I don't know if she still does but it still makes me happy. Wynona, Reba, George, Clint.... all the good ones.
In Love: This is the best, this is the one that I love hte most, these are the ones that make me the happiest, these are the ones that make me think of Robert. These are the slow smooth rythms, the cool soft beats, the wild bass lines, and the ones that make me feel generally sexy... is that weird to say. lol. Let's say some Paula Cole...
Then there are all the moods inbetween, I can listen to heavy Rap to heavy metal, Classical instruments, to Classic Rock, Country to Foreign, I love and appreciate ALL music... any and all music.
I love the arts!!
Sad: I listen to usually slower music, songs where the beat will mellow me out, generally softer rock where the melodies can take my mood along different paths: Incubus is a good one.
Mad: I listen to either the same kind of music as sad, unless it is a Deep anger, then I listen to HEAVY rock, the kind of rock that usually irritates me. if I had to pick a good reference, I would say: Distillers or As I Lay Dying.
Happy: I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE my happy music. Oh goodness the thought alone makes me happy. I love HUGE heavy beats, with a good drumma drumm drumm that I can shake my booty too, with lyrics that make me think about how FLY I am, and a rythm that shakes me to the core... I can't even think of a single general reference, Um, how about Black Eyed Peas... ooh yeah that's a good one.
Calm: I like soft but heavy beats where I can almost kinda trance out and not think about it anymore, I know the perfect reference... Imogen heap... Hide and seek is the most amazing thing that I know, it makes me smile and think back, it puts me into a calmer mood just thinking about it.
Nostalgic: Country, good ole country makes me happy, I listen to the older country that makes me think about all my time back home and it makes me think about growing up, crountry from the 90's reminds me of my mom waking us up, and I would go crawl into her bed while she showered and I would talk to her while she got ready, and I would just watch her and listen to her radio as it played country music, every morning it was 100.3 KILT. She woke up at 6 to the national anthem every morning. I don't know if she still does but it still makes me happy. Wynona, Reba, George, Clint.... all the good ones.
In Love: This is the best, this is the one that I love hte most, these are the ones that make me the happiest, these are the ones that make me think of Robert. These are the slow smooth rythms, the cool soft beats, the wild bass lines, and the ones that make me feel generally sexy... is that weird to say. lol. Let's say some Paula Cole...
Then there are all the moods inbetween, I can listen to heavy Rap to heavy metal, Classical instruments, to Classic Rock, Country to Foreign, I love and appreciate ALL music... any and all music.
I love the arts!!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Day 9: Something I'm proud of in the last few days...
Um, I woke up this morning?
I know it sounds silly but there is nothing that I have done to make me proud in the last few days, there is nothing special that has been done at all.
Every day of the last few weeks has been spent doing the same dang thing... it's been wake up, get of Facebook, piddle around, walk the dog, feed the dog, pet the dog, eat something, think about dinner, get stuff out for dinner, and then make dinner. There have been very few variances, I went to the FHC library one day, I went to the real library one day, I sat around and watched movies one day, but nothing else.
I have been puttin in applications everywhere, it seems like someone would have called me back by now. I know that as soon as I get a job and become unavailable everyone is going to start calling me. Until then I just get to sit here waiting for that day. It's hard not having a job, I enjoy spending more time with my doggy, but dogs sleep for 16 hrs a day, he's a bum I bet he sleeps for 20! I guess I am proud that I haven't killed the cat, everyone knows I have had issues with her, well Robert more so than I have recently, but if my husband has a problem, I have a problem. So the cat... is enemy number 1! If I could just get her to stop whining in the morning and waking me up, or walking on us at all hours of the night. She's sharp as a tack. SERIOUSLY! She knows that Robert feeds her, she knows that he feeds her at a certain time in his morning, so when that time comes, even if it is a Saturday or Sunday she will come in and he will have to get up and feed her. SHE SUCKS! Then I feel bad because Robert will have trouble sleeping after that.
She's evil....
I haven't been proud of much recently, I'm proud of my husband, there have many days recently where he has been working overtime, A) cause we need the extra money and B) because his normal helper is out sick for the next 6 months and possibly longer :(
I guess it's better to say, that I have been proud of things, I just haven't been proud of myself, I'm in a funk and nothing seems good right now. I'm thinking it's a minor depression because I am always tired, and all I do is munch when I am awake. I know what you're thinking, and no I am not pregnant, and even if I was, it would be a few months before those things would hit me.
Wait, I am proud, I am proud of my sister, she is going through so much more than I am, and she's pregnant, and she is still positive, I am proud of her because a lesser person would be in a deep depression and she is making the best of everything. I know that they will come out on top and I can't wait for little Mary Noel or the boy name she told me about from her husband's side of the family... whatever that is... I just can't wait for another kid in the family. I'm proud of my other sister, she was down and out for awhile, and now she has a good job, she's in school, and she has a great guy. Her life is looking really up. I am so proud of her for overcoming all of her obstacles and still being herself. My sisters make me happy all the time just thinking about them. Then there's my mom, I'm proud of her most of all, she doesn't whine when she doesn't hear from her daughters for a month, she is all trusting and all knowing. It seems that she knows just when to call, and when she does call she knows just what to say to help us. I am proud of my mom for being the strongest person I will ever know. My sisters and I have done some pretty messed up stuff in our day... yet she is still there and she still loves us. I know she will never read this but I love her most of all....
I miss my family.
I know it sounds silly but there is nothing that I have done to make me proud in the last few days, there is nothing special that has been done at all.
Every day of the last few weeks has been spent doing the same dang thing... it's been wake up, get of Facebook, piddle around, walk the dog, feed the dog, pet the dog, eat something, think about dinner, get stuff out for dinner, and then make dinner. There have been very few variances, I went to the FHC library one day, I went to the real library one day, I sat around and watched movies one day, but nothing else.
I have been puttin in applications everywhere, it seems like someone would have called me back by now. I know that as soon as I get a job and become unavailable everyone is going to start calling me. Until then I just get to sit here waiting for that day. It's hard not having a job, I enjoy spending more time with my doggy, but dogs sleep for 16 hrs a day, he's a bum I bet he sleeps for 20! I guess I am proud that I haven't killed the cat, everyone knows I have had issues with her, well Robert more so than I have recently, but if my husband has a problem, I have a problem. So the cat... is enemy number 1! If I could just get her to stop whining in the morning and waking me up, or walking on us at all hours of the night. She's sharp as a tack. SERIOUSLY! She knows that Robert feeds her, she knows that he feeds her at a certain time in his morning, so when that time comes, even if it is a Saturday or Sunday she will come in and he will have to get up and feed her. SHE SUCKS! Then I feel bad because Robert will have trouble sleeping after that.
She's evil....
I haven't been proud of much recently, I'm proud of my husband, there have many days recently where he has been working overtime, A) cause we need the extra money and B) because his normal helper is out sick for the next 6 months and possibly longer :(
I guess it's better to say, that I have been proud of things, I just haven't been proud of myself, I'm in a funk and nothing seems good right now. I'm thinking it's a minor depression because I am always tired, and all I do is munch when I am awake. I know what you're thinking, and no I am not pregnant, and even if I was, it would be a few months before those things would hit me.
Wait, I am proud, I am proud of my sister, she is going through so much more than I am, and she's pregnant, and she is still positive, I am proud of her because a lesser person would be in a deep depression and she is making the best of everything. I know that they will come out on top and I can't wait for little Mary Noel or the boy name she told me about from her husband's side of the family... whatever that is... I just can't wait for another kid in the family. I'm proud of my other sister, she was down and out for awhile, and now she has a good job, she's in school, and she has a great guy. Her life is looking really up. I am so proud of her for overcoming all of her obstacles and still being herself. My sisters make me happy all the time just thinking about them. Then there's my mom, I'm proud of her most of all, she doesn't whine when she doesn't hear from her daughters for a month, she is all trusting and all knowing. It seems that she knows just when to call, and when she does call she knows just what to say to help us. I am proud of my mom for being the strongest person I will ever know. My sisters and I have done some pretty messed up stuff in our day... yet she is still there and she still loves us. I know she will never read this but I love her most of all....
I miss my family.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Day 8: Short term goals for this month and why
Goals... I don't really make those, I hope to just make it out alive and in love. If I had to make some up, they would border on:
1. Find a SUPER cool present for my hubsters, his birthday is on the 15th, I know that's only 6 days to find one... ugh... I am so lost on this topic, I don't even know where to start with the man that gets whatever he wants. Any suggestions!?!
2.Use my valentine's day gift even if it kills me, story time, Robert told me he got me a present already, and I didn't believe him, well he toldme it was hidden at the house, so calling his bluff, I told him I found it, I was smart I waited 2 days before I told him. Apparently he believed me and now he just left it out in the open for me to find. I feel ABSOLUTELY terrible, because he knows I like surprises and I feel like I let him down... SOOO now I have to use it NO MATTER WHAT!
3. Lose some weight using my valentine's day gift, which is Zumba FItness for the Kinect, Again HONEY I'M SORRY FOR BLUFFING YOU! Apparently I am a better liar than I thought! ARGH! (this just increases the pressure for an amazing gift for his birthday! :( )
4.Find Florence Obedience, I know this might not make sense to some, but I have been doing a lot of genealogy work and on my mom's side we have lines that go back to the 1100's on my dad's side, it stops at my great grandparents on my papa's side, and it goes for a bit on my grandma's but I need to find Florence Obedience, I already found my greatgrandfather I am just delving into wether the one I Found is the right one, I have to say though that the evidence is pointing to me being correct.
5.FIND A JOB! I kinda like being out of work, sorta... I don't like not having stuff to do, and this blog really only supplements like 20 minutes of my time so I have another 16 hours to fill, normally I do well tailing Robert and fishing for how his day was and that's my evening, so there takes off about 6 hours.. so for 10 hours I have to entertain myself, NOT COOL! I don't do well with that, I am not as interesting as some of you think, in fact, one day I spent 6 of those hours on facebook... again NOT COOL! I don't know how I did it, I was probably facebook stalking YOU! That makes you obviously more interesting than I am .
6.Complete this challenge, I just hope that I don't lose interest in it, some of the questions are kinda cool, other's not so much, but hey they work and they get you thinking. So.... Is 6 enough, I could think of some really short term goals.
7. Shower
8.Cook dinner at some point
9.Visit with Tina (maybe if she's not busy already)
10. Make invitations for Tina's baby shower.... Argh... gotta go get paper!
Do the last 4 count? Oh well...
1. Find a SUPER cool present for my hubsters, his birthday is on the 15th, I know that's only 6 days to find one... ugh... I am so lost on this topic, I don't even know where to start with the man that gets whatever he wants. Any suggestions!?!
2.Use my valentine's day gift even if it kills me, story time, Robert told me he got me a present already, and I didn't believe him, well he toldme it was hidden at the house, so calling his bluff, I told him I found it, I was smart I waited 2 days before I told him. Apparently he believed me and now he just left it out in the open for me to find. I feel ABSOLUTELY terrible, because he knows I like surprises and I feel like I let him down... SOOO now I have to use it NO MATTER WHAT!
3. Lose some weight using my valentine's day gift, which is Zumba FItness for the Kinect, Again HONEY I'M SORRY FOR BLUFFING YOU! Apparently I am a better liar than I thought! ARGH! (this just increases the pressure for an amazing gift for his birthday! :( )
4.Find Florence Obedience, I know this might not make sense to some, but I have been doing a lot of genealogy work and on my mom's side we have lines that go back to the 1100's on my dad's side, it stops at my great grandparents on my papa's side, and it goes for a bit on my grandma's but I need to find Florence Obedience, I already found my greatgrandfather I am just delving into wether the one I Found is the right one, I have to say though that the evidence is pointing to me being correct.
5.FIND A JOB! I kinda like being out of work, sorta... I don't like not having stuff to do, and this blog really only supplements like 20 minutes of my time so I have another 16 hours to fill, normally I do well tailing Robert and fishing for how his day was and that's my evening, so there takes off about 6 hours.. so for 10 hours I have to entertain myself, NOT COOL! I don't do well with that, I am not as interesting as some of you think, in fact, one day I spent 6 of those hours on facebook... again NOT COOL! I don't know how I did it, I was probably facebook stalking YOU! That makes you obviously more interesting than I am .
6.Complete this challenge, I just hope that I don't lose interest in it, some of the questions are kinda cool, other's not so much, but hey they work and they get you thinking. So.... Is 6 enough, I could think of some really short term goals.
7. Shower
8.Cook dinner at some point
9.Visit with Tina (maybe if she's not busy already)
10. Make invitations for Tina's baby shower.... Argh... gotta go get paper!
Do the last 4 count? Oh well...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Day 7: a picture of someone or something that has the biggest impact on you...
I think you guys are getting the hint that I don't have just one... there is always more than just one with everything I do. So, this is the easiest solution..
Then this brings to mind a poem, I read A LOT in high school... this was a regular, I printed it and would use it as a bookmark and when I got tired of reading I would read this then go back to reading...
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
This poem is called Alone, by Maya Angelou, I discovered her in 6th grade and she was a regular addition to my reading since then. I love her work and some make my cry and some make me laugh and some make me change my life around.
I liked how they put faith first on the plaque, that is my life, when I finally put the Lord first, and let him lead instead of trying to be one step ahead, there was a release of burden. Instead of wanting change now and wanting everything now, I learned that everything comes with time. I was in a REALLY bad place in my life when I came to South Carolina, nobody may have known it but I was so depressed... life wasn't fun or even worth it anymore... I just coasted day to day not caring if I would make it to the next. Then I came here, and I met some friends of my sisters, and once I finally listened to what they were saying, really listened... it changed my life. I became genuinely happy, and I enjoy waking up every day now, life just seems better.
Then this brings to mind a poem, I read A LOT in high school... this was a regular, I printed it and would use it as a bookmark and when I got tired of reading I would read this then go back to reading...
Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.
Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.
This poem is called Alone, by Maya Angelou, I discovered her in 6th grade and she was a regular addition to my reading since then. I love her work and some make my cry and some make me laugh and some make me change my life around.
I liked how they put faith first on the plaque, that is my life, when I finally put the Lord first, and let him lead instead of trying to be one step ahead, there was a release of burden. Instead of wanting change now and wanting everything now, I learned that everything comes with time. I was in a REALLY bad place in my life when I came to South Carolina, nobody may have known it but I was so depressed... life wasn't fun or even worth it anymore... I just coasted day to day not caring if I would make it to the next. Then I came here, and I met some friends of my sisters, and once I finally listened to what they were saying, really listened... it changed my life. I became genuinely happy, and I enjoy waking up every day now, life just seems better.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Day 6... ON DAY 6 is this a good thing ;)
Day 6: My favorite superhero and why.
Jeeze... I don't think I actually have one, does Peter Petrelli count? If you have to google him then I guess not, if you don't then you're probably a Syler fan. Either way, not sure he counts...
This is going to be my shortest blog ever... Peter Petrelli... cause he's kinda cute, even though his weird talk out of the side of his mouth thing he does freaks me out...
Jeeze... I don't think I actually have one, does Peter Petrelli count? If you have to google him then I guess not, if you don't then you're probably a Syler fan. Either way, not sure he counts...
This is going to be my shortest blog ever... Peter Petrelli... cause he's kinda cute, even though his weird talk out of the side of his mouth thing he does freaks me out...
The Blog formerly knows as: Day 4: I'm on top of the game! (Also day 5)
Obviously this is day 6 and I haven't even posted day 4 or 5... do I sense a trend coming?!?
Don't worry this whole working ahead of schedule won't last... or I could just do all 30 days and save them as drafts then on the right days just publish them... that's a thought... Hmm... something to consider!
Day 4: A habit I wish I didn't have.
Oh gosh! I could do a top 10 habits I wish I didn't have...
...straightening up the shelves when I go through the grocery store...
...popping my toes just cause I can...
...picking my nose anytime I feel like any air is getting blocked...
...skipping songs in the car even when I like it, just to hear what's next...
... wiggling my toes cause I don't like to sit still...
...checking the door or checking that my husband did it, can't stand the thought that it's unlocked...
...having buyers remorse after buying ANYTHING, although I don't know if that counts as a habit...
...checking twice to make sure the phone call was ended...
... eating just cause it's there and it sounds good...
...cleaning my nails anytime I'm nervous...
...staring off into space cause I like the way it feels on my eyeballs...
then again these are some of the few things that get me through my day, so maybe I shouldn't stop doing them, it makes my day go faster! Seriously I do wish I could stop wiggling my toes, but it's like the energy gets built up and if I don't move somewhere the energy is going to burst out of me, weird thing is if I sit still too long I start to get a little nauseaus, or if I focus on something too hard it makes me nauseaus... you should have seen me trying to thread needles, especially if it was the end of a particularly bad day, I would have to get someone else to thread it because I couldn't physically do it without wanting to throw up... gosh I'm weird...
Oh well, day 4 done! Let's see if day 5 is on time!
Day 5: A picture of somewhere you've been to (is this correct grammatics? It's how the website worded it...)
The temple has been weighing heavily on my mind recently, not sure why but I feel as though I am being pulled to go. It's been almost a year. I know, I never thought I would be one of those people that only went for my own sessions and never went back. My old bishop even told me this happens to people. I can't complain cause it's not that far away, I just know that I need to go back. When I went through for my sessions it was such a blur, I don't remember much. I think we may try and go at some point in one of the next few weekends. Maybe that will be what we do for Robert's free day off... sounds good to me! Just gotta get everything set up, and people that can go, and want to go, let me know, I will totally include you guys in our trip, the more the merrier! I <3 the temple!
I was going to put a picture of Texas, that's also been weighing on my mind a lot, I just know I need to get my priorities straighter... put the Lord's needs before my own... I think I want to make a plaque that says that. Oh well... maybe I can find something to post for day 6, it's a hard day for me...
Don't worry this whole working ahead of schedule won't last... or I could just do all 30 days and save them as drafts then on the right days just publish them... that's a thought... Hmm... something to consider!
Day 4: A habit I wish I didn't have.
Oh gosh! I could do a top 10 habits I wish I didn't have...
...straightening up the shelves when I go through the grocery store...
...popping my toes just cause I can...
...picking my nose anytime I feel like any air is getting blocked...
...skipping songs in the car even when I like it, just to hear what's next...
... wiggling my toes cause I don't like to sit still...
...checking the door or checking that my husband did it, can't stand the thought that it's unlocked...
...having buyers remorse after buying ANYTHING, although I don't know if that counts as a habit...
...checking twice to make sure the phone call was ended...
... eating just cause it's there and it sounds good...
...cleaning my nails anytime I'm nervous...
...staring off into space cause I like the way it feels on my eyeballs...
then again these are some of the few things that get me through my day, so maybe I shouldn't stop doing them, it makes my day go faster! Seriously I do wish I could stop wiggling my toes, but it's like the energy gets built up and if I don't move somewhere the energy is going to burst out of me, weird thing is if I sit still too long I start to get a little nauseaus, or if I focus on something too hard it makes me nauseaus... you should have seen me trying to thread needles, especially if it was the end of a particularly bad day, I would have to get someone else to thread it because I couldn't physically do it without wanting to throw up... gosh I'm weird...
Oh well, day 4 done! Let's see if day 5 is on time!
Day 5: A picture of somewhere you've been to (is this correct grammatics? It's how the website worded it...)
I was going to put a picture of Texas, that's also been weighing on my mind a lot, I just know I need to get my priorities straighter... put the Lord's needs before my own... I think I want to make a plaque that says that. Oh well... maybe I can find something to post for day 6, it's a hard day for me...
Friday, February 4, 2011
Already a fail... days 2 and 3
HA HA HA! This is so the story of my life, I already failed the 30 day challenge! HA! Ok, so I am gonna cheat a little and combine days 2 and 3 together... I think it will still work and it will get me caught up!
Day 2: The meaning behind my blog name...
So, ugh the meaning behind my name... do I really have enough time to get through it and would you really understand if I did?!?
I usually chalk up my thoughts to random ramblings and everyone used to tell me I lost my mind, or as my mom would put it, you have to ahve one in the first place! But this blog is actually a random analysis of my brain... I was raised with an ADD dad and two ADD sisters although we were never really diagnosed, we could sit at the table for hours, literally HOURS, we were in 4th-8th grades and we would sit with my dad and for HOURS into the night he and we could ramble for every about everything, it could cover politics, to 4 storke engines, to the progression of cars, to the progressive movements over seas... and everything could be tied back to something so whether we started with the civil war and ended on how swimming pool chemicals really worked we could tell you exactly how everything fit together, and I still have that thought process, you say one thing and I have already analyzed it and turned it into a file to be set in my brain, it's where I take the thought that scares most people. The phrase I love hearing from Robert is, "Where did that come from?" My response is do you really want to know, and if I get a no then I leave it alone if I get a yes I actually drop into each thought and explain to him exactly how my thought process works and his usual response is, "Wow, baby, you think way too much!" I just nod and shake my head... perfect example of this is from awhile back... and well... I'm not sure how many people wanna know the whole story but I don't want to offend anyone because it is of a sexual aspect, sorta. But it stemmed to me saying that I knew how John Wayne really died... Yeah... my brain is broken sometimes! :D But that's where my name comes from, it is my crazy ramblings from a girl who is well on her way to losing her mind!
Day 3: A pic of your friends...
So seriously this is just how OCD I am... it is in alphabetical order... and for those of you who may look at the picture after Cameron and see me... no I didn't put it in the wrong order, I am looking up towards God... wait I should have put it in a different spot, I was thinking Christ... oh well... you get the hint. Also, $ I didn't put your picture in the wrong spot, I had you saved as Truman... that's why it's after Tina... :D just so you know.
Also these are the people that popped in my head when I realized I didn't have any pics of all my friends and there are so many more I can't even name. These are just the people I have talked to in the past 2-3 days. So deal with it! :P Anyways, here it goes, and kudos if you can name everyone, I doubt anyone can!
Some of these people I pine to see more... like literally my body aches with desire to see you more... my sisters and my friends back home... it feel like forever since I have gotten to see you or hold you or just laugh with you... my friends here that I don't see enough... well there's nothing I can say to that other than, we need to get together more. I <3 my friends, seriously though.
Dang 2 hours and I have to do day 4... I guess I better get started on that too! HA!
Day 2: The meaning behind my blog name...
So, ugh the meaning behind my name... do I really have enough time to get through it and would you really understand if I did?!?
I usually chalk up my thoughts to random ramblings and everyone used to tell me I lost my mind, or as my mom would put it, you have to ahve one in the first place! But this blog is actually a random analysis of my brain... I was raised with an ADD dad and two ADD sisters although we were never really diagnosed, we could sit at the table for hours, literally HOURS, we were in 4th-8th grades and we would sit with my dad and for HOURS into the night he and we could ramble for every about everything, it could cover politics, to 4 storke engines, to the progression of cars, to the progressive movements over seas... and everything could be tied back to something so whether we started with the civil war and ended on how swimming pool chemicals really worked we could tell you exactly how everything fit together, and I still have that thought process, you say one thing and I have already analyzed it and turned it into a file to be set in my brain, it's where I take the thought that scares most people. The phrase I love hearing from Robert is, "Where did that come from?" My response is do you really want to know, and if I get a no then I leave it alone if I get a yes I actually drop into each thought and explain to him exactly how my thought process works and his usual response is, "Wow, baby, you think way too much!" I just nod and shake my head... perfect example of this is from awhile back... and well... I'm not sure how many people wanna know the whole story but I don't want to offend anyone because it is of a sexual aspect, sorta. But it stemmed to me saying that I knew how John Wayne really died... Yeah... my brain is broken sometimes! :D But that's where my name comes from, it is my crazy ramblings from a girl who is well on her way to losing her mind!
Day 3: A pic of your friends...
So seriously this is just how OCD I am... it is in alphabetical order... and for those of you who may look at the picture after Cameron and see me... no I didn't put it in the wrong order, I am looking up towards God... wait I should have put it in a different spot, I was thinking Christ... oh well... you get the hint. Also, $ I didn't put your picture in the wrong spot, I had you saved as Truman... that's why it's after Tina... :D just so you know.
Also these are the people that popped in my head when I realized I didn't have any pics of all my friends and there are so many more I can't even name. These are just the people I have talked to in the past 2-3 days. So deal with it! :P Anyways, here it goes, and kudos if you can name everyone, I doubt anyone can!
Some of these people I pine to see more... like literally my body aches with desire to see you more... my sisters and my friends back home... it feel like forever since I have gotten to see you or hold you or just laugh with you... my friends here that I don't see enough... well there's nothing I can say to that other than, we need to get together more. I <3 my friends, seriously though.
Dang 2 hours and I have to do day 4... I guess I better get started on that too! HA!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
This is the first day of the thirty day challenge...
I read it on a friend's blog and she challenged all of us to do it, so I figured I would give it a go. I do have to say that this is going to be kinda awkward to do since I usually forget to blog, but it should be productive since I don't have anything better to do...
1. I took 4 pictures before I decided to just go with one I already had.
2. I am in love with indie films and generally watch thema billion times!
3. I think I am a little OCD, hence the fact that I had to go through and first put all the numbers, followed by periods and then one space...
4. I don't like being alone, and when I am alone I have to have noise otherwise my imagination will kill me and I will start hearing noises and seeing shadows, and just generally freak myself out enough that I have to pack up the animals and leave until someone gets home... there is sometimes some sporadic crying mixed in there also!
5. I get motion sick really fast and really bad, thus the reason I have never been on an airplane, big boat, train, roller coaster, or any other really fast thing that jerks around.
6. I love my husband, like seriously really love him, he lights up my world and I get giddy every time he comes home and I like to make him happy so I cook for him all the time and try and take care of him... and I feel like I sound like a sick puppy, HAH!
7. I feel a lot of guilt, like all the time, if it's not one thing it's another, like for not talking to people as much as I should, then for not finishing stuff I start, and then for not knowing stuff I should.... it really gets to me sometimes....
8. I stare at myself a lot, really really stare, like I could just stare myself down for hours, my dad used to get onto me for just staring at my self, called it narcissism but it's not like I stare at myself and think, "OOH, I'm so hot!" I just stare, with a blank mind, blank eyes, not really looking at myself just STARING!
9. I feel like I don't have many friends, I feel like the friends I do have are good ones, but I don't have many at all. It is so weird because I don't have trouble making friends, I just think I don't try at all.
10. I have a weird fear of disappointing people, like a big fear of it, I think that's where most of my guilt comes from, it's weird though because I don't think people have that big of an expectation from me... it's my own standards... maybe I am worried I disappoint myself.
11. I think so much sometimes that it keeps me up, it's a random ellipse of thoughts that keeps me from doing anything, my thoughts are usually pointless but they just keep coming and don't ever want to stop. The thought turn into sounds and the sounds keep me up for HOURS, I think it worries Robert sometimes.
12. I think the last interesting fact makes me sound a little crazy, like maybe that is the kinda comment that changes people's percetion of me.
13. I have a weird fear of people, all kinds of people, it's mostly my own predisposition towards people, but it's weird, it's mostly dirty people or people with certain styles, I am nervous around hobo's... and I am nervous around gangster people... and I am nervous when it's only me and one other person in a place... I am nervous when people stare... I am nervous when people corner me...
14. I have an obsession with old movies and I kinda wish I were born in the fifties or forties... I kinda wish I could just live in the simpler times like when life was easier and calmer.
15. I think dead things are creepy, perfect example, Robert had a fish die and it was the day after we bought it, so we were taking it back to the pet store and on the way, he decided to take the baggie that contained the fish and put it in my lap... of course I screamed and threw it where ever I could. He just laughed... My sisters used to chase me with dead bugs and cockroaches... it just freaks me out.
It took me almost an hour and a half to write this... hope you find it interesting!
S
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
My reality...
So I haven't made it well known, and I am sure that most of you guys are going to say, WOW she blogged twice in 2 days. I really kinda want to make this a regular thing, even though I have said it before. Anyways, back to the beginning is, so I haven't made it well known, and it's still not "finalized" but I am pretty sure that I don't have a job at the Navy Exchange anymore. life has been crazy hard and I can't really go into details as to why I don't, but I still haven't gotten a call back. It's been a week and 2 days since I was put on a "suspension" and I haven't heard anything. I am really sad because I devoted A LOT of blood sweat and tears into that place and they made cast me away. It's so hard. I loved my job, as much as I complained, I loved coming in and seeing the people and talking about their kids, and their pasts. I'm not just talking about the employees. I had some real connection at that store, some of the customers would come over to my counter and cry to me, and tell me what was going on with their kids. Some would come over just to tell me how work was over night. Some just came to see me smile and listen to whatever they had to say. I am extremely customer oriented and i know this, maybe my main problem is becoming too involved with the customers, they are the hardest to not get to see anymore. I made some real friends and I made some real connections. I don't want to lose them.
I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.
As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...
One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...
Life is funny that way.
I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.
As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...
One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...
Life is funny that way.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My pride found me at church today....
Today, Relief society, UGH.... pride and realizations are an ugly thing.
Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.
When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.
I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...
I complain instead of fixing things.
Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.
I realized that I found ME at church.
When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.
I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...
I will try to get over my pride...
I will try to find similarities...
I will try to be more Christ like...
I will try to make more friends.
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