Life has been hard....

It hasn't been 7 months for nothing, the thing is, life hasn't been so hard the past 6 months. It has bee the remaining month that has been hard. Life seems like it is at a turning point for me and I don't know if it is turning for the better. Both cars are going to crap, well one is already there since I wrecked it, work is not satisfying, I feel like I am left out by my friends and school is not living up to my expectations either. I haven't been able to go to church much recently and I feel like I am letting my family down just by existing and the thought of not existing hurts too much to think about. I might not be able to go to Texas for Christmas and I don't know how to explain it to my family, money is tight, like really really tight. We are barely making ends meet.

 I love my husband he is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the morning and go on with my day. Without him I think I would not be able to function, he is my foundation.

The shake in my hands has gotten worse with the stress and I can't wait to get pregnant. It's sad to say but I don't think I will ever get pregnant. Not that I am trying to complain or look for pity from somewhere I genuinely think there is something wrong with me and i won't be able to conceive. The doctor says, lose 50 pounds and we will try hormone therapy, no doctor has ever told me to lose weight. I know that I am larger but I have never truly had issues with my body until then. Now I look in the mirror and all I think is 50 pounds.... 50 pounds.... 50 pounds. It's been almost 2 months and I haven't lost a single pound, I am scared of trying, what if I can't, what if losing the weight makes me different. I am just so tired all of the time. I want to rest and not hurt. I hurt so much, my shoulders and back and feet are always in pain.

Life has just been hard especially these last 2 weeks.