:) You're eye....

It's not the way you smile at me, 

It's not the was you say my name,

It's just something in your eyes that reminds me of a day...

reminds me of a day when we first met,

reminds me of a day that we first kissed,

reminds me of a day when I fell.

reminds me o the day when I first missed...

your smile your kiss, my wish your lips.

Tomorrows a day that will never come,

and today is ending too soon.

I can't wait to be in your room.

in your thought and in your dreams,

sad dreams and happy ones too,

reminds me of the day I first saw you.

reminds me of a daw when we first met,

reminds me of the day that we first kissed,

reminds me of the day when I fell,

reminds me of the day when I first missed...

your smile you kiss, my wish your lips.

This time it's my smile. My simple little grin,

I'm forgetting everything I knew before,

I'm forgetting that you walked out my door,

I'm forgetting how sweet you smell,

I'm forgetting you smile so sly,

but there's still something in your eye...

reminds me of a day when we first met,

reminds me of the day that we first kissed,

reminds me of the day when I fell,

reminds me of the day when I first missed...

your smile your kiss, my wish your lips.

As much as I forget, your eyes still remind me....

From top to bottom....

It's kinda amazing, just how fast you can go from the top to the bottom, not missing hitting a peg in between. I always seem to go from friends, to feelings, to best friend. I can't ever seem to fit in between there. What is it about me that makes me such a good friend, and not even coming close to relationship material? I am slightly aggravated that I have let myself fall into this again. Not that I haven't been here before but just that I am stuck here now. I will always be here. Once the feelings are here I know that I am stuck. It seems that I can't ever get past this. I like to be the one that people can turn to but does it have to hurt this much when I realize that I can't turn to someone. I know that I have the friends that I will love forever, and I could call any one of them and if I really needed them to they would fly out here in a heart beat, or they would let me come over and stay with them. I just can't stand the fact that I can't find someone more than just a friend. Maybe I just come on too strong. Maybe I am too forward. Maybe I am too blunt. Maybe I am too honest. Maybe I am too open. Maybe it's everything about me.... it's just me top to bottom.

I talked to Shawn.....

Zone conference!

So I was asked the other day to give my testimony at Zone conference, little did I know I was going to be the only one to show up. It was kinda crazy, when we walked in the chapel, MB, Jorden, and I... there were quite a few handshakes and waves from everyone that knew us. Apparently they had changed the plans since no one showed up, well when I got there, they set it back up for just me. I was terrified. Everyone told me that I did great, and I am sure I did. I was just terrified. It was fun though, I felt special when Heapsey told me that I was a quote in his preach my gospel book... and apparently President McConkie was impressed enough that he was talking about it for awhile, and he was also quoting me through out the conference. I felt special when I heard that. I made sure and told Truman how special he was to me, and how much he and Konesky meant to me. I will never forget them EVER!! I can still remember the fear I felt. Maybe I will go ahead and do my testimony again in three weeks and try and shake a little more out. I can't wait. It was kinda invigorating!

Have you ever....

just had one of those conversations where you told someone something you never thought you would, and as you wait for a reaction you don't get one. I can't help but wonder if I said the wrong thing. I don't know what kind of response I was looking for but something is better than what I got. Anyways...

I can't wait for May, I just want to keep my self calmed down. A friend will be coming with me to Texas, and I think I am going to visit with them in California after. I can't wait to see him. Yeah, it is so freakin awesome that he is going to come meet my family and hang out with me! YEAH!!! 

Side note, I just listened to an awesome song.... Ok, here's the truth by Javier. It was not at all what I was expecting and it is insane.... everyone should listen to it. Listen to the whole thing.  Ok... off for now!

S

Just in a bad mood!

So I seem to have fallen into a funk. I am becoming obsessed with love and the concept of it. This is the loneliest i have felt in four years and i just have to have strength and faith that God will bring me out of this. I kinda worry/wonder if it isn't me just trying to force something with someone. I am still trying the concept of walking in faith and walking in his image. I have been trying so hard, and it seems that every time I get a little ahead I get right back behind. I think it is that time of the month where I just break down and cry but I don't want to. I have nothing to cry about, life is going rather well and everything that has been going on has pretty well been brought on by me. At the same time I don't want to feel like I don't deserve better, but I still have to wonder if I deserve anything at all. It all started with a text from an ex... and it blossomed from there. He actually asked if I saw us getting back together. He said he would change all the bad stuff and change his ways. I just have to remember what it said... what it meant... and  how I felt when I got it. In my heart I want him back so bad but I think it is more so just to fill the lonely. I just need faith, I need help, I need to be more faithful and I need to try harder to be more righteous. I have been doing well... three days and counting....

So I talked to him last night for like 2 hours, of course an hour of it was MB upstairs terrorizing me.... but it's cool it was fun.... I felt like we were young again. I know that 22 isn't old but it sure isn't young. I just want to feel alive and whole.... Sorry to vent about my mood. I can't seem to get happy tonight.... I might just take myself up on the offer of the cry....

S