Where does my happiness fit in?

So, as I have been under alot of stress and been running my poor little brain a mile a minute, I have come to one conclusion. I really think of other people way too much. Now don't  get me wrong I am not trying to say that I am some Mother Theresa and I never think about myself cause I do. I think about myself alot and I do what I want alot. But it seems on the important things where I should really think about myself, it's just not happening.

I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D

Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.

Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.

Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.

Stephie

Snow... snow.... snow....

So I realized the best time to ever surprise me, do it when I am experiencing something I have never experienced before. It snowed tonight and it is still snowing. It is insane how much it is snowing outside. I can't wait until the morning so I can see what the snow really looks like. I had a blast having a snowball fight with everyone, it was so much fun just rolling around in the snow and playing. Neil (I think) got me a good one in the face and i had snow shot straight up my nose. That was a horrible feeling but I Loved every minute of it.

Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...

S

Holiday...

So I have been going through alot of crap recently, life just seems like it's not going to get easier. Tolerance and appreciation is running thin. I am having trouble seeing through the fog a little and I have to make some decisions soon that are going to affect my whole life. These are decisions that are way bigger than I am. Life is just not going as smooth as I would hope. I do have a few things that are going well though, like MB and I haven't really fought in awhile. That is a BIG plus for us, and work is kinda straightening itself out. Faye put in her two weeks then pulled it like 2 days later so I know that means Marci isn't going to be getting rid of me any time soon just cause she knows that Faye might just do it again.

I heard this song this morning and I knew that the words were ringing true for me, and I know that this is going to be my theme song for the next few months cause I don't see them getting any easier. I just have my priorities set at, question, answer, conversation, decision, and follow through. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just use a flow chart of life to make all of our decisions. Where we had the time to write pros and cons and do comparisons and figure out and micro manage our own lives. Wouldn't it be easier if we knew the future.... if only...

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.

Don't bother to pack your bags
Or your map.
We won't need them where we're goin'.
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay.

We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse. (On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our (Sheltered in his Bivouac)
Friends and family in free verse. (On this road we'll never die.)

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.