Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
My reality...
So I haven't made it well known, and I am sure that most of you guys are going to say, WOW she blogged twice in 2 days. I really kinda want to make this a regular thing, even though I have said it before. Anyways, back to the beginning is, so I haven't made it well known, and it's still not "finalized" but I am pretty sure that I don't have a job at the Navy Exchange anymore. life has been crazy hard and I can't really go into details as to why I don't, but I still haven't gotten a call back. It's been a week and 2 days since I was put on a "suspension" and I haven't heard anything. I am really sad because I devoted A LOT of blood sweat and tears into that place and they made cast me away. It's so hard. I loved my job, as much as I complained, I loved coming in and seeing the people and talking about their kids, and their pasts. I'm not just talking about the employees. I had some real connection at that store, some of the customers would come over to my counter and cry to me, and tell me what was going on with their kids. Some would come over just to tell me how work was over night. Some just came to see me smile and listen to whatever they had to say. I am extremely customer oriented and i know this, maybe my main problem is becoming too involved with the customers, they are the hardest to not get to see anymore. I made some real friends and I made some real connections. I don't want to lose them.
I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.
As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...
One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...
Life is funny that way.
I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.
As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...
One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...
Life is funny that way.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My pride found me at church today....
Today, Relief society, UGH.... pride and realizations are an ugly thing.
Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.
When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.
I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...
I complain instead of fixing things.
Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.
I realized that I found ME at church.
When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.
I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...
I will try to get over my pride...
I will try to find similarities...
I will try to be more Christ like...
I will try to make more friends.
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