A Rock and Hard Place...

So I feel like life is getting harder, it seems like I am seriously being put between a rock and a hard place. I want to go see my family in Texas, I dream about it and think about it with every fiber of my being. Robert has finally conceded to going with me, that was a WHOLE different story... but I digress, and now that I am ready the money is just not here. My sister wants to do a baby shower in May in Texas, I can't afford to go. They said my mom would buy me a ticket, anyone that knows me knows that I HATE GIFTS! I especially hate the ones that make me feel like I am indebted to them. I don't want people to feel obligated to buy me gifts. If someone wants to just get me something small that they saw and it reminded them of me, I am fine with that, but Christmas and Birthday's make me EXCEEDINGLY uncomfortable. Anyways, they said my mom would buy me a ticket, Wanda said she wants me to come because she has news, obviously I am not high enough on her totem pole to inform immediately of important news, I have to wait until she is ready. Yet I am sure all the rest of my family knows. I feel like these 2000 miles is really 200,000 miles just because there is more than just a spatial gap, there is an emotional gap, that destroys me!

I miss my family so much it just seems like money is ALWAYS tight. I think that in October if we haven't been to see my family yet, we are most definitely going to Texas instead of Orlando. I feel like that going to Texas is WAY more important than going to a stupid theme park where I can't do anything except walk around and spend money. Even if we did end up going to Orlando I think I would be miserable the whole time... but does that matter to his family!?! NO! All that matters is that his side of the family is having fun, it's just something else that makes me feel like I don't belong. Every single person in his family knows that I get motion sick... yet, they still decided to go to an amusement park for the "family reunion"

I know that this blog post is extremely negative, it just seems like I am in a bad place tonight. I want to just sleep... I want to sleep long and hard and not go to church tomorrow. That is another thing that is bothering me... why don't I have a calling in church!?! Every other person in the church has a calling, EXCEPT me, it has been almost a year... Oh well, that is enough complaining to a white screen that no one will read.