It really has been a long time since I have seen this blog, I want to keep up with it more often but I know that I probably won't have the time or memory.
I want to more than anything just find a way to keep my memories so that I won't lose them as I get older. Update today: I have the flu, I feel like I am dying. Seriously though, I hope I am not though I would be very sad to lose my husband.
I can say that these last few months I have had some baby fever and I am kinda looking forward to getting pregnant. I do have to say that my last cycle that I am going through has been a little rough but I think it will get more regular as they come. I did take a fertility test and it came back normal so I shouldn't hjave trouble and hopefully within these next few months i will be with child. I think that would be amazing.
Christmas was fun, and so was Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving we spent the day at Robert's parents house. The food was SOOOO good. The only thing that sucked was that the night before Robert and I worked for 18 hours at the NEX getting it ready for Black Friday. Christmas was fun, Robert and I shared our presents before the actual Christmas day and so when we woke up it was a time for just us. Robert played his video games as I watched. Then I napped and we went to Jeff and Felicia's for dinner. The food was AMAZING!! I seem to have an affinity for good food. lol
Other than that, work is still work and life is still life. I thought Marriage would be harder than this, it is just like living with my best friend. Conversation and life isn't hard, we just go day to day and live in bliss.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Whispered Dreams....
So I am having trouble accessing sleep tonight. I don't know why. I don't think it's because of stress... I don't feel stressed. I don't think it's because of too much sleep... I haven't been sleeping much as it is. I don't think it's because of too much excitement... life is pretty mundane right now. I think it is my dreams... I don't want to have my dreams and I don't want to be stuck with the memory of them.
If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.
For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.
Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.
Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.
I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.
Pray for lucid dreams
If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.
For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.
Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.
Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.
I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.
Pray for lucid dreams
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Most hated moment!
So seriously, I have been in a mood where I don't want to be micro-managed at work or on facebook. I have become increasingly agitated with the people at work that after I finish a job they just have to look at it. The firs thing that pops into my head is... I KNOW I AM YOUNG, I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH EXPERIENCE AS I SHOULD, BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN DOING EMBROIDERY ALOT LONGER THAN YOU AND IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU THINK I SCREWED IT UP, THE CUSTOMER LOVED IT SO SHOVE IT!
I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.
Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.
I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.
Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
THE story....
So it all started on March 31, 2010... lol but seriously, so last night we are in the car right around midnight talking about how funny it would be to do an April Fool's joke with an empty box. So Today, April 1, 2010, Robert comes to pick me up from work and he comes in and visits with me for a few minutes. When we finally leave I go out to his car and I see a Zale's box on the dashboard of his car, I wouldn't even touch the box. Seriously. I told him that I wouldn't even touch it, cause I didn't want to look like and idiot. I just knew the box was empty and that I was gonna get stuck looking like the Fool! So he snatched it off the dash and put it in his pocket and told me fine I couldn't have it.
As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!
So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.
Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.
I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!
Stephanie
As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!
So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.
Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.
I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!
Stephanie
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Teeny weeny bikini!
So as the summer is rapidly approaching, I actually broke down and bought some diet pills. I know I always swore I wouldn't, but I just know that I need to trim up a little. I have been eating better and I know that they won't fix everything, but I am hoping that they help a little. I just want to lose about 20 pounds. One of my fears that i have is that when I start losing weight, it will be all in my boobs, seriously I like my boobs, I don't want to see them go. I know that in the long run as weight is lost on my waist it will also come out of my chest and I am fine with that.
So today I took my first two doses of Hydroxycut. I did alot of research on it and I made sure that I crossed my p's and q's. (:D Bonus points to anyone that can correct that and tell me the meaning and origin!) But I did notice that I was less hungry when I took them and I made sure and drank plenty of water, as a matter of fact, I must use the facilities as it is! lol
I am just hoping that before bathing suit season actually starts I will be a little trimmer, if I could just lose weight out of my face I would be TOTALLY happy. I really want to just lose that and a little on my back and tummy. I have been working out but I think that since my work schedule has become sorta regular I can start waking up at a decent hour and working out before work, I think that will help too. Oh well... wish me luck!!
Steph!
So today I took my first two doses of Hydroxycut. I did alot of research on it and I made sure that I crossed my p's and q's. (:D Bonus points to anyone that can correct that and tell me the meaning and origin!) But I did notice that I was less hungry when I took them and I made sure and drank plenty of water, as a matter of fact, I must use the facilities as it is! lol
I am just hoping that before bathing suit season actually starts I will be a little trimmer, if I could just lose weight out of my face I would be TOTALLY happy. I really want to just lose that and a little on my back and tummy. I have been working out but I think that since my work schedule has become sorta regular I can start waking up at a decent hour and working out before work, I think that will help too. Oh well... wish me luck!!
Steph!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Where does my happiness fit in?
So, as I have been under alot of stress and been running my poor little brain a mile a minute, I have come to one conclusion. I really think of other people way too much. Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to say that I am some Mother Theresa and I never think about myself cause I do. I think about myself alot and I do what I want alot. But it seems on the important things where I should really think about myself, it's just not happening.
I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D
Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.
Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.
Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.
Stephie
I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D
Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.
Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.
Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.
Stephie
Friday, February 12, 2010
Snow... snow.... snow....
So I realized the best time to ever surprise me, do it when I am experiencing something I have never experienced before. It snowed tonight and it is still snowing. It is insane how much it is snowing outside. I can't wait until the morning so I can see what the snow really looks like. I had a blast having a snowball fight with everyone, it was so much fun just rolling around in the snow and playing. Neil (I think) got me a good one in the face and i had snow shot straight up my nose. That was a horrible feeling but I Loved every minute of it.
Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...
S
Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...
S
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