Most hated moment!

So seriously, I have been in a mood where I don't want to be micro-managed at work or on facebook. I have become increasingly agitated with the people at work that after I finish a job they just have to look at it. The firs thing that pops into my head is... I KNOW I AM YOUNG, I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH EXPERIENCE AS I SHOULD, BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN DOING EMBROIDERY ALOT LONGER THAN YOU AND IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU THINK I SCREWED IT UP, THE CUSTOMER LOVED IT SO SHOVE IT!

I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.

Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.

THE story....

So it all started on March 31, 2010... lol but seriously, so last night we are in the car right around midnight talking about how funny it would be to do an April Fool's joke with an empty box. So Today, April 1, 2010, Robert comes to pick me up from work and he comes in and visits with me for a few minutes. When we finally leave I go out to his car and I see a Zale's box on the dashboard of his car, I wouldn't even touch the box. Seriously. I told him that I wouldn't even touch it, cause I didn't want to look like and idiot. I just knew the box was empty and that I was gonna get stuck looking like the Fool! So he snatched it off the dash and put it in his pocket and told me fine I couldn't have it.

As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!

So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.

Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.

I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!

Stephanie

Teeny weeny bikini!

So as the summer is rapidly approaching, I actually broke down and bought some diet pills. I know I always swore I wouldn't, but I just know that I need to trim up a little. I have been eating better and I know that they won't fix everything, but I am hoping that they help a little. I just want to lose about 20 pounds. One of my fears that i have is that when I start losing weight, it will be all in my boobs, seriously I like my boobs, I don't want to see them go. I know that in the long run as weight is lost on my waist it will also come out of my chest and I am fine with that.

So today I took my first two doses of Hydroxycut. I did alot of research on it and I made sure that I crossed my p's and q's. (:D Bonus points to anyone that can correct that and tell me the meaning and origin!) But I did notice that I was less hungry when I took them and I made sure and drank plenty of water, as a matter of fact, I must use the facilities as it is! lol

I am just hoping that before bathing suit season actually starts I will be a little trimmer, if I could just lose weight out of my face I would be TOTALLY happy. I really want to just lose that and a little on my back and tummy. I have been working out but I think that since my work schedule has become sorta regular I can start waking up at a decent hour and working out before work, I think that will help too. Oh well... wish me luck!!

Steph!

Where does my happiness fit in?

So, as I have been under alot of stress and been running my poor little brain a mile a minute, I have come to one conclusion. I really think of other people way too much. Now don't  get me wrong I am not trying to say that I am some Mother Theresa and I never think about myself cause I do. I think about myself alot and I do what I want alot. But it seems on the important things where I should really think about myself, it's just not happening.

I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D

Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.

Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.

Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.

Stephie

Snow... snow.... snow....

So I realized the best time to ever surprise me, do it when I am experiencing something I have never experienced before. It snowed tonight and it is still snowing. It is insane how much it is snowing outside. I can't wait until the morning so I can see what the snow really looks like. I had a blast having a snowball fight with everyone, it was so much fun just rolling around in the snow and playing. Neil (I think) got me a good one in the face and i had snow shot straight up my nose. That was a horrible feeling but I Loved every minute of it.

Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...

S

Holiday...

So I have been going through alot of crap recently, life just seems like it's not going to get easier. Tolerance and appreciation is running thin. I am having trouble seeing through the fog a little and I have to make some decisions soon that are going to affect my whole life. These are decisions that are way bigger than I am. Life is just not going as smooth as I would hope. I do have a few things that are going well though, like MB and I haven't really fought in awhile. That is a BIG plus for us, and work is kinda straightening itself out. Faye put in her two weeks then pulled it like 2 days later so I know that means Marci isn't going to be getting rid of me any time soon just cause she knows that Faye might just do it again.

I heard this song this morning and I knew that the words were ringing true for me, and I know that this is going to be my theme song for the next few months cause I don't see them getting any easier. I just have my priorities set at, question, answer, conversation, decision, and follow through. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just use a flow chart of life to make all of our decisions. Where we had the time to write pros and cons and do comparisons and figure out and micro manage our own lives. Wouldn't it be easier if we knew the future.... if only...

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.

Don't bother to pack your bags
Or your map.
We won't need them where we're goin'.
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay.

We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse. (On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our (Sheltered in his Bivouac)
Friends and family in free verse. (On this road we'll never die.)

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

My eyes aren't clear....

So this morning I woke up with tears in my eyes, I hate when I do this cause I know that my eyes will be unclear for most of the morning. I had an odd dream but I can't help but wonder how much this is true or how much my dream is a sign of my reality.

I don't remember all of it, but it seems that I keep going back to Texas, I keep going  back to Harlan's, I keep seeing the same old people, but the store is set up different. I am not sure that makes any sense, I know that it is probably just a sign that things have changed since I left. Well as we are leaving Harlan's we end up going to a little house on a prairie and there is a big train tracks there. My sisters and I decide to get on and ride the train around the tracks and as I come back around I have to pee so I jump off the train and run back inside. There were two guys there, Charles and someone else. Charles goes out to tell them to stop the trains so I can come out and get back on but they decided to keep going. As I come out I think to myself ok, I will just wait until they get closer to go out. They get closer, I go out, I wait... they get closer... they approach me... they keep going while staring at me. I cry. I can't help but wonder how much of a metaphor that is for life. I wonder how much I am going to miss with my sisters. I know that I already miss alot. I know that I am not like them anymore. I know that I have made my decisions and now I have to live with them. Yet, I also know that I wouldn't go back to save my life. I like where I am. I am just so frustrated that I feel like I am caught between my family and my church.

Well I woke up at this point and went back to sleep....

At this point I am still a little distraught cause of my original dream and I am crying already and we are walking around a town, there is a LDS church in this town and it is a little run down. I don't recognize it though. As a group of people (including me) are walking across the street I sit on the curb and just start crying, a group of three girls walk by and just laugh and keep walking. I decide to break away from the group and I walk into the church, as I am walking through the church I can't help but think to myself how much I just want to go home. I try and make it look like I haven't been crying and i keep walking through the church. I finally program the address of where I am going into my gps and i set off but I am a single white female walking through a progressively bad neighborhood. There are three young kids, maybe 12 - 15 and they stop and they think that they are going to mug me. I beat two of them up and the other two just leave. I run back to the church and as I am walking through cause I know that it's not safe on the streets. I go into Br Walkers institute class and I sit down at a desk with no one around me. The three girls walk in. It's three girls that I know from the ward but I am not going to put their names cause I know that they would not appreciate that. But they walk in and just sneer at me which makes me cry some more.

Well my eyes have finally cleared up, I just wish my mind could.

S