Where does my happiness fit in?

So, as I have been under alot of stress and been running my poor little brain a mile a minute, I have come to one conclusion. I really think of other people way too much. Now don't  get me wrong I am not trying to say that I am some Mother Theresa and I never think about myself cause I do. I think about myself alot and I do what I want alot. But it seems on the important things where I should really think about myself, it's just not happening.

I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D

Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.

Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.

Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.

Stephie

Snow... snow.... snow....

So I realized the best time to ever surprise me, do it when I am experiencing something I have never experienced before. It snowed tonight and it is still snowing. It is insane how much it is snowing outside. I can't wait until the morning so I can see what the snow really looks like. I had a blast having a snowball fight with everyone, it was so much fun just rolling around in the snow and playing. Neil (I think) got me a good one in the face and i had snow shot straight up my nose. That was a horrible feeling but I Loved every minute of it.

Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...

S

Holiday...

So I have been going through alot of crap recently, life just seems like it's not going to get easier. Tolerance and appreciation is running thin. I am having trouble seeing through the fog a little and I have to make some decisions soon that are going to affect my whole life. These are decisions that are way bigger than I am. Life is just not going as smooth as I would hope. I do have a few things that are going well though, like MB and I haven't really fought in awhile. That is a BIG plus for us, and work is kinda straightening itself out. Faye put in her two weeks then pulled it like 2 days later so I know that means Marci isn't going to be getting rid of me any time soon just cause she knows that Faye might just do it again.

I heard this song this morning and I knew that the words were ringing true for me, and I know that this is going to be my theme song for the next few months cause I don't see them getting any easier. I just have my priorities set at, question, answer, conversation, decision, and follow through. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just use a flow chart of life to make all of our decisions. Where we had the time to write pros and cons and do comparisons and figure out and micro manage our own lives. Wouldn't it be easier if we knew the future.... if only...

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.

Don't bother to pack your bags
Or your map.
We won't need them where we're goin'.
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay.

We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse. (On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our (Sheltered in his Bivouac)
Friends and family in free verse. (On this road we'll never die.)

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

My eyes aren't clear....

So this morning I woke up with tears in my eyes, I hate when I do this cause I know that my eyes will be unclear for most of the morning. I had an odd dream but I can't help but wonder how much this is true or how much my dream is a sign of my reality.

I don't remember all of it, but it seems that I keep going back to Texas, I keep going  back to Harlan's, I keep seeing the same old people, but the store is set up different. I am not sure that makes any sense, I know that it is probably just a sign that things have changed since I left. Well as we are leaving Harlan's we end up going to a little house on a prairie and there is a big train tracks there. My sisters and I decide to get on and ride the train around the tracks and as I come back around I have to pee so I jump off the train and run back inside. There were two guys there, Charles and someone else. Charles goes out to tell them to stop the trains so I can come out and get back on but they decided to keep going. As I come out I think to myself ok, I will just wait until they get closer to go out. They get closer, I go out, I wait... they get closer... they approach me... they keep going while staring at me. I cry. I can't help but wonder how much of a metaphor that is for life. I wonder how much I am going to miss with my sisters. I know that I already miss alot. I know that I am not like them anymore. I know that I have made my decisions and now I have to live with them. Yet, I also know that I wouldn't go back to save my life. I like where I am. I am just so frustrated that I feel like I am caught between my family and my church.

Well I woke up at this point and went back to sleep....

At this point I am still a little distraught cause of my original dream and I am crying already and we are walking around a town, there is a LDS church in this town and it is a little run down. I don't recognize it though. As a group of people (including me) are walking across the street I sit on the curb and just start crying, a group of three girls walk by and just laugh and keep walking. I decide to break away from the group and I walk into the church, as I am walking through the church I can't help but think to myself how much I just want to go home. I try and make it look like I haven't been crying and i keep walking through the church. I finally program the address of where I am going into my gps and i set off but I am a single white female walking through a progressively bad neighborhood. There are three young kids, maybe 12 - 15 and they stop and they think that they are going to mug me. I beat two of them up and the other two just leave. I run back to the church and as I am walking through cause I know that it's not safe on the streets. I go into Br Walkers institute class and I sit down at a desk with no one around me. The three girls walk in. It's three girls that I know from the ward but I am not going to put their names cause I know that they would not appreciate that. But they walk in and just sneer at me which makes me cry some more.

Well my eyes have finally cleared up, I just wish my mind could.

S

I had one of those moments...

NEEDLES and YARN! My life seems to be in a knitting cycle, I think about the days and I think knit 2 purl 1.... knit 2 purl 1.... k2tog.... pull slip stitich... PSSO... life seems to have been broken down to primary colors and the power of two metal rods as they twine the yarn together. 

I can break it down even further.... let's start with a basic knit one row... purl one row... no need to involve ribbing. Life is funny that way. It seems as though when I start the knit, when I start anything new I get caught up in the past and I forget which stitch I am on. Then I start to think back about when I started other things and how I felt and how I dreamt and I can't help but remember the pain and torment that it truly caused. It is rough to think that if I had made one different decision at any part in my life I may not be here right now. I wouldn't change a thing... I am in love with a wonderful man and I wouldn't change that for the world. I feel like I talk about Robert so much and I am left to dwell on a statement that I made the other day.

"Baby, I thought about it, and i can't wait until I can fall asleep in your arms and not have to think about getting up in a few hours to leave."

I could sleep in his arms forever, literally, and I know that it's not just in his arms. I love to just lay in his bed and sleep... I love to let myself just collapse and curl up within comfort and just know that he is there. Just knowing that there is someone out there that I am completely comfortable with... someone that I feel like I have known for years. I know that this is destiny... in every inch of my being I know this.

I don't like to gush over him and I don't like to talk about him all the time. I don't want people to think that I am obsessed with him. I just know.... and i like that i just know....

The LAME-inites....

So I was at work yesterday and per a previous conversation with my friend Ann (<3 she's cool) she asked a question regarding the garments we wear. She was really awesome about trying to be discreet about it cause she knew that people would have a hard time understanding exactly what or why, but the more "shady" she was being the more the people wanted to know what she was talking about. I really have no shame about my religion, I know that people won't always agree with it. But, just like I told Ann today on fb that tolerance is a part of free agency, the reason why I didn't get upset about the following story is because people have the choice to be as tolerant or as intolerant as possible, and who am I to judge about how they handle stuff. Anyways... I really didn't get too upset about this only because i know that they just didn't understand what I was saying, although I am sure that I didn't explain it very well either.

So after Ann asked her question, we got on the topics of temples and stuff. Penny started asking what was the difference between mormons and baptists. I told her that we still worship God, and we still view Jesus as the son of God and the savior of man, but that there was more to the story. I went through the story of Jesus coming to the americas and how he taught the people here. Of course as soon as I said the word Laminites instead of Native Americans, Penny took it as a racial slur against her heritage. I tried explaining that to her to and she was pretty well shut down by then. So I continued on with my story and how Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith and how the Book of Mormon (BoM) was found. I think she was pretty well turned off to the idea of it though.

I wish there was some way that I could have better explained this, although it does make me feel better about the missionaries, and it really does shine light on what they do every day. They go out and knock doors every day and get shot down all the time, but the still go out and still knock doors and still try to share their message.  It really is inspiring to know that they are blessed and set apart from God to be able to go forth with this calling. I know that not everyone will agree with what I believe, I don't agree with what some people believe either, I just know that I am not fit to judge. I just feel that as long as people approach my views with an open mind and not try and change what I believe I am fine with them. It's when the people start to shun me or judge me or make assumptions about things that I have problems with it. Oh well.... I'm just one day closer to paradise!

Steph

My age limit is 7...

So work today was funny and interesting and I knew that I had to share it with everyone, some of you will get kicks out of this mor many many different reason, just let me set the situation up for you.

I didn't shower this morning (yuck I know) cause I was running late, and I am wearing yesterday's make-up that I refreshed this morning. I am standing behind the counter and I am helping two older black gentlemen and when I say older I am referencing like 50-55 years old. Well one guy, we will call him Bill cause I don't know his name, looked at the tat that I have on my chest, and looked to Sydney, the other guy, and was like do you see the butterfly? Sydney said, yeah I see it, then asked me if I had a bee after my butterfly. I just giggled and said that I am dating someone, then he told me that I needed to date him, and he told me he was going to leave me with his number. As he is writing the number he is asking random things about me not too personal and he said that i needed to date both he and Robert. I was trying to be nice and didn't want to hurt the gentleman's feelings so I just told him that I was very much so into the guy I was with and that I was with a strict church and couldn't have a bee after my butterfly until I was married. He then asked me what church I was a part of and I told him I was a mormon and I am going to quote him... "Isn't that the church where you can have 4 or 5 husbands?" I was like no we ended that in the 1800's and he said I thought it was going on yesterday. I told him that there were some radical sects out there that still practice it but they don't follow the docterine of the BoM so they aren't affiliated with the LDS church. He told me that I needed to look into that church instead of the one I am in. (Very much so an anti-christ quality) Then he started asking me some of the things I am into, and i told him like puzzles, and knitting, and hanging out, watching movies, cooking... etc. He told me that he would marry me in a heart beat and I was still being stand-offish but he kept going. So I put his number in my pocket and helped the customers that had come up.

I thought they had left the store when I threw his number away but unbeknownst to me they were still shopping. Sydney decided to get a movie and just had to come back through my line. Then he said that he had come up with a perfect idea, that he and I and Bill and Wendie should go out to lunch or dinner. I told him that I didn't know I would have to think about it and I told him that if Wendie agreed I would go. I know that Wendie will never agree to go so I am not that worried about it.  Anyways, I dipped into the trashcan after Sydney turned around and got his number out and his friend caught me. I started laughing cause Wendie started laughing and I turned beet red cause I had been caught. Well they bought some flowers and left. I was still so embarrassed. UGH!

So I called Jilli and told her what happened she and i Just laughed about it, then I called Robert <3 and he was like, (jokingly) fine I see how it is. You are going for an older man. I said well you know that I like older men, look at you. He said I know, I am your limit. I said, so 7 years is my limit, why didn't you tell me that before I would have told him no flat out that he was way to old for me. lol....

UGH! Gotta love old pervie men, yay.....


S