My solution....

So I was so proud of myself. I was at work yesterday and I was tormented by the ideas in my previous post. I know that church really means alot to me, and I want someone that can be spiritual with me. I want someone that will lead me spiritually also, as to when (if ever) I start to fall away he will bring me back. So as I was sitting there thinking, I came up with an amazing solution...

I won't say a thing about him leaving the singles ward, since I go there every sunday I will keep going I will just start going to the first ward. I know you're not really supposed to do that, but I figure hey, God will forgive me. Atleast I am still going. I would probably just transfer my records to Crowfield if Robert left and I didn't go to First Ward. Anyways, the end of the solution. So Robert goes to first ward, and me too, but my deal is, he has to go to Sacrament every Sunday that I am there. He likes to sleep in and not go to sacrament, but I am making it mandatory, I will not say a thing if he just is on time to sacrament. I think this is a fair and workable compromise.

Anyways, I am having trouble with work. I really want to find a 9-5 where I can just work Monday through Friday and not have to worry about what days I am going to have off. When I was hanging with the missionaries I was all about having some weekdays off so I could chill with them. But now that I have distanced myself, I know that I really just want the weekends off. Especially if I am going to stop going to the SW that way I can still have the weekends to socialize with everyone. I can't wait!! I am actually going to start looking today. :D Well I hope that everyone is having a wonderful Sunday and I can't wait to update you again!!

S

It's a deep kinda night...

So I am kinda stumped, Robert sprung it on me that he is going to stop going to the singles ward in about two months. I hope that I would have enough influence with him that he would keep going out of respect for me. It is just odd that he wouldn't be involved in something that is a big part of me. I know that it is his decision ultimately, but I would still hope that I could keep him going with me. If he transfers his records back to the West Ashley ward, I wouldn't be able to transfer my records where he is. So I would either have to stay in the SW or transfer my records back to Crowfield and just go to West Ashley. I know that he has a valid argument, we spend alot of time together, and what is just 3 hours. But I think that my argument is relevant also. I want him to be there for my spiritual needs as well as my emotional. I need him to be there. I know that I can just talk to him about it, but he is so hard headed that I don't think that my opinion will have a big enough effect.

There are still parts of me that think that he is shielding himself, not letting himself open up completely and I know that is holding him back from giving himself completely to me. I don't know if he has a fear of me not loving him, or me loving him too much and he doesn't feel worthy of love. This is also the reason that I don't like psycho-analyzing my friends and my love. I know that I can say it but I don't know if he believes me when I say it. I do love him, there is something about him that just captivates me. I can't see my life without him right now. I am still just tripping about him not doing church with me, I even told him that I would cut my hours with him to keep him in church with me. It's not that I think he is going to fall away from there church if I am not there to keep him involved, I just think he is going to make himself more of a recluse again. I don't want him to pull away socially. I think it is a good thing that he is out there. I know that he knows that people are still going to be around because of me, but I know that he is going to feel like he doesn't fit in.

I hope that age isn't his driving factor for leaving the ward. I know that 30 isn't that old, I know that he is going to be 31 in 2 months, but I want him to know that he isn't 30. He is an amazing soul and that he is an amazing person. He is so cool and people love him for that. Although, the people that are in the ward right now (some of them, not all) are not nearly as mature as their years count. It is sad that the people that are in there mid to late 20's are acting like they are 16. It is pathetic and ridiculous. I just have an old soul and I want the classic life, I want to be happy, I want to be comfortable, I want to be just as in love with my husband at 20 years as I was at 2 months, I want to be able to be honest, and ugly, and sick, and funny.... everything that is me around people and not get judged for it. I think that some people just hang out with me because they like to make their judgements internally. They like to be witness to the next saga of the Stephanie show... This is the Stephanie show logging off for tonight.

S

Perfecto Mundo...

So tonight was a perfect night, cold, damp, dank, dreary, clammy... all of those make the perfect night. I know that you may be asking yourself what I could possibly be thinking, but it's 2 in the morning and I have trouble making cognitive thought after a good nights rest much less when I am a little sleep deprived. But I consider it a perfect night cause after I left Robert's the air was so thick and low that the lights almost reflected off of everything making it wonderful and bright. It was an extremely bright night. I loved it.

I rediscovered my Alicia Keys cd. It really is amazing how much emotion goes into a simple thing such as music. I can say that when I put it in and i heard the first few chords of the first song, the prelude to the entire disc, I really was taken back to a time probably 5 years ago. I could feel the comfort of that main street house and everything that was going on in the world. This was before I felt broken, this was before i joined the church, this was before I was tainted with the truth of the world...

I am a firm believe in the ignorance behind the statement, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is not always bliss. Being shielded and jaded to the real world, makes you naive to every thing around you. It really does stunt your emotional and psychological growth. I am not gonna get into details but I grew up more in 5 years than in the 17 before it. The joy I feel now is true joy, I have gotten past that part of my life and I am moving on to bigger and better things. Life really is going pretty ok right now, I am with my family who is amazing in every aspect of the word. I know that they still have some time here, but I know that when they go I am going to be so sad. I remember the first time MB left, I seriously felt like my world was crushed. I can never say it enough and i know that I should say it more but she means the world to me and I am grateful every day that I am with her. I have a boyfriend that is wonderful to me, he lights up my life! I have a job that I don't like but it gets the bills paid and makes the time drift faster. I have a church and a church family that I would trade for the world.

I really should write Truman and Wallace, I feel TERRIBLE everyday cause I remember at the most inopportune times that I really need to write them. I can't ever tell them how much they mean to me either. I know that a call would probably make their day... It's ok, I hope that God blesses them with a little more sugar everytime I pray cause I know that I thank God for the missionaries every time I pray.

This night was dreadfully perfect.

Ciao,

Steph

just read my last post.

So I just read my last post, and it is hard to believe that in that last message I talked more about my present than I thought. I know it has been forever since I updated this thing, and I really feel bad that I haven't kept up with my "journaling" but it will all work out. So the funny thing is, since that last message I have started dating Robert Provost. He is absolutely amazing. His was one of the numbers I got that night and we started dating exactly one month after that temple trip. Anyways...

I have also made some friendships that I don't want to ever see go. Like I never knew that there were so many people that I could relate to, although I am still having issues opening up to some of the people. I kinda worry that I may be stuck in an endless circle of never opening up until forced to. Then there are still those times where I know that I should cause my experiences will help someone else and I will put my two cents in but I don't think that I will ever open up like I have with Amanda and Dana.

Updates: Amanda's dad died. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I am not going into detail but I know that she will be ok. I really feel bad cause I haven't been there for her as much as I hope I would. I just can't stand to see her upset. She is one of the people that I would give my all. She is mine... I don't ever want to see anything happen to her but I can't keep her sheltered forever. Her family seems to be dealing with this ok, and I know that they are all strong people.

Sariah, had her twins, they are the most adorable babies that I have ever seen. She actually had them right about the time Robert and I started dating so I haven't been to see them much, but I have been over a couple of times and they are the best babies ever. Shannon and Tim are adopting a baby, I feel kinda bad that I haven't been around them much either. I think this week I am going to try and drag Robert over there with me, maybe a little RB and some dinner. Sounds like a plan that just might work. Well maybe not this week now that I think about the schedule.... oh well.

So I have been reading the ensign again, after slacking off for a little bit, and I can't believe how relevant some of the stories are. I am stuck re-reading the conference 2008 edition and I love it. Every story has parables and life lessons that make so much sense. I am starting to feel more confident in my life. I know that I usually have the big questions of what am I really doing here and what is my life really worth, but I just keep my patriarchal blessing in mind and I see how much of it is coming true. I never knew it until now, I am a natural born leader. :D That makes me happier than you know. Anyways, this has turned out to be way longer than I really wanted it to. So remember... live laugh love and forgive you enemies, physically and emotionally.

Stephanie

P.S. I thought of one more: I want someone that will not let me go through life as a shadow.

When the spirit touches me....

Today was an amazing Sunday, it was the first sunday in a month that I have been able to go to church.

A little background, I have been having a little trouble with a friend, not gonna get into too much detail cause I don't know the details myself. I am just sitting back and waiting for things to calm down and for life to go back to normal...

So church was just speaking to me today, in relief society we went over Forgiveness...

Matthew 18:17-35

¹⁷And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

¹⁸Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

²⁰For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

²¹Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

²²Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

²³Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.

²⁴And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

²⁵But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

²⁶The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

²⁷Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

²⁸But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

²⁹And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

³⁰And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

³¹So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

³²Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:

³³Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

³⁴And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

³⁵So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

To forgive no matter how big or small the trespass is, is pertinent to redemption. It seems that I am having a little trouble forgiving myself for a few of my past transgressions. Well lots of my past transgressions... there are things in my past that I feel I will never be able to forgive myself for. Forgiveness is all inclusive, upon forgiving others we must also forgive ourselves for the repentance process to begin. By not forgiving we are pretty well trying to say that we are working with satan. Who are we to not forgive when God forgives everything?

Forgiveness is on two parts, we must first forgive the action, then we must also forgive the actor. It seems that when we generally forgive we really only forgive the person but we still hold spite and malice towards the action, thus not actually forgiving anyone at all...

I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repents, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance. Luke 15:7

I know this is incomplete, and I can't believe I didn't finish it. ARGH! but I hope you enjoy the first part!!

Lo Tujo es Mio, lo mio es tujo....

So yesterday we went on the temple trip, it was alot of fun. I actually started talking to people and I had just this amazing experience there. I loved it, we went to do baptisms for the dead and it was so much fun. I kinda hope two people would be there, one had a reason not to be there, and the other well he and I don't talk.

I ended up getting like 4 new numbers yesterday, which is awesome. Now I actually have a connection to these people. I texted for a little bit last night. Maybe i'm finally fitting in somewhere. I loved the fact that Bishop told me that every time I go to the temple it is to learn. I didn't kno how I was going to learn this time, but I think God took over and kinda taught me as opposed to making me figure it out. I was the second one to go and Fred came up to me and started asking me ho I was feeling, I told him and he asked me why the baptismal font was below ground level, and explained a little about the symbolism that is going on there. It was really cool. He gave me the rest of the time to ponder about the font, and then at the end, he pretty well taught me how to look it up myself. I answered his question correctly, and then he asked me a few more questions about the font and I actually started understanding the makings of the font. It was really awesome! We went out to Rush's afterwards, and it wasn't the best burgers ever but they were pretty decent. I had alot of fun talking with Jeanine, Louisa, Debby, and Ashley. Keri was a big help too, she was so awesome and pretty well kept me under her wing. I think I am gonna go thank her for all of her help yesterday!

So Neil and Mary leave today for Texas, they are gonna be gone for 2 weeks, and I am just a little nervous as to what I am gonna do for two whole weeks. Oh well. I will manage, and if anything I can always go to Shannon's or Sariah's (UGH I STILL NEED TO CALL HER!) Dangit!

Should I mention he's rich....

So I was kinda bored, I went through a time today when I was thinking about what I wanted.

1. I want someone that will play with my hair.

2. I want someone that will let me put my head in his lap during a movie.

3. I want someone that lets me kiss his hands.

4. I want someone that will play with my toes.

5. I want someone that does small kisses on my neck.

6. I want someone that has laugh lines.

7. I want someone that furrows his brow.

8. I want someone that loves to make me smile.

9. I want someone that watches me walk away.

10. I want someone that tells me when I look fat.

11. I want someone that scratches my back.

12. I want someone that loves to look into my eyes.

13. I want someone that likes to rest his hand on my butt.

14. I want someone that watches whatever I want on t.v.

15. I want someone that texts me just to say hi.

16. I want someone that listens to me ramble.

17. I want someone that actually rambles right back.

18. I want someone that leaves me notes.

19. I want someone that loves songs.

20. I want someone that loves animals.

21. I want someone that loves the church.

22. I want someone that will keep me strong.

23. I want someone that will stay strong, no matter what.

24. I want someone that likes that I don't like storms.

25. I want someone that will just listen to me breathe.

26. I want someone that dances.

27. I want someone that window shops.

28. I want someone that just lets me lay my head in his lap during the times I want to.

I could go on forever with these things....