Already a fail... days 2 and 3

HA HA HA! This is so the story of my life, I already failed the 30 day challenge! HA! Ok, so I am gonna cheat a little and combine days 2 and 3 together... I think it will still work and it will get me caught up!

Day 2: The meaning behind my blog name...

So, ugh the meaning behind my name... do I really have enough time to get through it and would you really understand if I did?!?

I usually chalk up my thoughts to random ramblings and everyone used to tell me I lost my mind, or as my mom would put it, you have to ahve one in the first place! But this blog is actually a random analysis of my brain... I was raised with an ADD dad and two ADD sisters although we were never really diagnosed, we could sit at the table for hours, literally HOURS, we were in 4th-8th grades and we would sit with my dad and for HOURS into the night he and we could ramble for every about everything, it could cover politics, to 4 storke engines, to the progression of cars, to the progressive movements over seas... and everything could be tied back to something so whether we started with the civil war and ended on how swimming pool chemicals really worked we could tell you exactly how everything fit together, and I still have that thought process, you say one thing and I have already analyzed it and turned it into a file to be set in my brain, it's where I take the thought that scares most people. The phrase I love hearing from Robert is, "Where did that come from?" My response is do you really want to know, and if I get a no then I leave it alone if I get a yes I actually drop into each thought and explain to him exactly how my thought process works and his usual response is, "Wow, baby, you think way too much!" I just nod and shake my head... perfect example of this is from awhile back... and well... I'm not sure how many people wanna know the whole story but I don't want to offend anyone because it is of a sexual aspect, sorta. But it stemmed to me saying that I knew how John Wayne really died... Yeah... my brain is broken sometimes! :D But that's where my name comes from, it is my crazy ramblings from a girl who is well on her way to losing her mind!

Day 3: A pic of your friends...

So seriously this is just how OCD I am... it is in alphabetical order... and for those of you who may look at the picture after Cameron and see me... no I didn't put it in the wrong order, I am looking up towards God... wait I should have put it in a different spot, I was thinking Christ... oh well... you get the hint. Also, $ I didn't put your picture in the wrong spot, I had you saved as Truman... that's why it's after Tina... :D just so you know.

Also these are the people that popped in my head when I realized I didn't have any pics of all my friends and there are so many more I can't even name. These are just the people I have talked to in the past 2-3 days. So deal with it! :P Anyways, here it goes, and kudos if you can name everyone, I doubt anyone can!

Some of these people I pine to see more... like literally my body aches with desire to see you more... my sisters and my friends back home... it feel like forever since I have gotten to see you or hold you or just laugh with you... my friends here that I don't see enough... well there's nothing I can say to that other than, we need to get together more. I <3 my friends, seriously though.

Dang 2 hours and I have to do day 4... I guess I better get started on that too! HA!

This is the first day of the thirty day challenge...

I read it on a friend's blog and she challenged all of us to do it, so I figured I would give it a go. I do have to say that this is going to be kinda awkward to do since I usually forget to blog, but it should be productive since I don't have anything better to do...

This picture has a kinda funny story behind it, well funny to me, this was the last in a procession of pictures that I sent to my sister when she was bored in class... not gonna say what the previous 3 pictures were HAHA! That's what makes it funny... So the other half of this is 15 interesting things... I'm not gonna lie, I don't know if I can come up with 15.

1. I took 4 pictures before I decided to just go with one I already had.
2. I am in love with indie films and generally watch thema  billion times!
3. I think I am a little OCD, hence the fact that I had to go through and first put all the numbers, followed by periods and then one space...
4. I don't like being alone, and when I am alone I have to have noise otherwise my imagination will kill me and I will start hearing noises and seeing shadows, and just generally freak myself out enough that I have to pack up the animals and leave until someone gets home... there is sometimes some sporadic crying mixed in there also!
5. I get motion sick really fast and really bad, thus the reason I have never been on an airplane, big boat, train, roller coaster, or any other really fast thing that jerks around.
6. I love my husband, like seriously really love him, he lights up my world and I get giddy every time he comes home and I like to make him happy so I cook for him all the time and try and take care of him... and I feel like I sound like a sick puppy, HAH!
7. I feel a lot of guilt, like all the time, if it's not one thing it's another, like for not talking to people as much as I should, then for not finishing stuff I start, and then for not knowing stuff I should.... it really gets to me sometimes....
8. I stare at myself a lot, really really stare, like I could just stare myself down for hours, my dad used to get onto me for just staring at my self, called it narcissism but it's not like I stare at myself and think, "OOH, I'm so hot!" I just stare, with a blank mind, blank eyes, not really looking at myself just STARING!
9. I feel like I don't have many friends, I feel like the friends I do have are good ones, but I don't have many at all. It is so weird because I don't have trouble making friends, I just think I don't try at all.
10. I have a weird fear of disappointing people, like a big fear of it, I think that's where most of my guilt comes from, it's weird though because I don't think people have that big of an expectation from me... it's my own standards... maybe I am worried I disappoint myself.
11. I think so much sometimes that it keeps me up, it's a random ellipse of thoughts that keeps me from doing anything, my thoughts are usually pointless but they just keep coming and don't ever want to stop. The thought turn into sounds and the sounds keep me up for HOURS, I think it worries Robert sometimes.
12. I think the last interesting fact makes me sound a little crazy, like maybe that is the kinda comment that changes people's percetion of me.
13. I have a weird fear of people, all kinds of people, it's mostly my own predisposition towards people, but it's weird, it's mostly dirty people or people with certain styles, I am nervous around hobo's... and I am nervous around gangster people... and I am nervous when it's only me and one other person in a place... I am nervous when people stare... I am nervous when people corner me...
14. I have an obsession with old movies and I kinda wish I were born in the fifties or forties... I kinda wish I could just live in the simpler times like when life was easier and calmer.
15. I think dead things are creepy, perfect example, Robert had a fish die and it was the day after we bought it, so we were taking it back to the pet store and on the way, he decided to take the baggie that contained the fish and put it in my lap... of course I screamed and threw it where ever I could. He just laughed... My sisters used to chase me with dead bugs and cockroaches... it just freaks me out.

It took me almost an hour and a half to write this... hope you find it interesting!

S

For sariah

My reality...

So I haven't made it well known, and I am sure that most of you guys are going to say, WOW she blogged twice in 2 days. I really kinda want to make this a regular thing, even though I have said it before. Anyways, back to the beginning is, so I haven't made it well known, and it's still not "finalized" but I am pretty sure that I don't have a job at the Navy Exchange anymore. life has been crazy hard and I can't really go into details as to why I don't, but I still haven't gotten a call back. It's been a week and 2 days since I was put on a "suspension" and I haven't heard anything. I am really sad because I devoted A LOT of blood sweat and tears into that place and they made cast me away. It's so hard. I loved my job, as much as I complained, I loved coming in and seeing the people and talking about their kids, and their pasts. I'm not just talking about the employees. I had some real connection at that store, some of the customers would come over to my counter and cry to me, and tell me what was going on with their kids. Some would come over just to tell me how work was over night. Some just came to see me smile and listen to whatever they had to say. I am extremely customer oriented and i know this, maybe my main problem is becoming too involved with the customers, they are the hardest to not get to see anymore. I made some real friends and I made some real connections. I don't want to lose them.

I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.

As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...

One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...

Life is funny that way.

My pride found me at church today....

Today, Relief society, UGH.... pride and realizations are an ugly thing.

I complain instead of fixing things.

Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.

I realized that I found ME at church.

When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.

I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...

I will try to get over my pride...

I will try to find similarities...

I will try to be more Christ like...

I will try to make more friends.

Long time no see...

It really has been a long time since I have seen this blog, I want to keep up with it more often but I know that I probably won't have the time or memory.

I want to more than anything just find a way to keep my memories so that I won't lose them as I get older. Update today: I have the flu, I feel like I am dying. Seriously though, I hope I am not though I would be very sad to lose my husband.

I can say that these last few months I have had some baby fever and I am kinda looking forward to getting pregnant. I do have to say that my last cycle that I am going through has been a little rough but I think it will get more regular as they come. I did take a fertility test and it came back normal so I shouldn't hjave trouble and hopefully within these next few months i will be with child. I think that would be amazing.

Christmas was fun, and so was Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving we spent the day at Robert's parents house. The food was SOOOO good. The only thing that sucked was that the night before Robert and I worked for 18 hours at the NEX getting it ready for Black Friday. Christmas was fun, Robert and I shared our presents before the actual Christmas day and so when we woke up it was a time for just us. Robert played his video games as I watched. Then I napped and we went to Jeff and Felicia's for dinner. The food was AMAZING!! I seem to have an affinity for good food. lol

Other than that, work is still work and life is still life. I thought Marriage would be harder than this, it is just like living with my best friend. Conversation and life isn't hard, we just go day to day and live in bliss.

Whispered Dreams....

So I am having trouble accessing sleep tonight. I don't know why. I don't think it's because of stress... I don't feel stressed. I don't think it's because of too much sleep... I haven't been sleeping much as it is. I don't think it's because of too much excitement... life is pretty mundane right now. I think it is my dreams... I don't want to have my dreams and I don't want to be stuck with the memory of them.

If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.

For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.

Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.

Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.

I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.

Pray for lucid dreams