For sariah

My reality...

So I haven't made it well known, and I am sure that most of you guys are going to say, WOW she blogged twice in 2 days. I really kinda want to make this a regular thing, even though I have said it before. Anyways, back to the beginning is, so I haven't made it well known, and it's still not "finalized" but I am pretty sure that I don't have a job at the Navy Exchange anymore. life has been crazy hard and I can't really go into details as to why I don't, but I still haven't gotten a call back. It's been a week and 2 days since I was put on a "suspension" and I haven't heard anything. I am really sad because I devoted A LOT of blood sweat and tears into that place and they made cast me away. It's so hard. I loved my job, as much as I complained, I loved coming in and seeing the people and talking about their kids, and their pasts. I'm not just talking about the employees. I had some real connection at that store, some of the customers would come over to my counter and cry to me, and tell me what was going on with their kids. Some would come over just to tell me how work was over night. Some just came to see me smile and listen to whatever they had to say. I am extremely customer oriented and i know this, maybe my main problem is becoming too involved with the customers, they are the hardest to not get to see anymore. I made some real friends and I made some real connections. I don't want to lose them.

I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.

As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...

One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...

Life is funny that way.

My pride found me at church today....

Today, Relief society, UGH.... pride and realizations are an ugly thing.

I complain instead of fixing things.

Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.

I realized that I found ME at church.

When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.

I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...

I will try to get over my pride...

I will try to find similarities...

I will try to be more Christ like...

I will try to make more friends.

Long time no see...

It really has been a long time since I have seen this blog, I want to keep up with it more often but I know that I probably won't have the time or memory.

I want to more than anything just find a way to keep my memories so that I won't lose them as I get older. Update today: I have the flu, I feel like I am dying. Seriously though, I hope I am not though I would be very sad to lose my husband.

I can say that these last few months I have had some baby fever and I am kinda looking forward to getting pregnant. I do have to say that my last cycle that I am going through has been a little rough but I think it will get more regular as they come. I did take a fertility test and it came back normal so I shouldn't hjave trouble and hopefully within these next few months i will be with child. I think that would be amazing.

Christmas was fun, and so was Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving we spent the day at Robert's parents house. The food was SOOOO good. The only thing that sucked was that the night before Robert and I worked for 18 hours at the NEX getting it ready for Black Friday. Christmas was fun, Robert and I shared our presents before the actual Christmas day and so when we woke up it was a time for just us. Robert played his video games as I watched. Then I napped and we went to Jeff and Felicia's for dinner. The food was AMAZING!! I seem to have an affinity for good food. lol

Other than that, work is still work and life is still life. I thought Marriage would be harder than this, it is just like living with my best friend. Conversation and life isn't hard, we just go day to day and live in bliss.

Whispered Dreams....

So I am having trouble accessing sleep tonight. I don't know why. I don't think it's because of stress... I don't feel stressed. I don't think it's because of too much sleep... I haven't been sleeping much as it is. I don't think it's because of too much excitement... life is pretty mundane right now. I think it is my dreams... I don't want to have my dreams and I don't want to be stuck with the memory of them.

If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.

For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.

Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.

Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.

I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.

Pray for lucid dreams

Most hated moment!

So seriously, I have been in a mood where I don't want to be micro-managed at work or on facebook. I have become increasingly agitated with the people at work that after I finish a job they just have to look at it. The firs thing that pops into my head is... I KNOW I AM YOUNG, I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH EXPERIENCE AS I SHOULD, BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN DOING EMBROIDERY ALOT LONGER THAN YOU AND IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU THINK I SCREWED IT UP, THE CUSTOMER LOVED IT SO SHOVE IT!

I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.

Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.

THE story....

So it all started on March 31, 2010... lol but seriously, so last night we are in the car right around midnight talking about how funny it would be to do an April Fool's joke with an empty box. So Today, April 1, 2010, Robert comes to pick me up from work and he comes in and visits with me for a few minutes. When we finally leave I go out to his car and I see a Zale's box on the dashboard of his car, I wouldn't even touch the box. Seriously. I told him that I wouldn't even touch it, cause I didn't want to look like and idiot. I just knew the box was empty and that I was gonna get stuck looking like the Fool! So he snatched it off the dash and put it in his pocket and told me fine I couldn't have it.

As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!

So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.

Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.

I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!

Stephanie