Ramblings of a mindless girl....

Life has been hard....

2011-11-09T20:53:00.000-08:00

It hasn't been 7 months for nothing, the thing is, life hasn't been so hard the past 6 months. It has bee the remaining month that has been hard. Life seems like it is at a turning point for me and I don't know if it is turning for the better. Both cars are going to crap, well one is already there since I wrecked it, work is not satisfying, I feel like I am left out by my friends and school is not living up to my expectations either. I haven't been able to go to church much recently and I feel like I am letting my family down just by existing and the thought of not existing hurts too much to think about. I might not be able to go to Texas for Christmas and I don't know how to explain it to my family, money is tight, like really really tight. We are barely making ends meet.

I love my husband he is the reason I am able to get out of bed in the morning and go on with my day. Without him I think I would not be able to function, he is my foundation.

The shake in my hands has gotten worse with the stress and I can't wait to get pregnant. It's sad to say but I don't think I will ever get pregnant. Not that I am trying to complain or look for pity from somewhere I genuinely think there is something wrong with me and i won't be able to conceive. The doctor says, lose 50 pounds and we will try hormone therapy, no doctor has ever told me to lose weight. I know that I am larger but I have never truly had issues with my body until then. Now I look in the mirror and all I think is 50 pounds.... 50 pounds.... 50 pounds. It's been almost 2 months and I haven't lost a single pound, I am scared of trying, what if I can't, what if losing the weight makes me different. I am just so tired all of the time. I want to rest and not hurt. I hurt so much, my shoulders and back and feet are always in pain.

Life has just been hard especially these last 2 weeks.

A Rock and Hard Place...

2011-04-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

So I feel like life is getting harder, it seems like I am seriously being put between a rock and a hard place. I want to go see my family in Texas, I dream about it and think about it with every fiber of my being. Robert has finally conceded to going with me, that was a WHOLE different story... but I digress, and now that I am ready the money is just not here. My sister wants to do a baby shower in May in Texas, I can't afford to go. They said my mom would buy me a ticket, anyone that knows me knows that I HATE GIFTS! I especially hate the ones that make me feel like I am indebted to them. I don't want people to feel obligated to buy me gifts. If someone wants to just get me something small that they saw and it reminded them of me, I am fine with that, but Christmas and Birthday's make me EXCEEDINGLY uncomfortable. Anyways, they said my mom would buy me a ticket, Wanda said she wants me to come because she has news, obviously I am not high enough on her totem pole to inform immediately of important news, I have to wait until she is ready. Yet I am sure all the rest of my family knows. I feel like these 2000 miles is really 200,000 miles just because there is more than just a spatial gap, there is an emotional gap, that destroys me!

I miss my family so much it just seems like money is ALWAYS tight. I think that in October if we haven't been to see my family yet, we are most definitely going to Texas instead of Orlando. I feel like that going to Texas is WAY more important than going to a stupid theme park where I can't do anything except walk around and spend money. Even if we did end up going to Orlando I think I would be miserable the whole time... but does that matter to his family!?! NO! All that matters is that his side of the family is having fun, it's just something else that makes me feel like I don't belong. Every single person in his family knows that I get motion sick... yet, they still decided to go to an amusement park for the "family reunion"

I know that this blog post is extremely negative, it just seems like I am in a bad place tonight. I want to just sleep... I want to sleep long and hard and not go to church tomorrow. That is another thing that is bothering me... why don't I have a calling in church!?! Every other person in the church has a calling, EXCEPT me, it has been almost a year... Oh well, that is enough complaining to a white screen that no one will read.

Thirty day Challenge.... Day... Ugh... does it even matter

2011-02-23T08:23:00.000-08:00

So the thirty day challenge was just that, a challenge, and I failed it, as I expected I would. I haven't been keeping up with much recently, I feel like life is getting harder and harder to get things done. I got a job YAY but it seems like I am getting limited hours, so I think I have to find a second job.

I failed at the thirdy day challenge in a BIG way. Seriously though. I didn't even make it halfway through. Kind of an euphamism for my life. I usually give up half wayt hrough for the things that don't matter as much to me. There are things that do matter to me that i know I will never give up on....

1) My family, as much as I have malice towards certain people in my family, I will never give up on them. Even when every inch of my being is telling me to just quit thinking about them and let it go, I can't.... most people should know right now that I am talking about my dad. My sisters, oh gosh, what do I say about them, they are my whole world. We NEVER talk, well mary adn I do sometimes, and Wanda and I have sporadic, short, yet meaningful conversations.... but I love them more than life itself... I love them more than chocolate milk! My mom, SHE IS A GODDESS! She is the epitomy or perfection, ok maybe not that perfect but to me she is my everything. She and I probably talk the least, but I swear she is telepathic, she can always call right at the right moment, it's her mom power.

2) My husband, Robert means more to me than I can ever explain. I will never be able to put into straight words what he means to me and to my life. I joked with him, when we first started dating, I had NOOOOOO intention of ever getting serious with him, I was just making friends. Then BOOM a year later we are married. Really funny thing, is that most of his family thought we were pregnant and that's why we wanted a speedy wedding. HAH! I still wonder how many of them really thought we were active!?! SOOO, between, my husband and my mom and sisters technically my heart should explode. Yet, there is still a little room for a kid in my life.

3) Myself, as much as I think about it and as much as I know I should sometimes quit trying stuff. I know that just giving up will get to me. I know that I am amazing and super duper smart and that I can do so much, but sometimes I have other things on my plate. Like going to school, right now it's a goo after thought and I think that I could do it one day, it just seems like I always have too much going on to even think about that as a feasible option. I need to just set it in stone and DO IT! But what do I go to school for...

4) My friends, you know who you are, and most of you don't even read my blogs, funny thing is I know that most of you won't read my blogs. But there are a select few that I would lay my life on the line for... seriously, once I reach that point of trust, it never goes away. One person that I love above all other friends is Amanda, if she called em tomorrow and said she really needed me to come back to Texas, I would be there in an instant. She knows that she can ask anything of me and it will be taken care of. She is a sister to me. My other friends might have to do a hairs worth of convincing to get me to come back at the drop of a hat! ;) I love my friends, they are what keep me sane and grounded.

I need to add one more thing to this list, but it's me having faith to take care of it.... my weight... I found out on Sunday, I have gained 15 POUNDS since I lost my job. Seriously, I was already overweight but now there is another 15 POUNDS! I need to seriously buckle down and start trying to lose... I know I am beautiful, I still get hit on by guys and stuff, but still... I never pictured in my mental image of me as fat, now with these 15 pounds, my mental image is HUGE! GEEZE... 15 POUNDS! So, I don't want to start a weight loss blog, but I am going to start a challenge, anyone that reads this and sees me eating unhealthy food, STOP ME! Remind me of my 15 POUNDS, and remind me that I need to lose weight. Don't stop me from eating just stop me from eating crap that will just make me gain weight again.

Day 10: Songs that you listen to in different moods...

2011-02-11T19:42:00.000-08:00

I can say that i listen to TONS of music. I listen to music at any chance, seriously though. I love heavy beats... If I had to break it down by moods I couldn't even name songs there would be so many so I can just name types.

Sad: I listen to usually slower music, songs where the beat will mellow me out, generally softer rock where the melodies can take my mood along different paths: Incubus is a good one.

Mad: I listen to either the same kind of music as sad, unless it is a Deep anger, then I listen to HEAVY rock, the kind of rock that usually irritates me. if I had to pick a good reference, I would say: Distillers or As I Lay Dying.

Happy: I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEE my happy music. Oh goodness the thought alone makes me happy. I love HUGE heavy beats, with a good drumma drumm drumm that I can shake my booty too, with lyrics that make me think about how FLY I am, and a rythm that shakes me to the core... I can't even think of a single general reference, Um, how about Black Eyed Peas... ooh yeah that's a good one.

Calm: I like soft but heavy beats where I can almost kinda trance out and not think about it anymore, I know the perfect reference... Imogen heap... Hide and seek is the most amazing thing that I know, it makes me smile and think back, it puts me into a calmer mood just thinking about it.

Nostalgic: Country, good ole country makes me happy, I listen to the older country that makes me think about all my time back home and it makes me think about growing up, crountry from the 90's reminds me of my mom waking us up, and I would go crawl into her bed while she showered and I would talk to her while she got ready, and I would just watch her and listen to her radio as it played country music, every morning it was 100.3 KILT. She woke up at 6 to the national anthem every morning. I don't know if she still does but it still makes me happy. Wynona, Reba, George, Clint.... all the good ones.

In Love: This is the best, this is the one that I love hte most, these are the ones that make me the happiest, these are the ones that make me think of Robert. These are the slow smooth rythms, the cool soft beats, the wild bass lines, and the ones that make me feel generally sexy... is that weird to say. lol. Let's say some Paula Cole...

Then there are all the moods inbetween, I can listen to heavy Rap to heavy metal, Classical instruments, to Classic Rock, Country to Foreign, I love and appreciate ALL music... any and all music.

I love the arts!!

Day 9: Something I'm proud of in the last few days...

2011-02-10T16:20:00.000-08:00

Um, I woke up this morning?

I know it sounds silly but there is nothing that I have done to make me proud in the last few days, there is nothing special that has been done at all.

Every day of the last few weeks has been spent doing the same dang thing... it's been wake up, get of Facebook, piddle around, walk the dog, feed the dog, pet the dog, eat something, think about dinner, get stuff out for dinner, and then make dinner. There have been very few variances, I went to the FHC library one day, I went to the real library one day, I sat around and watched movies one day, but nothing else.

I have been puttin in applications everywhere, it seems like someone would have called me back by now. I know that as soon as I get a job and become unavailable everyone is going to start calling me. Until then I just get to sit here waiting for that day. It's hard not having a job, I enjoy spending more time with my doggy, but dogs sleep for 16 hrs a day, he's a bum I bet he sleeps for 20! I guess I am proud that I haven't killed the cat, everyone knows I have had issues with her, well Robert more so than I have recently, but if my husband has a problem, I have a problem. So the cat... is enemy number 1! If I could just get her to stop whining in the morning and waking me up, or walking on us at all hours of the night. She's sharp as a tack. SERIOUSLY! She knows that Robert feeds her, she knows that he feeds her at a certain time in his morning, so when that time comes, even if it is a Saturday or Sunday she will come in and he will have to get up and feed her. SHE SUCKS! Then I feel bad because Robert will have trouble sleeping after that.

She's evil....

I haven't been proud of much recently, I'm proud of my husband, there have many days recently where he has been working overtime, A) cause we need the extra money and B) because his normal helper is out sick for the next 6 months and possibly longer :(

I guess it's better to say, that I have been proud of things, I just haven't been proud of myself, I'm in a funk and nothing seems good right now. I'm thinking it's a minor depression because I am always tired, and all I do is munch when I am awake. I know what you're thinking, and no I am not pregnant, and even if I was, it would be a few months before those things would hit me.

Wait, I am proud, I am proud of my sister, she is going through so much more than I am, and she's pregnant, and she is still positive, I am proud of her because a lesser person would be in a deep depression and she is making the best of everything. I know that they will come out on top and I can't wait for little Mary Noel or the boy name she told me about from her husband's side of the family... whatever that is... I just can't wait for another kid in the family. I'm proud of my other sister, she was down and out for awhile, and now she has a good job, she's in school, and she has a great guy. Her life is looking really up. I am so proud of her for overcoming all of her obstacles and still being herself. My sisters make me happy all the time just thinking about them. Then there's my mom, I'm proud of her most of all, she doesn't whine when she doesn't hear from her daughters for a month, she is all trusting and all knowing. It seems that she knows just when to call, and when she does call she knows just what to say to help us. I am proud of my mom for being the strongest person I will ever know. My sisters and I have done some pretty messed up stuff in our day... yet she is still there and she still loves us. I know she will never read this but I love her most of all....

I miss my family.

Day 8: Short term goals for this month and why

2011-02-09T12:11:00.000-08:00

Goals... I don't really make those, I hope to just make it out alive and in love. If I had to make some up, they would border on:

1. Find a SUPER cool present for my hubsters, his birthday is on the 15th, I know that's only 6 days to find one... ugh... I am so lost on this topic, I don't even know where to start with the man that gets whatever he wants. Any suggestions!?!

2.Use my valentine's day gift even if it kills me, story time, Robert told me he got me a present already, and I didn't believe him, well he toldme it was hidden at the house, so calling his bluff, I told him I found it, I was smart I waited 2 days before I told him. Apparently he believed me and now he just left it out in the open for me to find. I feel ABSOLUTELY terrible, because he knows I like surprises and I feel like I let him down... SOOO now I have to use it NO MATTER WHAT!

3. Lose some weight using my valentine's day gift, which is Zumba FItness for the Kinect, Again HONEY I'M SORRY FOR BLUFFING YOU! Apparently I am a better liar than I thought! ARGH! (this just increases the pressure for an amazing gift for his birthday! :( )

4.Find Florence Obedience, I know this might not make sense to some, but I have been doing a lot of genealogy work and on my mom's side we have lines that go back to the 1100's on my dad's side, it stops at my great grandparents on my papa's side, and it goes for a bit on my grandma's but I need to find Florence Obedience, I already found my greatgrandfather I am just delving into wether the one I Found is the right one, I have to say though that the evidence is pointing to me being correct.

5.FIND A JOB! I kinda like being out of work, sorta... I don't like not having stuff to do, and this blog really only supplements like 20 minutes of my time so I have another 16 hours to fill, normally I do well tailing Robert and fishing for how his day was and that's my evening, so there takes off about 6 hours.. so for 10 hours I have to entertain myself, NOT COOL! I don't do well with that, I am not as interesting as some of you think, in fact, one day I spent 6 of those hours on facebook... again NOT COOL! I don't know how I did it, I was probably facebook stalking YOU! That makes you obviously more interesting than I am .

6.Complete this challenge, I just hope that I don't lose interest in it, some of the questions are kinda cool, other's not so much, but hey they work and they get you thinking. So.... Is 6 enough, I could think of some really short term goals.

7. Shower
8.Cook dinner at some point
9.Visit with Tina (maybe if she's not busy already)
10. Make invitations for Tina's baby shower.... Argh... gotta go get paper!

Do the last 4 count? Oh well...

Day 7: a picture of someone or something that has the biggest impact on you...

2011-02-08T07:01:00.000-08:00

I think you guys are getting the hint that I don't have just one... there is always more than just one with everything I do. So, this is the easiest solution..

Then this brings to mind a poem, I read A LOT in high school... this was a regular, I printed it and would use it as a bookmark and when I got tired of reading I would read this then go back to reading...

Lying, thinking

Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

This poem is called Alone, by Maya Angelou, I discovered her in 6th grade and she was a regular addition to my reading since then. I love her work and some make my cry and some make me laugh and some make me change my life around.

I liked how they put faith first on the plaque, that is my life, when I finally put the Lord first, and let him lead instead of trying to be one step ahead, there was a release of burden. Instead of wanting change now and wanting everything now, I learned that everything comes with time. I was in a REALLY bad place in my life when I came to South Carolina, nobody may have known it but I was so depressed... life wasn't fun or even worth it anymore... I just coasted day to day not caring if I would make it to the next. Then I came here, and I met some friends of my sisters, and once I finally listened to what they were saying, really listened... it changed my life. I became genuinely happy, and I enjoy waking up every day now, life just seems better.

Day 6... ON DAY 6 is this a good thing ;)

2011-02-07T20:43:00.000-08:00

Day 6: My favorite superhero and why.

Jeeze... I don't think I actually have one, does Peter Petrelli count? If you have to google him then I guess not, if you don't then you're probably a Syler fan. Either way, not sure he counts...

This is going to be my shortest blog ever... Peter Petrelli... cause he's kinda cute, even though his weird talk out of the side of his mouth thing he does freaks me out...

The Blog formerly knows as: Day 4: I'm on top of the game! (Also day 5)

2011-02-07T09:11:00.000-08:00

Obviously this is day 6 and I haven't even posted day 4 or 5... do I sense a trend coming?!?

Don't worry this whole working ahead of schedule won't last... or I could just do all 30 days and save them as drafts then on the right days just publish them... that's a thought... Hmm... something to consider!

Day 4: A habit I wish I didn't have.

Oh gosh! I could do a top 10 habits I wish I didn't have...
...straightening up the shelves when I go through the grocery store...
...popping my toes just cause I can...
...picking my nose anytime I feel like any air is getting blocked...
...skipping songs in the car even when I like it, just to hear what's next...
... wiggling my toes cause I don't like to sit still...
...checking the door or checking that my husband did it, can't stand the thought that it's unlocked...
...having buyers remorse after buying ANYTHING, although I don't know if that counts as a habit...
...checking twice to make sure the phone call was ended...
... eating just cause it's there and it sounds good...
...cleaning my nails anytime I'm nervous...
...staring off into space cause I like the way it feels on my eyeballs...

then again these are some of the few things that get me through my day, so maybe I shouldn't stop doing them, it makes my day go faster! Seriously I do wish I could stop wiggling my toes, but it's like the energy gets built up and if I don't move somewhere the energy is going to burst out of me, weird thing is if I sit still too long I start to get a little nauseaus, or if I focus on something too hard it makes me nauseaus... you should have seen me trying to thread needles, especially if it was the end of a particularly bad day, I would have to get someone else to thread it because I couldn't physically do it without wanting to throw up... gosh I'm weird...

Oh well, day 4 done! Let's see if day 5 is on time!

Day 5: A picture of somewhere you've been to (is this correct grammatics? It's how the website worded it...)

The temple has been weighing heavily on my mind recently, not sure why but I feel as though I am being pulled to go. It's been almost a year. I know, I never thought I would be one of those people that only went for my own sessions and never went back. My old bishop even told me this happens to people. I can't complain cause it's not that far away, I just know that I need to go back. When I went through for my sessions it was such a blur, I don't remember much. I think we may try and go at some point in one of the next few weekends. Maybe that will be what we do for Robert's free day off... sounds good to me! Just gotta get everything set up, and people that can go, and want to go, let me know, I will totally include you guys in our trip, the more the merrier! I <3 the temple!

I was going to put a picture of Texas, that's also been weighing on my mind a lot, I just know I need to get my priorities straighter... put the Lord's needs before my own... I think I want to make a plaque that says that. Oh well... maybe I can find something to post for day 6, it's a hard day for me...

Already a fail... days 2 and 3

2011-02-04T19:23:00.000-08:00

HA HA HA! This is so the story of my life, I already failed the 30 day challenge! HA! Ok, so I am gonna cheat a little and combine days 2 and 3 together... I think it will still work and it will get me caught up!

Day 2: The meaning behind my blog name...

So, ugh the meaning behind my name... do I really have enough time to get through it and would you really understand if I did?!?

I usually chalk up my thoughts to random ramblings and everyone used to tell me I lost my mind, or as my mom would put it, you have to ahve one in the first place! But this blog is actually a random analysis of my brain... I was raised with an ADD dad and two ADD sisters although we were never really diagnosed, we could sit at the table for hours, literally HOURS, we were in 4th-8th grades and we would sit with my dad and for HOURS into the night he and we could ramble for every about everything, it could cover politics, to 4 storke engines, to the progression of cars, to the progressive movements over seas... and everything could be tied back to something so whether we started with the civil war and ended on how swimming pool chemicals really worked we could tell you exactly how everything fit together, and I still have that thought process, you say one thing and I have already analyzed it and turned it into a file to be set in my brain, it's where I take the thought that scares most people. The phrase I love hearing from Robert is, "Where did that come from?" My response is do you really want to know, and if I get a no then I leave it alone if I get a yes I actually drop into each thought and explain to him exactly how my thought process works and his usual response is, "Wow, baby, you think way too much!" I just nod and shake my head... perfect example of this is from awhile back... and well... I'm not sure how many people wanna know the whole story but I don't want to offend anyone because it is of a sexual aspect, sorta. But it stemmed to me saying that I knew how John Wayne really died... Yeah... my brain is broken sometimes! :D But that's where my name comes from, it is my crazy ramblings from a girl who is well on her way to losing her mind!

Day 3: A pic of your friends...

So seriously this is just how OCD I am... it is in alphabetical order... and for those of you who may look at the picture after Cameron and see me... no I didn't put it in the wrong order, I am looking up towards God... wait I should have put it in a different spot, I was thinking Christ... oh well... you get the hint. Also, $ I didn't put your picture in the wrong spot, I had you saved as Truman... that's why it's after Tina... :D just so you know.

Also these are the people that popped in my head when I realized I didn't have any pics of all my friends and there are so many more I can't even name. These are just the people I have talked to in the past 2-3 days. So deal with it! :P Anyways, here it goes, and kudos if you can name everyone, I doubt anyone can!

Some of these people I pine to see more... like literally my body aches with desire to see you more... my sisters and my friends back home... it feel like forever since I have gotten to see you or hold you or just laugh with you... my friends here that I don't see enough... well there's nothing I can say to that other than, we need to get together more. I <3 my friends, seriously though.

Dang 2 hours and I have to do day 4... I guess I better get started on that too! HA!

2011-02-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

This is the first day of the thirty day challenge...

I read it on a friend's blog and she challenged all of us to do it, so I figured I would give it a go. I do have to say that this is going to be kinda awkward to do since I usually forget to blog, but it should be productive since I don't have anything better to do...

This picture has a kinda funny story behind it, well funny to me, this was the last in a procession of pictures that I sent to my sister when she was bored in class... not gonna say what the previous 3 pictures were HAHA! That's what makes it funny... So the other half of this is 15 interesting things... I'm not gonna lie, I don't know if I can come up with 15.

1. I took 4 pictures before I decided to just go with one I already had.
2. I am in love with indie films and generally watch thema billion times!
3. I think I am a little OCD, hence the fact that I had to go through and first put all the numbers, followed by periods and then one space...
4. I don't like being alone, and when I am alone I have to have noise otherwise my imagination will kill me and I will start hearing noises and seeing shadows, and just generally freak myself out enough that I have to pack up the animals and leave until someone gets home... there is sometimes some sporadic crying mixed in there also!
5. I get motion sick really fast and really bad, thus the reason I have never been on an airplane, big boat, train, roller coaster, or any other really fast thing that jerks around.
6. I love my husband, like seriously really love him, he lights up my world and I get giddy every time he comes home and I like to make him happy so I cook for him all the time and try and take care of him... and I feel like I sound like a sick puppy, HAH!
7. I feel a lot of guilt, like all the time, if it's not one thing it's another, like for not talking to people as much as I should, then for not finishing stuff I start, and then for not knowing stuff I should.... it really gets to me sometimes....
8. I stare at myself a lot, really really stare, like I could just stare myself down for hours, my dad used to get onto me for just staring at my self, called it narcissism but it's not like I stare at myself and think, "OOH, I'm so hot!" I just stare, with a blank mind, blank eyes, not really looking at myself just STARING!
9. I feel like I don't have many friends, I feel like the friends I do have are good ones, but I don't have many at all. It is so weird because I don't have trouble making friends, I just think I don't try at all.
10. I have a weird fear of disappointing people, like a big fear of it, I think that's where most of my guilt comes from, it's weird though because I don't think people have that big of an expectation from me... it's my own standards... maybe I am worried I disappoint myself.
11. I think so much sometimes that it keeps me up, it's a random ellipse of thoughts that keeps me from doing anything, my thoughts are usually pointless but they just keep coming and don't ever want to stop. The thought turn into sounds and the sounds keep me up for HOURS, I think it worries Robert sometimes.
12. I think the last interesting fact makes me sound a little crazy, like maybe that is the kinda comment that changes people's percetion of me.
13. I have a weird fear of people, all kinds of people, it's mostly my own predisposition towards people, but it's weird, it's mostly dirty people or people with certain styles, I am nervous around hobo's... and I am nervous around gangster people... and I am nervous when it's only me and one other person in a place... I am nervous when people stare... I am nervous when people corner me...
14. I have an obsession with old movies and I kinda wish I were born in the fifties or forties... I kinda wish I could just live in the simpler times like when life was easier and calmer.
15. I think dead things are creepy, perfect example, Robert had a fish die and it was the day after we bought it, so we were taking it back to the pet store and on the way, he decided to take the baggie that contained the fish and put it in my lap... of course I screamed and threw it where ever I could. He just laughed... My sisters used to chase me with dead bugs and cockroaches... it just freaks me out.

It took me almost an hour and a half to write this... hope you find it interesting!

S

For sariah

2011-01-25T06:06:00.000-08:00

My reality...

2011-01-24T14:41:00.000-08:00

So I haven't made it well known, and I am sure that most of you guys are going to say, WOW she blogged twice in 2 days. I really kinda want to make this a regular thing, even though I have said it before. Anyways, back to the beginning is, so I haven't made it well known, and it's still not "finalized" but I am pretty sure that I don't have a job at the Navy Exchange anymore. life has been crazy hard and I can't really go into details as to why I don't, but I still haven't gotten a call back. It's been a week and 2 days since I was put on a "suspension" and I haven't heard anything. I am really sad because I devoted A LOT of blood sweat and tears into that place and they made cast me away. It's so hard. I loved my job, as much as I complained, I loved coming in and seeing the people and talking about their kids, and their pasts. I'm not just talking about the employees. I had some real connection at that store, some of the customers would come over to my counter and cry to me, and tell me what was going on with their kids. Some would come over just to tell me how work was over night. Some just came to see me smile and listen to whatever they had to say. I am extremely customer oriented and i know this, maybe my main problem is becoming too involved with the customers, they are the hardest to not get to see anymore. I made some real friends and I made some real connections. I don't want to lose them.

I have a good prospect for a new job and I hope I get the call soon, I don't like sitting all day at home by myself, kinda makes me wallow in self pity. Then again, once I am depressed I don't really want to see anyone but my husband. I feel like life is going to really turn around at this point. This is going to be one of those pivotal moments that I will reflect on for years to come. I could have dedicated a career to the NEX but I guess not now. I don't know what I will do in a few days/weeks if they call me and ask me to come back. I don't know if I will say yes, part of me wants to just go back to my routine and part of me (my ego) wants to just run and hide. There is a certain level of embarassment that comes with the stories that I am sure are getting told behind my back. I just hope that the truth will be able to come out eventually. Oh, well, life will move on. I have been putting out applications and I have been putting that they can contact my last employer, which this morning I thought about and I realized it might not be a good idea, just in case they were going to offer me my job back, but oh well. Maybe this is all for the best. There are a few different jobs that I really hope I get, one is at the Charleston Water Company, that job is like 2 miles away and it's a Monday through Friday, 9-5 and That would be NICE!!! I know I will always work with people, also I want to have a schedule that will let me go back to school. I don't know what i want to go to school for but I know that I want to work with people.

As far as school, I know that I kinda want to go into like a psychology branch, as good as I am at fixing other people's problems I don't really like to face my own. I sound like someone I know, and I just realized that too... UGH...

One thing I know I need to fix is my prayer habit. I was in a decent... ok mediocre... habit of praying quite a bit, but recently, I think other than dinner time prayers, I have prayed only once since last saturday. The reasoning I think makes sense to me, is that maybe I am just waiting until I know what I want to pray for... do I want to pray to get my old job back... do I want to pray that I get a little break and get to stay home for awhile... do I pray that I get the job at one of the many places I have applied to... maybe I should just pray that the Lord push me in the right direction and he be with me while I run that way. Then again I start to wonder how do I know when I am listening to the Lord's directions and not just doing what I want and calling it so. That is where prayer is a funny thing... my pride cycle is interrupting my prayer cycle... then again, I have had so much on my mind. Like I have been worried, I was supposed to start a different cycle last Wednesday, and now I don't have a job... wouldn't that just be great, we were living comfortably on Robert and I's pay and now we are down to just Robert's. That will pay the bills and let us eat with a PINCH of money left over. So now if I do happen to be pregnant it's gonna feel like a sick joke the lord is playing... then again, if I am, I do so much heavy stuff and exertion at work maybe the pregnancy wouldn't have lasted if I worked there... and if that's true then why wouldn't he just twist my ankle so I couldn't do so much for awhile until I realized it... why would he put me under the stress of finding a new job. Oh well, like I said it's been a week and 2 days and I haven't heard anything... maybe something will change and maybe it won't...

Life is funny that way.

My pride found me at church today....

2011-01-23T12:17:00.000-08:00

Today, Relief society, UGH.... pride and realizations are an ugly thing.

I complain instead of fixing things.

Robert will tell you, it takes A LOT to get to me, and when something does I obsess. Well, things have gotten to me for the last two weeks.

I realized that I found ME at church.

When I first started coming to the church after we were married, no one really talked to me, I think it was because I was just another of the many Provost's at the church. I was fine with that, anyone that knows me knows I don't like alot of attention. Over the course of the next few months, it was like EVERY sunday I made it to church, people were introducing themselves to me, even when I know for a fact that I knew these people.... they introduced themselves to me weeks before. I was hurt, but I knew that I wasn't really making an effort to get my name and face out there. I am sure that if you ask people even now, they will not be able to pick me out of a line-up. Again, I am fine with this, I don't like people making a big fuss over me.

I was invited to a couple's house through a mutual friend and hung out, I felt like I was so different because (i assumed) they were so straight laced, I kind didn't even want to give them a chance. I have hung out with them a few times, but I have never really made an effort to get to know them. So I went to church one day, a few weeks ago, and I decided that I would no longer be just a loner with only 4 real friends in this ward. I made an attempt to start reaching out and being with people. I had a few different couples over for dinner a few times, and we had a blast every time. I have randomly talked to the couples and I feel like I made some good connections. That is cool and all, BUT even when I have my cake, I want to eat it too, there is a couple that I feel like won't even give us a chance to get to know us. I have made a few attempts to get to know them, even had them over for dinner but now I feel like they don't want to really even talk to us. I wave and smiled at church, got no response, texted a few times, got no response, even stalked them a little on facebook, STILL no response. I don't know why I can't accept not being accepted or given a chance. Then it hit me... she is ME! I realized that the wife of the other couple I was previously talking about has reached out to me, and I have shut her down. Like I said I haven't even made an effort to get to know her or her husband. Today is the day, I swallow my pride and try...

I will try to get over my pride...

I will try to find similarities...

I will try to be more Christ like...

I will try to make more friends.

Long time no see...

2010-12-29T11:36:00.000-08:00

It really has been a long time since I have seen this blog, I want to keep up with it more often but I know that I probably won't have the time or memory.

I want to more than anything just find a way to keep my memories so that I won't lose them as I get older. Update today: I have the flu, I feel like I am dying. Seriously though, I hope I am not though I would be very sad to lose my husband.

I can say that these last few months I have had some baby fever and I am kinda looking forward to getting pregnant. I do have to say that my last cycle that I am going through has been a little rough but I think it will get more regular as they come. I did take a fertility test and it came back normal so I shouldn't hjave trouble and hopefully within these next few months i will be with child. I think that would be amazing.

Christmas was fun, and so was Thanksgiving. For Thanksgiving we spent the day at Robert's parents house. The food was SOOOO good. The only thing that sucked was that the night before Robert and I worked for 18 hours at the NEX getting it ready for Black Friday. Christmas was fun, Robert and I shared our presents before the actual Christmas day and so when we woke up it was a time for just us. Robert played his video games as I watched. Then I napped and we went to Jeff and Felicia's for dinner. The food was AMAZING!! I seem to have an affinity for good food. lol

Other than that, work is still work and life is still life. I thought Marriage would be harder than this, it is just like living with my best friend. Conversation and life isn't hard, we just go day to day and live in bliss.

Whispered Dreams....

2010-05-03T22:31:00.000-07:00

So I am having trouble accessing sleep tonight. I don't know why. I don't think it's because of stress... I don't feel stressed. I don't think it's because of too much sleep... I haven't been sleeping much as it is. I don't think it's because of too much excitement... life is pretty mundane right now. I think it is my dreams... I don't want to have my dreams and I don't want to be stuck with the memory of them.

If anyone knows me they know that I have a terrible memory. Seriously though, it is a HORRIBLE memory. I can't remember diddly.... but these dreams are vivid.

For about two weeks, I have had these dreams they are all recurring in different locations but they all end the same. A baby... don't know who's baby, sometimes it's mine sometimes it's someone else's. Just a baby, there are pieces of broken barrettes sitting somewhere nearby or they just pop up out of no where, and as I turn away for one second, these babies, all of them. Put the pieces of metal in their mouth, and as they start to choke I look over and I make them open their mouth. I remember the first dream I didn't know what to do but after about the ninth one I new that I needed to open their mouth, do a finger swab, then I needed to flip them onto their stomach and do quick and solid pats on their back. I never stay asleep long enough to know if I save them. Life and dreams are funny that way. I finally got tired of having these dreams so Saturday, I told Robert about them. He thought they were weird, tell me about it.

Saturday night, my dreams finally changed. I was walking up to my counter at the NEX and all the lights were off, it was like there was a power outage or something and there was just a spotlight on me, I was pregnant. I knew it was a boy. Something in me told me it was a boy. I could reach down and actually feel my belly. I could feel the baby in there. I woke up in a cold sweat and I couldn't breathe. I told Robert on Sunday about this one... Sunday night my dreams changed.

Sunday night... I had a dream, I was married, Robert was sick. There was 4 pond fairies that would come to me when I blew this whistle and they would take the sick into the water with them and the next time I would see them they were completely healed. I called for the fairies and they took Robert, the next thing I remember I was walking into a hospital room and I looked at Robert and he was amputated from the waist down. All he had was about a foot length of crutch to call his bottom half. I knew instantly it was because he was in the frigid waters and it was my fault. He had a positive attitude about it and I couldn't help but think about the negative. I woke up praying that I wouldn't go back to sleep. Luckily I didn't dream again last night. So here I sit, Monday morning 1:30 in the morning. Not wanting to go to sleep, but knowing that I need to.

I don't want these dreams, I don't like waking up afraid. I don't like waking up stressed, with my heart racing, sweating, and scared that I might dream about it again. I think I might try sleep and if that doesn't work, so help me, I am gonna take sleeping pills tomorrow to force me into REM sleep so I don't dream.

Pray for lucid dreams

Most hated moment!

2010-04-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

So seriously, I have been in a mood where I don't want to be micro-managed at work or on facebook. I have become increasingly agitated with the people at work that after I finish a job they just have to look at it. The firs thing that pops into my head is... I KNOW I AM YOUNG, I KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE AS MUCH EXPERIENCE AS I SHOULD, BUT SERIOUSLY I HAVE BEEN DOING EMBROIDERY ALOT LONGER THAN YOU AND IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU THINK I SCREWED IT UP, THE CUSTOMER LOVED IT SO SHOVE IT!

I know that sounds rough, but seriously, I have also been in an agitated state with facebook, don't get me wrong I love that dang thing. I love the games and stuff and I love chatting with people (side note: I can't forget to check my dying MySpace page cause I am waiting for an e-mail... hmmm...) But I have been deleting people ON PURPOSE. Then people come back on and add mea s a friend again, I am like really I haven't talked to you in MONTHS and you think that I want you reading about what is going on with me. Of course I can't be mean and just deny them, so I add them and they message me saying something along the lines of, FB must have messed up and deleted me. I am like really, does that just happen? I feel compelled to warn you that if you are having to re-add people MULTIPLE times, they are deleting you for a reason. It is ridiculous to expect me to keep you on my friends list in the hopes that one day you will partake in some witty banter with someone else through my status updates.

Is this a sign of maturity? Am I "above" facebook? I think not... I think I am right where I should be and I think some people shouldn't be on my profile. That is just me being Frank in a Stephanie kinda world.

THE story....

2010-04-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

So it all started on March 31, 2010... lol but seriously, so last night we are in the car right around midnight talking about how funny it would be to do an April Fool's joke with an empty box. So Today, April 1, 2010, Robert comes to pick me up from work and he comes in and visits with me for a few minutes. When we finally leave I go out to his car and I see a Zale's box on the dashboard of his car, I wouldn't even touch the box. Seriously. I told him that I wouldn't even touch it, cause I didn't want to look like and idiot. I just knew the box was empty and that I was gonna get stuck looking like the Fool! So he snatched it off the dash and put it in his pocket and told me fine I couldn't have it.

As i sat there looking like an idiot, and just staring at him, I was like, no cause when I open that box there is gonna be a paper ring or a 25 cent ring or something... I kept telling him no it wasn't actually in the box. So then I got curious and demanded the ring box from him. He was like NO! You didn't have faith in me. I tried to give you the ring and you said no. So you have to wait. I was like ARGH! Just let me have the box! He kept saying no! So we get to the house and we chill out for a bit and we leave for church, he was like are you ready for this!

So we get to church and we are listening to Bro Walker, he puts the ring box on the table and I just lean over and whisper to him that there better be a ring in that box. So he snatched the box back off the table and wouldn't let me have it. At the end of institute Bro Walker asks who wants to pray and Robert is like I'll do it, I had an OH GOD moment... then the prayer came and went. Nothing. lol, Then I felt him start to get on one knee out of his chair, I tried to pin him there, as he hit the floor, I just got embarrassed and looked away. I refused to look at him, he kept saying things like look at me, why won't you look at me? I kept freaking out and refusing to look. I turned more and more red as I knew that people were staring and as he made a bigger and bigger scene. Then he took the box and started making the box talk to me. He was like "why won't you look at me" "Why won't you tell me yes" "Why are you so red!?!" I started freaking out even more, then he said he was gonna throw a hissy fit. He starts to shriek and cry about WHY WON'T YOU SAY YES! WHY WON'T YOU LOOK AT ME!?! I SAID I LOVED YOU AND YOU WON'T EVEN TELL ME YES.

Well I finally looked at him and said yes and he said, about time, it took long enough... the end! JK it came even more when we went into the FHC and the first thing he said to his parents was, IT TOOK HER FOREVER TO SAY YES! BAHAHAHA! Ok, But seriously, it really is legit now.

I will keep everyone posted for the dates and everything!!

Stephanie

Teeny weeny bikini!

2010-03-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

So as the summer is rapidly approaching, I actually broke down and bought some diet pills. I know I always swore I wouldn't, but I just know that I need to trim up a little. I have been eating better and I know that they won't fix everything, but I am hoping that they help a little. I just want to lose about 20 pounds. One of my fears that i have is that when I start losing weight, it will be all in my boobs, seriously I like my boobs, I don't want to see them go. I know that in the long run as weight is lost on my waist it will also come out of my chest and I am fine with that.

So today I took my first two doses of Hydroxycut. I did alot of research on it and I made sure that I crossed my p's and q's. (:D Bonus points to anyone that can correct that and tell me the meaning and origin!) But I did notice that I was less hungry when I took them and I made sure and drank plenty of water, as a matter of fact, I must use the facilities as it is! lol

I am just hoping that before bathing suit season actually starts I will be a little trimmer, if I could just lose weight out of my face I would be TOTALLY happy. I really want to just lose that and a little on my back and tummy. I have been working out but I think that since my work schedule has become sorta regular I can start waking up at a decent hour and working out before work, I think that will help too. Oh well... wish me luck!!

Steph!

Where does my happiness fit in?

2010-02-19T04:16:00.000-08:00

So, as I have been under alot of stress and been running my poor little brain a mile a minute, I have come to one conclusion. I really think of other people way too much. Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to say that I am some Mother Theresa and I never think about myself cause I do. I think about myself alot and I do what I want alot. But it seems on the important things where I should really think about myself, it's just not happening.

I was at work two or so days ago and I was bored (as usual) and I decided to help myself make a decision about what I should do for a wedding by making a pro and con list, super smart I know :D lol. Well, I start it off on the temple, I say, eternal marriage, Robert's family will be happy, cheaper, won't have to wait a year. Then I con it up by putting, friends and family won't be there. I turn the page over and pop civil on the top and start with, my family will be happy, mom can help me get ready, keep with traditions, friends can be there. I drop on the con side, not all of Robert's family may come (not sure if we have the civil marriage, if Steph and all the kids will want to come to Texas should we have it there), way more expensive (and I am relatively cheap), and have to wait a year to go through the temple train. :D

Then as I was finishing up the list and decided that it didn't make things any easier it just put all the crap running through my mind on a piece of paper, I started to wonder, I am seriously putting that all these people's happiness before my own, it was crazy, I actually asked myself out loud and everything. Where does my happiness fit in? Then I crumbled up the list and chunked it, didn't want to look at the written stress.

Robert and Jilli and I were in the car the other night and ended up talking about this and I told both of them the whole story, and I am pretty sure it was Robert that brought up something that I didn't know, if we get sealed first, then any children we have are born into the covenant and I wouldn't have to be sealed to them later. That would alleviate some of the fears I am having, I see that my sister is having trouble getting pregnant, and I am pretty sure that my mom had trouble at first, and I know that I have had two miscarriages. So I can't help but think if I get sealed first any kids that I may lose, I will know that they will be on the other side waiting for me.

Robert asked me if I was going to make him make a decision or if I was going to actually pick something. I told him I had to be the one to do it. So the race is on... the decision has to be made... and I think I am going to ask for a blessing and talk to president to help me make a decision or atleast figure out a simple medium. Ugh, life is getting harder.

Stephie

Snow... snow.... snow....

2010-02-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

So I realized the best time to ever surprise me, do it when I am experiencing something I have never experienced before. It snowed tonight and it is still snowing. It is insane how much it is snowing outside. I can't wait until the morning so I can see what the snow really looks like. I had a blast having a snowball fight with everyone, it was so much fun just rolling around in the snow and playing. Neil (I think) got me a good one in the face and i had snow shot straight up my nose. That was a horrible feeling but I Loved every minute of it.

Seriously if Robert had gotten on his knees and just proposed right then and there, I would have said yes a million times. Although I know that he said that wasn't gonna happen. lol Turns out he really was serious about wanting the ring before he proposes. It's ok though. I am about to curl up with Robert and some hot chocolate and maybe a slice of pizza and watch some Zombieland.... not sure how the movies is going to go over but I am down for trying this movie. :D So to complete my perfection of an evening, I sign off with and I love you Robert and hope this movie doesn't suck...

S

Holiday...

2010-02-03T06:05:00.000-08:00

So I have been going through alot of crap recently, life just seems like it's not going to get easier. Tolerance and appreciation is running thin. I am having trouble seeing through the fog a little and I have to make some decisions soon that are going to affect my whole life. These are decisions that are way bigger than I am. Life is just not going as smooth as I would hope. I do have a few things that are going well though, like MB and I haven't really fought in awhile. That is a BIG plus for us, and work is kinda straightening itself out. Faye put in her two weeks then pulled it like 2 days later so I know that means Marci isn't going to be getting rid of me any time soon just cause she knows that Faye might just do it again.

I heard this song this morning and I knew that the words were ringing true for me, and I know that this is going to be my theme song for the next few months cause I don't see them getting any easier. I just have my priorities set at, question, answer, conversation, decision, and follow through. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just use a flow chart of life to make all of our decisions. Where we had the time to write pros and cons and do comparisons and figure out and micro manage our own lives. Wouldn't it be easier if we knew the future.... if only...

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

Holiday
Far away.
To stay
On a Holiday
Far away.

Don't bother to pack your bags
Or your map.
We won't need them where we're goin'.
We're goin' where the wind is blowin'
Not knowin' where we're gonna stay.

We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse
We will write a postcard to our
Friends and family in free verse. (On the road with Kerouac)
We will write a postcard to our (Sheltered in his Bivouac)
Friends and family in free verse. (On this road we'll never die.)

Let's go away for a while.
You and I to a strange and distant land.
Where they speak no word of truth.
But we don't understand, anyway.

My eyes aren't clear....

2010-01-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

So this morning I woke up with tears in my eyes, I hate when I do this cause I know that my eyes will be unclear for most of the morning. I had an odd dream but I can't help but wonder how much this is true or how much my dream is a sign of my reality.

I don't remember all of it, but it seems that I keep going back to Texas, I keep going back to Harlan's, I keep seeing the same old people, but the store is set up different. I am not sure that makes any sense, I know that it is probably just a sign that things have changed since I left. Well as we are leaving Harlan's we end up going to a little house on a prairie and there is a big train tracks there. My sisters and I decide to get on and ride the train around the tracks and as I come back around I have to pee so I jump off the train and run back inside. There were two guys there, Charles and someone else. Charles goes out to tell them to stop the trains so I can come out and get back on but they decided to keep going. As I come out I think to myself ok, I will just wait until they get closer to go out. They get closer, I go out, I wait... they get closer... they approach me... they keep going while staring at me. I cry. I can't help but wonder how much of a metaphor that is for life. I wonder how much I am going to miss with my sisters. I know that I already miss alot. I know that I am not like them anymore. I know that I have made my decisions and now I have to live with them. Yet, I also know that I wouldn't go back to save my life. I like where I am. I am just so frustrated that I feel like I am caught between my family and my church.

Well I woke up at this point and went back to sleep....

At this point I am still a little distraught cause of my original dream and I am crying already and we are walking around a town, there is a LDS church in this town and it is a little run down. I don't recognize it though. As a group of people (including me) are walking across the street I sit on the curb and just start crying, a group of three girls walk by and just laugh and keep walking. I decide to break away from the group and I walk into the church, as I am walking through the church I can't help but think to myself how much I just want to go home. I try and make it look like I haven't been crying and i keep walking through the church. I finally program the address of where I am going into my gps and i set off but I am a single white female walking through a progressively bad neighborhood. There are three young kids, maybe 12 - 15 and they stop and they think that they are going to mug me. I beat two of them up and the other two just leave. I run back to the church and as I am walking through cause I know that it's not safe on the streets. I go into Br Walkers institute class and I sit down at a desk with no one around me. The three girls walk in. It's three girls that I know from the ward but I am not going to put their names cause I know that they would not appreciate that. But they walk in and just sneer at me which makes me cry some more.

Well my eyes have finally cleared up, I just wish my mind could.

S

I had one of those moments...

2010-01-24T23:00:00.000-08:00

NEEDLES and YARN! My life seems to be in a knitting cycle, I think about the days and I think knit 2 purl 1.... knit 2 purl 1.... k2tog.... pull slip stitich... PSSO... life seems to have been broken down to primary colors and the power of two metal rods as they twine the yarn together.

I can break it down even further.... let's start with a basic knit one row... purl one row... no need to involve ribbing. Life is funny that way. It seems as though when I start the knit, when I start anything new I get caught up in the past and I forget which stitch I am on. Then I start to think back about when I started other things and how I felt and how I dreamt and I can't help but remember the pain and torment that it truly caused. It is rough to think that if I had made one different decision at any part in my life I may not be here right now. I wouldn't change a thing... I am in love with a wonderful man and I wouldn't change that for the world. I feel like I talk about Robert so much and I am left to dwell on a statement that I made the other day.

"Baby, I thought about it, and i can't wait until I can fall asleep in your arms and not have to think about getting up in a few hours to leave."

I could sleep in his arms forever, literally, and I know that it's not just in his arms. I love to just lay in his bed and sleep... I love to let myself just collapse and curl up within comfort and just know that he is there. Just knowing that there is someone out there that I am completely comfortable with... someone that I feel like I have known for years. I know that this is destiny... in every inch of my being I know this.

I don't like to gush over him and I don't like to talk about him all the time. I don't want people to think that I am obsessed with him. I just know.... and i like that i just know....

The LAME-inites....

2010-01-21T05:56:00.000-08:00

So I was at work yesterday and per a previous conversation with my friend Ann (<3 she's cool) she asked a question regarding the garments we wear. She was really awesome about trying to be discreet about it cause she knew that people would have a hard time understanding exactly what or why, but the more "shady" she was being the more the people wanted to know what she was talking about. I really have no shame about my religion, I know that people won't always agree with it. But, just like I told Ann today on fb that tolerance is a part of free agency, the reason why I didn't get upset about the following story is because people have the choice to be as tolerant or as intolerant as possible, and who am I to judge about how they handle stuff. Anyways... I really didn't get too upset about this only because i know that they just didn't understand what I was saying, although I am sure that I didn't explain it very well either.

So after Ann asked her question, we got on the topics of temples and stuff. Penny started asking what was the difference between mormons and baptists. I told her that we still worship God, and we still view Jesus as the son of God and the savior of man, but that there was more to the story. I went through the story of Jesus coming to the americas and how he taught the people here. Of course as soon as I said the word Laminites instead of Native Americans, Penny took it as a racial slur against her heritage. I tried explaining that to her to and she was pretty well shut down by then. So I continued on with my story and how Moroni appeared to Joseph Smith and how the Book of Mormon (BoM) was found. I think she was pretty well turned off to the idea of it though.

I wish there was some way that I could have better explained this, although it does make me feel better about the missionaries, and it really does shine light on what they do every day. They go out and knock doors every day and get shot down all the time, but the still go out and still knock doors and still try to share their message. It really is inspiring to know that they are blessed and set apart from God to be able to go forth with this calling. I know that not everyone will agree with what I believe, I don't agree with what some people believe either, I just know that I am not fit to judge. I just feel that as long as people approach my views with an open mind and not try and change what I believe I am fine with them. It's when the people start to shun me or judge me or make assumptions about things that I have problems with it. Oh well.... I'm just one day closer to paradise!

Steph

My age limit is 7...

2010-01-18T15:22:00.000-08:00

So work today was funny and interesting and I knew that I had to share it with everyone, some of you will get kicks out of this mor many many different reason, just let me set the situation up for you.

I didn't shower this morning (yuck I know) cause I was running late, and I am wearing yesterday's make-up that I refreshed this morning. I am standing behind the counter and I am helping two older black gentlemen and when I say older I am referencing like 50-55 years old. Well one guy, we will call him Bill cause I don't know his name, looked at the tat that I have on my chest, and looked to Sydney, the other guy, and was like do you see the butterfly? Sydney said, yeah I see it, then asked me if I had a bee after my butterfly. I just giggled and said that I am dating someone, then he told me that I needed to date him, and he told me he was going to leave me with his number. As he is writing the number he is asking random things about me not too personal and he said that i needed to date both he and Robert. I was trying to be nice and didn't want to hurt the gentleman's feelings so I just told him that I was very much so into the guy I was with and that I was with a strict church and couldn't have a bee after my butterfly until I was married. He then asked me what church I was a part of and I told him I was a mormon and I am going to quote him... "Isn't that the church where you can have 4 or 5 husbands?" I was like no we ended that in the 1800's and he said I thought it was going on yesterday. I told him that there were some radical sects out there that still practice it but they don't follow the docterine of the BoM so they aren't affiliated with the LDS church. He told me that I needed to look into that church instead of the one I am in. (Very much so an anti-christ quality) Then he started asking me some of the things I am into, and i told him like puzzles, and knitting, and hanging out, watching movies, cooking... etc. He told me that he would marry me in a heart beat and I was still being stand-offish but he kept going. So I put his number in my pocket and helped the customers that had come up.

I thought they had left the store when I threw his number away but unbeknownst to me they were still shopping. Sydney decided to get a movie and just had to come back through my line. Then he said that he had come up with a perfect idea, that he and I and Bill and Wendie should go out to lunch or dinner. I told him that I didn't know I would have to think about it and I told him that if Wendie agreed I would go. I know that Wendie will never agree to go so I am not that worried about it. Anyways, I dipped into the trashcan after Sydney turned around and got his number out and his friend caught me. I started laughing cause Wendie started laughing and I turned beet red cause I had been caught. Well they bought some flowers and left. I was still so embarrassed. UGH!

So I called Jilli and told her what happened she and i Just laughed about it, then I called Robert <3 and he was like, (jokingly) fine I see how it is. You are going for an older man. I said well you know that I like older men, look at you. He said I know, I am your limit. I said, so 7 years is my limit, why didn't you tell me that before I would have told him no flat out that he was way to old for me. lol....

UGH! Gotta love old pervie men, yay.....

S

The reason for the season is pride and ego... RIGHT?!?!?

2009-12-23T08:47:00.000-08:00

So I have been beating myself up alot recently, I have just been in a funk and I can't seem to grasp the Christmas spirit. I can't stop thinking gosh why can't I just lower my pride adn ego and accept it. It's frustrating to know that my pride is this huge. We just talked about this in institute the other day and yet I am still hung up on it. The closer it gets to Christmas the more I can't push it away. I almost cried in the movies last night. During the opening credits. It wasn't even anything major going on, it was just the opening thing. I just can't stop thinking about my pride and it kills me inside to know that I am this ignorant. Argh... Merry Christmas Everyone!

My solution....

2009-11-29T11:18:00.000-08:00

So I was so proud of myself. I was at work yesterday and I was tormented by the ideas in my previous post. I know that church really means alot to me, and I want someone that can be spiritual with me. I want someone that will lead me spiritually also, as to when (if ever) I start to fall away he will bring me back. So as I was sitting there thinking, I came up with an amazing solution...

I won't say a thing about him leaving the singles ward, since I go there every sunday I will keep going I will just start going to the first ward. I know you're not really supposed to do that, but I figure hey, God will forgive me. Atleast I am still going. I would probably just transfer my records to Crowfield if Robert left and I didn't go to First Ward. Anyways, the end of the solution. So Robert goes to first ward, and me too, but my deal is, he has to go to Sacrament every Sunday that I am there. He likes to sleep in and not go to sacrament, but I am making it mandatory, I will not say a thing if he just is on time to sacrament. I think this is a fair and workable compromise.

Anyways, I am having trouble with work. I really want to find a 9-5 where I can just work Monday through Friday and not have to worry about what days I am going to have off. When I was hanging with the missionaries I was all about having some weekdays off so I could chill with them. But now that I have distanced myself, I know that I really just want the weekends off. Especially if I am going to stop going to the SW that way I can still have the weekends to socialize with everyone. I can't wait!! I am actually going to start looking today. :D Well I hope that everyone is having a wonderful Sunday and I can't wait to update you again!!

S

It's a deep kinda night...

2009-11-28T00:15:00.000-08:00

So I am kinda stumped, Robert sprung it on me that he is going to stop going to the singles ward in about two months. I hope that I would have enough influence with him that he would keep going out of respect for me. It is just odd that he wouldn't be involved in something that is a big part of me. I know that it is his decision ultimately, but I would still hope that I could keep him going with me. If he transfers his records back to the West Ashley ward, I wouldn't be able to transfer my records where he is. So I would either have to stay in the SW or transfer my records back to Crowfield and just go to West Ashley. I know that he has a valid argument, we spend alot of time together, and what is just 3 hours. But I think that my argument is relevant also. I want him to be there for my spiritual needs as well as my emotional. I need him to be there. I know that I can just talk to him about it, but he is so hard headed that I don't think that my opinion will have a big enough effect.

There are still parts of me that think that he is shielding himself, not letting himself open up completely and I know that is holding him back from giving himself completely to me. I don't know if he has a fear of me not loving him, or me loving him too much and he doesn't feel worthy of love. This is also the reason that I don't like psycho-analyzing my friends and my love. I know that I can say it but I don't know if he believes me when I say it. I do love him, there is something about him that just captivates me. I can't see my life without him right now. I am still just tripping about him not doing church with me, I even told him that I would cut my hours with him to keep him in church with me. It's not that I think he is going to fall away from there church if I am not there to keep him involved, I just think he is going to make himself more of a recluse again. I don't want him to pull away socially. I think it is a good thing that he is out there. I know that he knows that people are still going to be around because of me, but I know that he is going to feel like he doesn't fit in.

I hope that age isn't his driving factor for leaving the ward. I know that 30 isn't that old, I know that he is going to be 31 in 2 months, but I want him to know that he isn't 30. He is an amazing soul and that he is an amazing person. He is so cool and people love him for that. Although, the people that are in the ward right now (some of them, not all) are not nearly as mature as their years count. It is sad that the people that are in there mid to late 20's are acting like they are 16. It is pathetic and ridiculous. I just have an old soul and I want the classic life, I want to be happy, I want to be comfortable, I want to be just as in love with my husband at 20 years as I was at 2 months, I want to be able to be honest, and ugly, and sick, and funny.... everything that is me around people and not get judged for it. I think that some people just hang out with me because they like to make their judgements internally. They like to be witness to the next saga of the Stephanie show... This is the Stephanie show logging off for tonight.

Perfecto Mundo...

2009-10-26T23:03:00.000-07:00

So tonight was a perfect night, cold, damp, dank, dreary, clammy... all of those make the perfect night. I know that you may be asking yourself what I could possibly be thinking, but it's 2 in the morning and I have trouble making cognitive thought after a good nights rest much less when I am a little sleep deprived. But I consider it a perfect night cause after I left Robert's the air was so thick and low that the lights almost reflected off of everything making it wonderful and bright. It was an extremely bright night. I loved it.

I rediscovered my Alicia Keys cd. It really is amazing how much emotion goes into a simple thing such as music. I can say that when I put it in and i heard the first few chords of the first song, the prelude to the entire disc, I really was taken back to a time probably 5 years ago. I could feel the comfort of that main street house and everything that was going on in the world. This was before I felt broken, this was before i joined the church, this was before I was tainted with the truth of the world...

I am a firm believe in the ignorance behind the statement, ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is not always bliss. Being shielded and jaded to the real world, makes you naive to every thing around you. It really does stunt your emotional and psychological growth. I am not gonna get into details but I grew up more in 5 years than in the 17 before it. The joy I feel now is true joy, I have gotten past that part of my life and I am moving on to bigger and better things. Life really is going pretty ok right now, I am with my family who is amazing in every aspect of the word. I know that they still have some time here, but I know that when they go I am going to be so sad. I remember the first time MB left, I seriously felt like my world was crushed. I can never say it enough and i know that I should say it more but she means the world to me and I am grateful every day that I am with her. I have a boyfriend that is wonderful to me, he lights up my life! I have a job that I don't like but it gets the bills paid and makes the time drift faster. I have a church and a church family that I would trade for the world.

I really should write Truman and Wallace, I feel TERRIBLE everyday cause I remember at the most inopportune times that I really need to write them. I can't ever tell them how much they mean to me either. I know that a call would probably make their day... It's ok, I hope that God blesses them with a little more sugar everytime I pray cause I know that I thank God for the missionaries every time I pray.

This night was dreadfully perfect.

Ciao,

Steph

just read my last post.

2009-10-21T05:28:00.000-07:00

So I just read my last post, and it is hard to believe that in that last message I talked more about my present than I thought. I know it has been forever since I updated this thing, and I really feel bad that I haven't kept up with my "journaling" but it will all work out. So the funny thing is, since that last message I have started dating Robert Provost. He is absolutely amazing. His was one of the numbers I got that night and we started dating exactly one month after that temple trip. Anyways...

I have also made some friendships that I don't want to ever see go. Like I never knew that there were so many people that I could relate to, although I am still having issues opening up to some of the people. I kinda worry that I may be stuck in an endless circle of never opening up until forced to. Then there are still those times where I know that I should cause my experiences will help someone else and I will put my two cents in but I don't think that I will ever open up like I have with Amanda and Dana.

Updates: Amanda's dad died. I can't even imagine what she is going through. I am not going into detail but I know that she will be ok. I really feel bad cause I haven't been there for her as much as I hope I would. I just can't stand to see her upset. She is one of the people that I would give my all. She is mine... I don't ever want to see anything happen to her but I can't keep her sheltered forever. Her family seems to be dealing with this ok, and I know that they are all strong people.

Sariah, had her twins, they are the most adorable babies that I have ever seen. She actually had them right about the time Robert and I started dating so I haven't been to see them much, but I have been over a couple of times and they are the best babies ever. Shannon and Tim are adopting a baby, I feel kinda bad that I haven't been around them much either. I think this week I am going to try and drag Robert over there with me, maybe a little RB and some dinner. Sounds like a plan that just might work. Well maybe not this week now that I think about the schedule.... oh well.

So I have been reading the ensign again, after slacking off for a little bit, and I can't believe how relevant some of the stories are. I am stuck re-reading the conference 2008 edition and I love it. Every story has parables and life lessons that make so much sense. I am starting to feel more confident in my life. I know that I usually have the big questions of what am I really doing here and what is my life really worth, but I just keep my patriarchal blessing in mind and I see how much of it is coming true. I never knew it until now, I am a natural born leader. :D That makes me happier than you know. Anyways, this has turned out to be way longer than I really wanted it to. So remember... live laugh love and forgive you enemies, physically and emotionally.

Stephanie

P.S. I thought of one more: I want someone that will not let me go through life as a shadow.

When the spirit touches me....

2009-06-14T18:12:00.001-07:00

Today was an amazing Sunday, it was the first sunday in a month that I have been able to go to church.

A little background, I have been having a little trouble with a friend, not gonna get into too much detail cause I don't know the details myself. I am just sitting back and waiting for things to calm down and for life to go back to normal...

So church was just speaking to me today, in relief society we went over Forgiveness...

Matthew 18:17-35

¹⁷And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

¹⁸Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

²⁰For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

²¹Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

²²Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

²³Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.

²⁴And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.

²⁵But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.

²⁶The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

²⁷Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt.

²⁸But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest.

²⁹And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.

³⁰And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt.

³¹So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done.

³²Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:

³³Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?

³⁴And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him.

³⁵So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

To forgive no matter how big or small the trespass is, is pertinent to redemption. It seems that I am having a little trouble forgiving myself for a few of my past transgressions. Well lots of my past transgressions... there are things in my past that I feel I will never be able to forgive myself for. Forgiveness is all inclusive, upon forgiving others we must also forgive ourselves for the repentance process to begin. By not forgiving we are pretty well trying to say that we are working with satan. Who are we to not forgive when God forgives everything?

Forgiveness is on two parts, we must first forgive the action, then we must also forgive the actor. It seems that when we generally forgive we really only forgive the person but we still hold spite and malice towards the action, thus not actually forgiving anyone at all...

I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repents, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance. Luke 15:7

I know this is incomplete, and I can't believe I didn't finish it. ARGH! but I hope you enjoy the first part!!

Lo Tujo es Mio, lo mio es tujo....

2009-05-23T07:07:00.000-07:00

So yesterday we went on the temple trip, it was alot of fun. I actually started talking to people and I had just this amazing experience there. I loved it, we went to do baptisms for the dead and it was so much fun. I kinda hope two people would be there, one had a reason not to be there, and the other well he and I don't talk.

I ended up getting like 4 new numbers yesterday, which is awesome. Now I actually have a connection to these people. I texted for a little bit last night. Maybe i'm finally fitting in somewhere. I loved the fact that Bishop told me that every time I go to the temple it is to learn. I didn't kno how I was going to learn this time, but I think God took over and kinda taught me as opposed to making me figure it out. I was the second one to go and Fred came up to me and started asking me ho I was feeling, I told him and he asked me why the baptismal font was below ground level, and explained a little about the symbolism that is going on there. It was really cool. He gave me the rest of the time to ponder about the font, and then at the end, he pretty well taught me how to look it up myself. I answered his question correctly, and then he asked me a few more questions about the font and I actually started understanding the makings of the font. It was really awesome! We went out to Rush's afterwards, and it wasn't the best burgers ever but they were pretty decent. I had alot of fun talking with Jeanine, Louisa, Debby, and Ashley. Keri was a big help too, she was so awesome and pretty well kept me under her wing. I think I am gonna go thank her for all of her help yesterday!

So Neil and Mary leave today for Texas, they are gonna be gone for 2 weeks, and I am just a little nervous as to what I am gonna do for two whole weeks. Oh well. I will manage, and if anything I can always go to Shannon's or Sariah's (UGH I STILL NEED TO CALL HER!) Dangit!

Should I mention he's rich....

2009-05-21T20:08:00.000-07:00

So I was kinda bored, I went through a time today when I was thinking about what I wanted.

1. I want someone that will play with my hair.

2. I want someone that will let me put my head in his lap during a movie.

3. I want someone that lets me kiss his hands.

4. I want someone that will play with my toes.

5. I want someone that does small kisses on my neck.

6. I want someone that has laugh lines.

7. I want someone that furrows his brow.

8. I want someone that loves to make me smile.

9. I want someone that watches me walk away.

10. I want someone that tells me when I look fat.

11. I want someone that scratches my back.

12. I want someone that loves to look into my eyes.

13. I want someone that likes to rest his hand on my butt.

14. I want someone that watches whatever I want on t.v.

15. I want someone that texts me just to say hi.

16. I want someone that listens to me ramble.

17. I want someone that actually rambles right back.

18. I want someone that leaves me notes.

19. I want someone that loves songs.

20. I want someone that loves animals.

21. I want someone that loves the church.

22. I want someone that will keep me strong.

23. I want someone that will stay strong, no matter what.

24. I want someone that likes that I don't like storms.

25. I want someone that will just listen to me breathe.

26. I want someone that dances.

27. I want someone that window shops.

28. I want someone that just lets me lay my head in his lap during the times I want to.

I could go on forever with these things....

So I kinda....

2009-05-19T16:26:00.000-07:00

So I kinda wanna try and get better at this whole blog thing. I have been in kinda a bad mood recently. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I swear every time God gives me lemons, I end up adding too much sugar and screwing up the lemonade. I had some trouble at work the past month. They put me in the Mini-mart and I couldn't catch a break. There in one person there that is pretty well the matriarch and she kept making snide comments. Of course she led everyone else there so if she had a problem with me everyone did. It finally got to the point that my last day there, no one talked to me. It's whatever though.

I have been hanging out with Shannon, she is really cool, I haven't been hanging with Sariah so much, which I regret every single day. I have just been so busy. MB and family leave this Saturday for a trip to Texas. I want to see my other sister so bad. I miss her like crazy. I have been back at the main store for two days now, I found out that one of my only friends there, his last day, is the 28th. I am pretty bummed about that. Other than that work is pretty boring. There have also been a couple of big things going on with my friends, I just don't want to get into it.

I am talking to Nick right now, I can't seem to find a date with someone I actually want to go out with. I have been going to the singles ward, but it seems that everyone there is pretty cliquey, I don't seem to fit in. There a couple of guys there that I wouldn't mind dating.

I have been hanging out with Christian quite a bit. Yes, I admit, I have actually been hanging out and talking to someone that lives in the same state as me. I talked to Hurst for a bit the other day, he is calmed down quite a bit. I have been talking to D off and on for awhile, he is doing really well. Talk to Nick all the time obviously. Oh, nick is coming down in August to hang out. I can't wait. It is only like 3 more months away. I know that sounds like forever but it will be here before I know it. Talked to Heaps and Wallace for just a min the other day, I miss those two like freakin crazy! I actually got to hang out with Wallace, Earl, Zookell, and Bjarnson (BJ) on monday. They were pretty cool. I hope to hang with them some more. I am just glad that they are getting along. Heaps goes home in like 2 weeks. CRAZY! I KNOW!

I have been making a real attempt at doing things with people, I just have my own reasons for not doing things. I just worry that I am keeping myself from meeting people. Well not me exactly. Anyways, another one of those subjects I am not gonna touch.

I have been listening to music alot lately. I can't seem to get some songs out of my head, they stick with me. I love music. I don't care how bad my day has been I just seem to chill out and calm down with music.

As I sit here and type, I can't help but remember what someone said, that I do too much, and I don't know how to say no. I think that I am just a loving and caring person that does stuff for people but I think that I have enough control to say no. Maybe, it's just a way that I feel accepted, maybe it is just me being weird. Maybe i just like to feel needed, that is why people unload their problems on me. I know that I am a good listener, and that I give good advice. Maybe it's just me....

Steph

:) You're eye....

2009-03-12T22:44:00.001-07:00

It's not the way you smile at me,

It's not the was you say my name,

It's just something in your eyes that reminds me of a day...

reminds me of a day when we first met,

reminds me of a day that we first kissed,

reminds me of a day when I fell.

reminds me o the day when I first missed...

your smile your kiss, my wish your lips.

Tomorrows a day that will never come,

and today is ending too soon.

I can't wait to be in your room.

in your thought and in your dreams,

sad dreams and happy ones too,

reminds me of the day I first saw you.

reminds me of a daw when we first met,

reminds me of the day that we first kissed,

reminds me of the day when I fell,

reminds me of the day when I first missed...

your smile you kiss, my wish your lips.

This time it's my smile. My simple little grin,

I'm forgetting everything I knew before,

I'm forgetting that you walked out my door,

I'm forgetting how sweet you smell,

I'm forgetting you smile so sly,

but there's still something in your eye...

reminds me of a day when we first met,

reminds me of the day that we first kissed,

reminds me of the day when I fell,

reminds me of the day when I first missed...

your smile your kiss, my wish your lips.

As much as I forget, your eyes still remind me....

From top to bottom....

2009-03-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

It's kinda amazing, just how fast you can go from the top to the bottom, not missing hitting a peg in between. I always seem to go from friends, to feelings, to best friend. I can't ever seem to fit in between there. What is it about me that makes me such a good friend, and not even coming close to relationship material? I am slightly aggravated that I have let myself fall into this again. Not that I haven't been here before but just that I am stuck here now. I will always be here. Once the feelings are here I know that I am stuck. It seems that I can't ever get past this. I like to be the one that people can turn to but does it have to hurt this much when I realize that I can't turn to someone. I know that I have the friends that I will love forever, and I could call any one of them and if I really needed them to they would fly out here in a heart beat, or they would let me come over and stay with them. I just can't stand the fact that I can't find someone more than just a friend. Maybe I just come on too strong. Maybe I am too forward. Maybe I am too blunt. Maybe I am too honest. Maybe I am too open. Maybe it's everything about me.... it's just me top to bottom.

I talked to Shawn.....

Zone conference!

2009-03-10T21:31:00.001-07:00

So I was asked the other day to give my testimony at Zone conference, little did I know I was going to be the only one to show up. It was kinda crazy, when we walked in the chapel, MB, Jorden, and I... there were quite a few handshakes and waves from everyone that knew us. Apparently they had changed the plans since no one showed up, well when I got there, they set it back up for just me. I was terrified. Everyone told me that I did great, and I am sure I did. I was just terrified. It was fun though, I felt special when Heapsey told me that I was a quote in his preach my gospel book... and apparently President McConkie was impressed enough that he was talking about it for awhile, and he was also quoting me through out the conference. I felt special when I heard that. I made sure and told Truman how special he was to me, and how much he and Konesky meant to me. I will never forget them EVER!! I can still remember the fear I felt. Maybe I will go ahead and do my testimony again in three weeks and try and shake a little more out. I can't wait. It was kinda invigorating!

Have you ever....

2009-03-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

just had one of those conversations where you told someone something you never thought you would, and as you wait for a reaction you don't get one. I can't help but wonder if I said the wrong thing. I don't know what kind of response I was looking for but something is better than what I got. Anyways...

I can't wait for May, I just want to keep my self calmed down. A friend will be coming with me to Texas, and I think I am going to visit with them in California after. I can't wait to see him. Yeah, it is so freakin awesome that he is going to come meet my family and hang out with me! YEAH!!!

Side note, I just listened to an awesome song.... Ok, here's the truth by Javier. It was not at all what I was expecting and it is insane.... everyone should listen to it. Listen to the whole thing. Ok... off for now!

Just in a bad mood!

2009-03-03T19:52:00.001-08:00

So I seem to have fallen into a funk. I am becoming obsessed with love and the concept of it. This is the loneliest i have felt in four years and i just have to have strength and faith that God will bring me out of this. I kinda worry/wonder if it isn't me just trying to force something with someone. I am still trying the concept of walking in faith and walking in his image. I have been trying so hard, and it seems that every time I get a little ahead I get right back behind. I think it is that time of the month where I just break down and cry but I don't want to. I have nothing to cry about, life is going rather well and everything that has been going on has pretty well been brought on by me. At the same time I don't want to feel like I don't deserve better, but I still have to wonder if I deserve anything at all. It all started with a text from an ex... and it blossomed from there. He actually asked if I saw us getting back together. He said he would change all the bad stuff and change his ways. I just have to remember what it said... what it meant... and how I felt when I got it. In my heart I want him back so bad but I think it is more so just to fill the lonely. I just need faith, I need help, I need to be more faithful and I need to try harder to be more righteous. I have been doing well... three days and counting....

So I talked to him last night for like 2 hours, of course an hour of it was MB upstairs terrorizing me.... but it's cool it was fun.... I felt like we were young again. I know that 22 isn't old but it sure isn't young. I just want to feel alive and whole.... Sorry to vent about my mood. I can't seem to get happy tonight.... I might just take myself up on the offer of the cry....

Not tomorrow!

2009-02-20T17:39:00.001-08:00

Thursday February 23rd, 2009... a day to remember. Yup guys that's when I get my blessing!! :D Yeah!!

It's just me...

2009-02-18T17:17:00.000-08:00

SOOOO... kinda a lot has been going on, I have been having trouble with a friend of mine, and it seems that I am at a point where I don't know what to do. It's not that I have trouble with her, just that she has had trouble and I don't like not being there to protect her. We will change names, Julie has been getting threatening e-mails from Ben's mom, well we speculate that it was Ben's mom. It seems that I can't do anything for her, I feel like I am at a loss.

Oh, also I got my patriarchal blessing recommend, I need to call for it. I already asked one friend to go with me and she said yes. I am sure that you didn't even have to ask who I asked, yes it was Sariah. Also I want T-$ to go, it would mean a lot to me if he could. IDK though. He lives so far away, I would have to go get him and his companion and I would have to bring them with us, his companion would have to just sit there and wait for me to get done with $. I know that Sariah will be there....

Also it seems that I am having feelings of incompetence. I don't know what to do sometimes. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to feel. I think I am going to start going to the singles ward... I would have to leave the house by 8 and I wouldn't be home until like 4:30, but I think it would be worth it. I kept saying I was going to wait until stake conference but I think I am just going to go for it. waiting doesn't help, it just makes you put off the inevitable. Plus I don't need to use her as a crutch....

Bid, adieu!

Not so good...

2009-01-30T21:49:00.001-08:00

So I am feeling like doody, it was nice. I crawled into bed with MB right before they went to sleep. She rubbed my back for a few minutes. It was really nice. So I have body aches, and I just generally feel like crap. I had a fever earlier and I am pretty hungry.

I haven't been having the best thoughts. I haven't been doing so well with my reading. I am beginning to wonder if I really should go back to Texas. The things... the things... I want to talk to Sariah... I will tomorrow.

There really isn't anything new going on. Still looking for a job. Same ol same going on. I am a little worried about the transfers going on tonight. I am also a little worried about us getting a douche bag in. I just don't want to lose a friend. I am pretty sure that they will stay the same. What if they don't? Will that make the next one even harder? Am I getting too attached? I really don't think I am. I just have made friends, and it seems that as soon as I get to trusting them.... they go away. Oh well.

Much better than last time!

2009-01-22T17:39:00.000-08:00

So I went in for another Bishop's meeting, it went way better this time. There were a few things that I just generally needed to talk to him about and there were a few things that he had planned to talk to me about. The mission thing was the same, still there still trying to figure things out. The nursery calling still there, but now that I have embraced it as a wonderful thing and not a burden it seems to be helping a lot. The temple, I think that as long as I keep working at the pace that I am going with, I will have my temple recommend before I know it. Even if I do have to wait until I am 25 to get it. I am just passing the time and doing my best. There is some temple work that I want to do in April, and I am trying to do what I can to prepare for that. I am excited for that too. The biggest thing: I am getting my patriarchal blessing recommend. I get to get it next month! I am so extremely excited about it, also guess what I wanted to get it with another friend and go with them but they had theirs already. Well I know that it is a little bad to say but things worked out to where they couldn't get it. Now I am going to have mine soon and I think that I am going to get to go with them. I am UBER-excited about that!! Woot!

I am here in Missouri, everything is going well. I got to meet everyone... it was fun. I am just way WAY tired. I want to text some people but I don't want to seem pushy on them so I am laying off for a bit... can't wait to be home...

Awesome sleep!

2009-01-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

So I have had a little trouble sleeping recently, I don't know what the cause of it is, but I do have to say that I got freakin sweet sleep last night, and I felt amazing when I woke up. Also, I like someone, genuinely like him. I don't want to get into details of who(m?) <~~~ NOT SURE IF THE M SHOULD BE THERE. Anyways, he is way awesome, and I love talking to him. I just don't know how he feels about me and I don't know if he ever would feel that way. Although I have it in good mind that he does reciprocate some sort of feelings.

Church was pretty good today, the kids were decent, although there were only 4 kids in class with three teachers. I thought about asking if I could go to relief society but I didn't just cause I didn't know how well that would go over. Also it seems the bishopric knows that I have been thinking about going to the singles ward. I don't really care that they know, I was just curious as to how. It's not a big deal though. Tee Hee, I also got blown off/dissed by an eleven year old. It was rather funny, it is Robin's daughter. You'll know why when your read below, but she talked to Jorden and when I asked her how she was doing, she just looked away. Silly kids :D!

OOH... I quit my job yesterday. I felt bad until MB helped me figure out what I was going to do and helped me talk to some people. Although I did wimp out and Sariah <~~~ LOVE HER took my keys inside for me, so I wouldn't have to see Robin. We went to go to the movies last night, and it seemed that it wasn't written in the stars. We went to one place in Summerville and they were sold out, then we went to a place in North Charleston and they weren't even showing the movie. So we ended up going to Denny's and just chatting and eating. There were these UBER rude women there, they had their phones out on the table and they were playing music, it was pretty ridiculous. Also Sariah, called the cops on this stupid driver. She was all over the road, and she was superdy duperdy reckless. Also hen Jenn was turning onto Crowfield, there was this retarded black guy, dressed in dark clothing that ran out into the road and flashed a sign for a moving sale. It was insane, Jenn almost hit him and then when she honked, he flipped her off. It was pretty crazy. Oh well, I am pretty sure that we are going to try the movie thing again on Tuesday.

TTFN
S

My favorite People!

2009-01-13T11:11:00.000-08:00

Just a thought...

2009-01-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

So I am laying here just thinking, thinking about how the world is as it is. Life isn't terrible but there are a lot of things I could do to improve my situation. I love who I have become. Who knew that just a thing as simple as going back to church and finding my true faith that I would feel better about myself. Now I am thinking about what I can do to find someone. I am not used to being alone, and I am not used to not having friends all around me. I don't care how long I live out here, I don't think I ever will be. I am not a social butterfly but my life seems to make more sense when I am helping other people. I love taking care of people. I know that in the hustle and bustle I tend to forget to take care of myself. That sucks sometimes, but I am going crazy. The point of this one is to vent about my lack of a love life. I have a few people that i am interested in but there is nothing reciprocated. I know that there is nothing. There is one guy that I don't necessarily want to be with (I wouldn't mind it) but I want someone like him. I hear him talk about his ex-'s and I am just amazed that there are really guys out there that are that kind and loving. I am seriously raising my standards every time I talk to him. It seems that I have seen the lower side of the people and now I want to see the higher. I am tired of having to force relationships to work, and just settling. I want to find someone that shares my beliefs, feelings, goals (although I don't know what my aspirations really are), and just as basic as liking my flavor of toothpaste. I know that we will have our differences, and I know that it will kill me to give up some stuff but hey, he will feel the same about some of his stuff. I just want to find someone that I can love forever. I have my friends, and I wouldn't change them for the world. They are the greatest people in the world, and I love every single one of them. I just want to find someone to be there through it all! Also I want to extend a super special thanks to a certain someone for being there and always knowing just what to say. Thank you for just being there no matter what, and just listening.... you are amazing and I truly love you with all my heart.

Later Days,

New Years was kinda...

2009-01-01T18:38:00.001-08:00

So new years was kinda a drag, we went to the Charleston in the park at Marion Square, it was pretty fun I guess, there were some really awesome parts where we laughed like there was no tomorrow. MB and I have been doing alright, she and I have been arguing again. I just don't know what to do or say to her. I am stuck.... I love it here and I am so glad that she lets me stay here.

So on a side note I am going to be looking for a new job soon, the one that I have right now is CRAP! I get paid minimum wage and my hours have been cut like crazy. I just want to get out of there. Everyone is looking for another job from what I assume, the store just sucks...

After the marion square thing, I made Nick go out to another friends apartment for milk shakes, it was pretty awesome and I love going over there. I feel almost normal when I am there. There are also a few more friends that I love to go visit. I feel like I am back home when I hang with them. So after the milk shakes we ended up sitting on the couch and just playing on the computer and talking until Midnight, then we played guitar hero....

No kiss on new years!

Had fun today!

2008-12-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

So today I had a lot of fun, I hung out with the boys and I ended up snapping like a million pics! I posted just a few. I guess I should make an introduction blog, and tell you who is who.... hmm.... I think I just may do that!

So it's been about a week...

2008-12-28T19:54:00.000-08:00

Hmm... a whole week. There is some crazy stuff that has happened. Christmas.. Christmas was huge. Let's see, Neil, Mary, Jorden, Stephanie, Heaps, Wallace (who by the way is an EXCELLENT addition to the Crowfield family), Hurst, Kailipone, Johnson, Bennat, Truman, Neerings. It was pretty well insane! There were a BOOTY load of people here! Woot, but Christmas was awesome.... Jorden was so excited when he saw everything under the tree! It was absolutely fun. Sariah stopped by for a bit, and she was so much fun to hang out with. I loved it!!!

So Truman, is still coming around and he is still here. Well sorta, he is going to be getting his new apartment soon. I am gonna miss him so much when he is gone. I missed Kinsky terribly and I was so happy when he first texted me. I love talking to him. But I know that it is going to be different with Truman cause he isn't going home and I wont be about to just talk to him any time. It is going to be awful him not being here. I feel like I am losing another good friend... they were my first two friends when I got here.

So I am praying like crazy, I hope to get the thing that I am not supposed to know about... and I hope that it is the right thing and I hope that it works out. I would love it. Well I am signing out for now.

My besties...

2008-12-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

An ode to my best friends....

Sariah: what is there to say about Sariah but that she is awesome and amazing and beautiful, and loving, and caring, and helpful, and uber-funny, and fascinating, and incredible, and wonderful, and admirable, and fabulous, and pleasant, and super, and I love her....

Truman: Truman is awesome, he is so cool, and he listens (even if he runs his mouth sometimes), he is so caring, and he is just a little blind to the world. He sometimes comes off as naive but that is way wrong. I am so glad I met him...

Nick: Kinsky...hmm... Nicholas Konesky.... he is way awesome too. He is a really good friend of mine. I love texting with him. He was one of the missionaries that converted me. He is so amazing, and smart. I can talk to him about anything that isn't girl parts related.... although he doesn't seem to be bothered by the occasional joke about periods or girly stuff.... I just like to pick on him....

Heaps: Heapsy.... he is the bomb diggety.... that is all.... BOMB!!! He is in my top three favorite peoples in the world ... well in Goose Creek South Carolina. Although I do have to say that when he goes home, he will probably be my number one person in Utah!!

Wallace: Wallace he's the newest person in my circle, he is way awesome! He is down for anything, and he has an amazing sense of humor. He is the baby here, he has been out for I think 7 or 8 months. Hopefully he will be here for a long time...

Wow I have some amazing friends....

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Some changes....

2008-12-20T21:23:00.001-08:00

So I am pretty sad... there are some major changes that are about to be going on.... let's see:

Truman is going to Walterborough, he is going to be co-senior companion.

Heaps is staying here, we are getting Wallace.... Johnson says he is way funny, and he is pretty cool.

Spanish is staying the same... that's good I Guess....

Jacobson is going to Conway, he is going to be a trainer, I am sure he is excited about it...

Kofford is staying here, he is going to be senior zone leader... he has changed alot. We are getting... danggit I can't remember what that guys name is, I couldn't remember it after the missionaries said it a hundred times. His name is Brakken, although I think I have the spelling wrong.

Good new is, Johnsons is coming to Summerville, that is going to be way awesome. I finally get to meet him. The only bad thing is that he is going to be with Bennat again, I hear that is a terrible set up... we will have to see. Johnson is going to be a district leader. YAY!! Anyways, Heaps said that he will be with Bennat probably only one transfer. Hopefully he will get someone way cool after him... Oh well... let's see what else is going to be changing.

Almost forgot.... it really isn't a change, Hurst and Kailipone are staying... that is way AWESOME!! I love Hurst and I can't wait to hang out with him again!!

So I am thinking about going to the singles ward... at least once... just to see what it is like. I think it will be alright. I just don't like the concept of going to church to find a husband. I know that is where you will find the good ones, especially now that I am older and it really is a choice to go.... IDK things should be different.... Well... TTFN!

Kinda disappointed...

2008-12-16T20:48:00.000-08:00

So I talked to the bishop tonight, and I was kinda disappointed....

1) Patriarchal Blessing: I have to wait til my six month point. I wanted to get it with Sariah but that doesn't seem to be happening. I really wanted to get it to have it answer some questions for me. I wanted to know about what I should do, and what decisions I should make. I am really disappointed about this one.

2) Nursery: Now I was kinda confused about this one. The bishop talked to me about being spiritually mature and ready for a blessing but I don't know if he was right. He kinda contradicted himself, he told me how I was not ready for a blessing because I was not spiritually ready. Yet I am ready enough to teach young formidable minds. I don't think that I am.

3) Temple: He said that it is not written in stone but that it is recommended that women wait until they are 25 in order to go to the temple, unless I am going to be getting married. I want to do my ordinances. I just know that I have an extremely strong testimony and I know that I want to be apart of everything. I just don't know how long it will take.

4) Mission: I was told everything that I already knew and I knew what all was going on. But he did say that if I wanted to fast track my way into the temple I could definitely do that by going on a mission. That is one of the questions that I wanted answered. I don't want to set into a mission and figure out that a mission isn't what I am supposed to do. I know that blessing won't tell me my future but it will lead me down the righteous path as long as I am faithful and obedient.

So I really didn't get any of the answers I was looking for. Oh well... Three more months, I am down. I am going to do my best and be as faithful as possible and I will be true!

Til then!

So today....

2008-12-15T14:52:00.001-08:00

Today was a lot of fun. We went out with the missionaries and I helped them pick out gifts for their respective other halves. It was pretty awesome. Not gonna put what they got cause eh.. you never know. I don't want one of them getting upset on the random chance that their girl might come see it. Even though their girls would have like a one in a million chance of actually finding this page.

So anyways, nothing new is really going on in my life right now. I am pretty bored. MB got back from Texas Saturday night. There was a church performance on Sunday and it was awesome. She did so well.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. LDS for short, and I currently work in the nursery and I am on activities committee. I had quite the past so now I am trying to just work my way into the future and forget about some of the things I used to do. Time has just been slipping by and I don't know what I am going to do. I want to serve a mission but that is so expensive. I want to go to school, but again way expensive. I want to find someone who loves me for me. So I have a couple of people in mind, but I do have to say that my own problems are keeping me back. I guess I don't feel like I am good enough to get one of these guys. One, is an ex- he loves me and he would be with me forever, he just does stuff that I don't agree with and I don't think that we would be active in the church. One is a missionary, he and I just click. He is so awesome to talk to and he is really cute. I think we would make a great match, but he is in love with someone else. This in where my feelings of unworthiness start to crawl to the surface. He is such a great guy.... I used to be such a bad girl. The third, he is so awesome. He has the greatest sense of humor and he is kinda cute but he is such a loving person. He and I would do well, but I think that we would be separate entities in a relationship. I really just want someone to love right now. I want someone to love me. I want to find someone that is willing to take care of me and love me and treat me the way I am supposed to be treated.

I wish I was more active in my tithe paying, and I wish I was more open with some of the people at the church. I just don't know how to act around them. I am new to the church and I don't know about the rules and limits. I am not like some of the people there, well I am not like most of the people there. They all seem to have it together and they all seem to know exactly what they want out of life. I am just kind of floating along. So this one is long enough, I was kinda worried that I wouldn't have enough to talk about.... hmm.... looks like I did!

A little Welcome Note

2008-12-12T05:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my page:

Name: Stephanie

Age: 22

Sex: No thank you <~~~ tee hee!

Sex: Female

Location: South Carolina

I moved here in August to live with my sister, her husband, and my nephew. I have made alot of life changes since I have started living here. I joined the church, that has been going well, I absolutely love it. I am just looking to talk to people that are interesting and can hold a decent conversation.

My nephew is four, he is the love of my life. I would do anything for him. The only thing is he makes me want kids... it's cool though. They will come in time. I gotta find a husband first.

Well this is me signing off for now....

Adios! Stephanie